Tag Archives: turkey

Reduce Stress Instantly, The Flying Lawn Chair Incident

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Stress. The Flying Lawn Chair Incident. How to Save Time Instantly.

Dateline: DFW Airport International Branch Headquarters, chair in the corner, face to the wall.

First, I’d like to apologize to those unfortunate passengers on flights with me this weekend. If you are thinking, “Maybe I was on a plane with her and I didn’t know it,” you were not. If you recall a short blond woman, her agonized face mashed into the window, who seemed determined to cough up her lungs, or heard one side of the 737 you were in crackle and thunder, just maybe you were. I’m very, very sorry.

Want to save yourself a lot of stress and lower your personal “annoying-to-others” score? It’s really not that tough. Technically. Technically, like jumping rope for five minutes a day can change your life—technically.

To save time and stress, all you have to do is pass out a little permission and decide:

Other people get to do what they do. They do not require my agreement. My opinion is not important, nor does it make any sense for me to insist on telling people what I think of what other people do. To comment takes time and it’s annoying, except to those very few godlike beings who agree with everything I think about people who aren’t like us. Okay, enough with the sermon.

The following account is true. A retired weatherman had an idea how he could make use of several weather balloons cluttering up his garage and change the face of aviation as we know it. First he tied four balloons to an aluminum and plastic weave lawn chair. Next he strapped himself in. Then he popped the launch cords on the balloons. Ten . . . nine . . . eight . . . . three . . . two . . . one . . . LIFT OFF!

Yeah, baby. We are flying now. Mostly we are tumbling end-over-end through the first ten thousand feet. “Oh, what a beautiful blue sky–whoa, there’s my house! Oh, what a beautiful blue sky–whoa, there’s Chicago!” The view went from spectacular to, well, nauseating. But the Man Who Launched His Lawn Chair (MWLLC) was having a ball. Airport radars spotted an unidentified blip on their radar screens. News syndicates were alerted. Planes were diverted. Non-believers were converted. (Sorry, like the MWLLC, I couldn’t stop myself.)

The MWLLC’s wife wrung her hands, though when reporters asked her if she was surprised at her husband’s antics, she admitted such projects on slow summer afternoons were nothing new for her husband. She also admitted the MWLLC had stopped telling her his plans since she’d taken to calling the police and asking the procedures for getting a spouse committed.

What’s the point of this tale? As you read, did any part of you think…What kind of crazy person does something like that?

To instantly reduce stress, let go and let other people have fun. Enjoy their enjoying. You’d think we’d all be savvy on this strategy, but such is not the case. At least not for me and, unless you are Dr. L from the radio who makes no wrong moves, like me, you fall into the boring trap of questioning why other people enjoy activities and possessions you do not. And, if you are like me, when you ask this question, your tone informs listeners that, unlike myself, people are crazy and not as wise as I am if they:

Get up at 2 a.m. on Black Friday. Deep fry their turkey. Don’t deep fry their turkey. Salt their food before tasting it. Buy expensive cars. Spank their kids. Don’t spank their kids. Put up an artificial tree. Spend a day finding a real tree. Watch that stupid television show. Enjoy mincemeat pie. Watch NASCAR, golf, basketball, baseball, fake-real television families, or prison shows. Try to buy love by giving expensive Christmas presents. Are too cheap to give expensive Christmas presents. Are foolish enough to take out a second mortgage to send their child to private college. Are selfish enough to refuse to take out a second mortgage to send their child to private college.

You’ve got the picture. I know. Ouch. Ouch. Guilty. Guilty. One of the elements of psychology that continuously amazes me is how hard and complicated something as simple as enjoying the moment really is.

About the promised Triple Stuffed Turkey Recipe? Next year when I can breathe like a normal person again. Coming: Unique Gifts Only You Can Give.

Those Stress Relief Advice Givers are Just Making Stuff Up

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Stress. Some of These Advice Givers are Just Making Stuff Up

Dateline: Gold’s Gym International Branch Office.  A couple of Texas basketball players train here in the summer. Makes the treadmill more fun.

Stress Relief Advice for the Holiday Season

How to steam a turkey in a mop bucket, how to make a wreath out of old toothbrushes, how to bake cookies shaped like antlers using sun power, how to spice up your cocoa with plants from your backyard…and on and on.  

Are you ready for the feature writers to pull out those well-worn ‘seasonal’ features?  How many times do we all have to stand around in the kitchen on Thanksgiving Day and wring our hands trading salmonella rumors?

To honor the relentless nonsensical suggestions we endure this time of year, I’m sharing two bits of bizarre advice to represent the group.

