Tag Archives: success

Stress, Anxiety, and Videotapes

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Anxiety and Stress in One Family’s Relationships

Hear Ye!  Hear Ye! All ye people of the town within the sound of my voice, please lend me your ears!

I have reason to believe I am being watched and videoed.  Therefore, any resemblance between a bleary-eyed, crazy blond chick you may see on America’s Funniest HomeVideos or World’ Dumbest People—and the photo in my profile, is purely coincidental.

My sister–on having learned of certain insane activities undergone by my brother who had back surgery last week and by yours truly—has informed us that she has arranged for surveillance cameras with live feeds to be installed showing any untoward activity in our yards. Sibling position does matter in the management of family affairs.

Therefore–Let this notice serve as a public denial of any future embarrassing shots of me screaming in pain and popping back steroids while dragging around machinery, wheezing, and pulling weeds in 100 degree heat, two hours after leaving the rheumatologist because the ole lupus pains are kicking up.

Any efforts on the part of my sister to claim that I am unable to manage my health or to attach beepers to my chest and flashing red lights to my forehead should be seen as violations of my constitutional rights.  And, by the way, Sammie Davis Jr., has been spying on me, I’m sure of it and my older and smarter sister knows how to train dogs and fish to do her bidding.

Take a good look at those beady black eyes.
Fair notice to all who cannot stand to hear another word about THE TRIAL, The George Anthony, Cindy Anthony, Lee Anthony, Casey Anthony family is such a classic and well known case of watching how anxiety moves
around in a system, I will not be able to resist an entry.  Nothing shakes up the homeostasis of relationships like adding or taking away a family member.

Having opened up the “How important is sibling position?” subject, there will be more.  Just think, could be we can blame some of our less attractive features on when we were born into our family. For starters,
had I been the eldest, I’m quite sure I wouldn’t have a sealed juvenile record with the police.  Also, being second is, I’m sure why I’m not fabulously wealthy, too….Hey, this is fun…If only I’d been
first…I’d be the first female president right now.  Wow.

 

This Little Piggy Goes to Marketing, Part 3

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Dateline: Hollywood (LAX) International Branch Office

This Little Piggy Goes to Marketing, Part 3

Why is attending a four day marketing conference such a big deal hard thing for a person (me) to do?

Here’s the situation:  Think of the most rabid liberal left wing person you know.  Now imagine that he or she is forced to sit in a chair facing forward listening to four days of enthusiasticconservative rightwing speeches.  Or, switch the sides, it doesn’t matter.  In my case, the real me is a rabid recluse so willing to avoid anything that even looks like selling…I still consider Mexico City a comforting place to vacation.

Now take a moment to figure out what sort of situation fills you with the urge to run or bang your head against the wall.  The goal here is for all of us to fight past the anxiety and learn something. Remember the guy who didn’t switch the newsstand where he bought his paper even though the seller was always surly? (See previous entry.) Your staying open to what people unlike yourself have to say is like that. 

Because here’s the thing.  We tend to be open to new information only from people who hold the same opinions and interests we do.  We tend discount, twist, or ignore information from people who hold opposing opinions or differing lifestyles.  And, yet, as cozy as it would be to simply conclude that people who think like we do are brilliant and clear-headed, and people who think differently are idiots….

And yes, the argument with your husband, sister, or parent counts as a challenge to stay open to the possibility that there is a way to see the situation other than the way you see it. I mean, just maybe.

Oh, no. The speaker just said he wanted to be a respected expert, so he became an author on a subject he knew nothing about…and waa-la..now people treat him with respect…now people see him as a game changer.…my arm is going numb…he became an author because people will treat him like a player…I’m not sure I can stick this out for four days… He just yelled out asking if we wanted to dabble in success or MASTER IT?…Oh no…The Number One Key for Success?  Oh, no…I can’t believe this.  According to the “instant expert-game changer-player who is yelling questions…the greatest determinant of your success is ….who you hang around with!  He’s telling all us Kool-Aid drinkers to go  back to our hotel room tonight, list the five people we spend the most time with, and face the facts. Since your success–money—will be an average of the incomes of five people you most often hang with…and, he says, if they don’t measure up…yep, you guessed it. It’s time to change who you hang around with. 

I should leave early….I’ve got some emails to send out to my nun and ex-priest buddies. I can see I need to scratch that Nuevo Laredoorphanage planning committee bunch of low-paid losers off my list of compadres. As for my family….Well, they’ll want the best for me, right? 

0h no. Now he’s showing a photo of his new 38,000 square foot mansion and his limo. Oh, and he’s hawking his follow-up seminar which costs fifteen thousand. He’s talking about how the people who go through his success bootcamp leave with tears in their eyes. For my part…I have tears already.  I’m heading back to my hotel room to watch some prison shows and bang my head against the wall.

How to Treat Yourself

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horsedreamstime_7289086Hang on…Hang on.  Don’t get your hopes up.   Do you think Iwant to teach myself right out a career?

“How to Treat Yourself” is about…okay…how you treat yourself.  We spend a lot of time and energy struggling to get other people treat us well.  With limited success, I might add.  Other people are so resistent to training.  “Here…here’s your script, dear.  When I say this….you say….and never say….Also, you are required to compliment me…and never mention that little, okay, moderate less-than-perfect feature…never, ever and I can tell by your expression you’re thinking about it.”

