How to Be a Loving but Separate Self…Otherwise you will drift between faking agreement and hiding anger.
MysteryShrink Short: Love and Boundaries
FOOD, Pineapple Upside Down Cake
The couple had just finished the last meal of their magical Hawaiian honeymoon. The gazed into each other’s eyes. The fragrance of blossoms and flitters of candlelight on the low white table made this, the last evening of their honeymoon, perfect. The dessert of the meal had been a particularly unique and delicious tart topped with pineapple sliced tableside.
The bride still aglow said: “That dessert was so delicious. I’ve never had anything like it. I think I’ll order a second one.”
Her new husband’s forehead crinkled just a bit in a caring, not disapproving way. He said: “Do you really think you should do that?”
The young woman who had struggled miserably with her weight, eating, and body image since she’d been ten years old—a reality she’d tearfully shared with her new partner many, many times.
Perhaps you’d expect a fight here. Or at least a claim that he was only trying to help (which he was) or an outrage of accusations from the lady. But that’s not what happened. The bride had done her work learning how to be a ‘self’ and still be loving and intimate with a partner.
The new bride, sure of her love and herself, didn’t even flinch. She reached across the table. She softly, sweetly placed her ringed hand around the forearm of her new husband. She spoke with words of deep and unquestioning devotion, words that let him know she wasn’t angry, that she knew he loved her. But her crisp words were clear all the same:
“My love, my partner, I love you so much. So absolutely. I look forward to many years of wonderful, fun times—in the bedroom, with our families, on travels, on discoveries in all sorts of ways. I’m full of joy and sure or so much, much more. . . . But, my love—do not ever again say a word about what I eat or my God-given body unless it’s a compliment.”
He asked: “Really?”
She said: “Really.”
He said: “Not my job?”
She said: “Nope. What I eat or don’t eat or whether I exercise or wear a bikini or care about a bikini is my job and my job only. All mine. Therefore, my love, not one word ever again, about what I eat or my body.”
He said: “Got it.”
She said: “Kind of a relief, isn’t it?”
He said: “Oh yeah.” He squeezed her hand. Relief and respect glowed all over his face.