 Stress and Fat Free Turkey

Want to enjoy turkey on Thanksgiving, but you are afraid of the fat? (Okay, let’s be honest here. If you are tackling some weight issue or just living your life beating yourself up…if your first concern is the fat in turkey??…Just saying.) This tip is courtesy of one of the doctor shows. The recommendation: “If you want to enjoy turkey on the Big Day but don’t want the fat, substitute that tasty turkey breast and gravy, that delicious turkey leg… with a fat free (read: so dry you could use it as a sponge) ground turkey CUPCAKE. The delusional doctor actually added, “Not only is a turkey cupcake low in fat, it’s fun to eat!”

Doggie Stress at the Turkey Table 

We don’t want to leave out the pet on this family holiday. This chunk of news is taken from some guy on the Animal Channel. “Is your pet a problem at the dinner table? Does your dog beg for a taste of that lucious turkey dinner the people are enjoying?”

Now, right away, the fact this guy can ask such questions should warn you to plug your ears with hot tar. Lucky for us dog owners, he answers his own questions.  He says, (You should probably sit down for this one.) “While it may seem like what your dog wants is a bit of food, all he really wants is your attention.” (I know. I almost choked I was laughing so hard.)

The dog man continues: “When your dog begs at Thanksgiving Dinner, just slip your hand under the table and give him a pat on the head.”

Right. And bring back a bloody stub. A guest tearing out of the house for the emergency room during Thanksgiving Dinner is such a downer. It’s a downer for the foolishly injured person, too, because the wait will be long at the hospital. Lots of people ‘full of in a holiday spirit’ who forgot to use a potholder taking the turkey out of the oven. Those folks often sport broken toes and charred shins. Then there are the domestic violence cases. Men with turkey legs wedged sideways in their mouths and women who lost the sweet potates and marshmellows food fight.On Thanksgiving day you have to wait forever to see a doctor….I mean, that’s what I’ve heard.

Coming:  Recipe Exclusive!  Famous Triple Stuffed Turkey

 

 

 

 

Letting Others Be Themselves

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   Which, of course, they are going to be anyway.  But since we’ve given our precious permission, what that means is that we CANNOT be all surprised when they are themselves.

Remember we expected that.  Gave permission.  Later in evolvement we’ll even recognize that others have THE RIGHT to be themselves.  But, not yet.  For now we’re just being generous.

Which means:

The person who cuts in front of you at the grocery store with 80 items, you said she could do that.

The person who’s late to Thanksgiving dinner–you said that would be fine.

You gave the person who doesn’t return your e-mail for four days–you gave permission.

The person who has too much wine at dinner–you gave them permission.

The one who cannot stop talking about the one who had too much wine–you gave her permission.

The one who spends Thanksgiving talking about how diets–you gave her permission.

The one who undercooks an item and the one who burns one–you gave them permission.

The people who’ve had their Christmas lights up since mid-October–you gave them permission.

All those people jamming up the roadways–you gave them permission.

The guy who will whack me in the head as he puts his bag in the overhead on the plane–I hereby GIVE HIM PERMISSION.

Are you getting a feel for HOW ABSOLUTELY FREEING IT IS to turn your focus away from CHANGING OTHERS to MANAGING YOURSELF? 

Last Family Member Standing

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  Thanksgiving.  Wasn’t it about inviting the natives of this country to a feast?  Well, it’s not anymore.  Now it’s about food, family, and football.  And, at least for me, it’s not that easy.

Maybe you’re different, but I find it easier to tell my goals to a stranger on a plane than it is to talk to a family member?  Why?  Because I care too much what a family member says.  What he or she thinks.

Thus I OVER-LISTEN and OVER-REACT. 

I have a picture in my head as to how my SISTER, MOTHER, BROTHER, BROTHER-IN-LAW, should respond to me.  When they do not . . . and they’re always failing me . . . I lose charge of my emotional steadiness.  In fact, as we all know, any problems I have in my life today are because of their failures.  Ask any psychologist. 

THE TRIPLICATE MYTH:  If I my parents and siblings had properly loved me, I would be an all-happy person now–effortlessly. 

If my spouse properly loved me, i would be an all-happy person, now–effortlessly.

If, you, my therapist could properly loved me, I will be an all-happy person–effortlessly.

Oh no.  I just blew my own cover.  This being IN CHARGE of self is going to be really hard if I can’t convince my family, friends, and casual acquaintances to give me the attention and support I MUST HAVE.

Particularly, since unlike me.  They are nuts.