Not only are other people difficult to train, they often are distracted attending to their own lives….Speaking of annoying habits.

Thus, “How to Treat Yourself” is a self-employment opportunity.

The Show Horse Philosophy.  A friend and I followed had a lead on a horse prospect, a small bay with three white socks.  Outside of the socks, the horse had little to catch the eye or, in my case, hopes for a big future.  We located the scrawny fellow in a field outside of town, trailered him into the show barn, and walked his dusty, a undersized body into the stable.  Disappointed with our find, I leaned against the wall, waiting for a next move.  Not my friend.  To my wonder, she immediately located her grooming tools and set to work on Three Socks. She cross-tied the prospect, brushed out the dust and loose hair, oiled his hooves, trimmed his ears, then stood back to survey Three Socks.

From where I loitered I asked: “Why did you go to all that trouble?”

She said:  “I’m not letting him go without a chance.  What I”ve learned is, treat a horse like a show horse and he acts like a showhorse.”

Did Three Socks end up Hunter Champion of the State?  Did he go on to prove his doubters wrong?  (Theme from Rocky here.)  No, he didn’t. 

Here is the great beauty of the Thinking Guidance System over the Emotional Guidance System.  My friend wasn’t going for future trophies.  While my Emotional System was asking, “Why go to all this trouble and still be a loser?”

Her Thinking Guidance System used facts.  Not “potential happenings” from some mystical future where, apparently, we all expect… if we can make the right decisions..we will be transformed by having more money, a better job, recognition…winning the lottery…whatever we are holding on to that’s going to happen so that we will be happier… My friend operated with the fact that “Every minute you are alive…you can make it great…have fun with it….If you make it great….no way to be a loser.  Or, you can stand on the sidelines (with me) criticizing and thinking of a future which may or may not happen.”

Why Not You?

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racehorsedreamstime_14433551Last Saturday afternoon a short, skinny gelding won the Kentucky Derby by the biggest lead in 63 years.  Against every measure this horse is a loser.  But he  won.  Why not you?

Maybe you didn’t have all of Mine the Bird’s avantages.  After all, he was given up as a loser, gelded, rated at 50 to 1, and came out of the starting gate rather badly.

What if Mine the Bird had had a typical human Emotional Guidance System to get in his way?  No way he’d have been in the race.  No way he’d talked himself into showing up at the track.  He certainly didn’t LOOK like a race horse.  Every tipster who’d watched him run said Mine the Bird had no business in the Kentucky Derby.  The owner who sold him dumped him for $9500.

The ultimate show of lack of confidence is gelding a stallion.  For those of you not familiar with the horse world, this means–no million dollar or two dollar stud fees. Gelding is done for a variety of reasons, including behavioral difficulties, ease of handling, and when the owner does not believe the horse has any future value as a stud. 

Sometimes when I’m doing couples counseling, the man will comment on the woman’s emotionality by saying, “Well, you know how women are.”   I nod in agreement, adding that I’d never bought a female showhorse and never will because of their upredictability, particularly around a stallion or when they have babies.   The man always smiles, appreciating that “though I are one” I understand “how women are.”  I continue saying I’ve always showed male horses . . . geldings, of course.  The smile fades and we’re back to even ground.

How much do we let the expectations others determine how far with go with our dreams?  How much do your own expectations hold you back?

Someone’s going to win.  Why not you?  

But you do have to go to racetrack.  No one’s going to knock on your door, whip on a bridle, and lead you to the starting gate.

NOW…BE HERE… NOW

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moundreamstime_4441142There is a man walking a hard and narrow high mountain path.  Below him all sorts of horrors await should he make one false step …tiny flies sting his eyes so desperately he’s tempted to close them and avoid even trying to continue his journey.

The lofty goals he set for himself are now lost in clouds so thick he cannot remember what they are.  Why is he even here?  What’s the point of one foot in front of the other, and by the way, his feet are hurting.  He’s thinking, “I’m too old for this.  I’m too fat for this.  I think I’m getting a headache which could mean another virus is about to ruin my week.”

He slips.  Suddenly, he drops off the side of the mountain. On the way down,  his hands grasping as he slides, his fingers close around a branch.  Not a strong branch.  Not a branch that will last forever, but a branch for NOW.

As he hangs there…. he sees just in front of his face a wild strawberry bush with one strawberry on it.  Only one, but it is a perfect strawberry. He picks it, enjoys the rich red color, then takes a bite.  Not looking down, not search the mountaintop for rescue, he pops the rest of the strawberry into his mouth.  His whole attention is on the wonder of that strawberry. 

This is you.   That is me.  Now.

Are You Being “Gaslighted?”

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The answer is, “Of course you are. We all are.”   The question is only a matter of degree.  But to what degree you are being “Gaslighted” depends on many factors and is incredibly important. We’ll start with family.

“Gaslighting,” taken from the movie by that name, refers to one person convincing another that something is true about them, which isn’t true.  In the movie, a husband convinces his new bride that she is losing her mind in order to have control of her fortune.  I’m quite convinced that certain demented dogs are capable of “Gaslighting” their owners which I am writing about this away from my home computer.  Crazy Dog has been staring over my shoulder like a starving child watching Krispy Kreme doughnuts sugared up by one of those amazing glazing machines.

You are being “Gaslighted” just as I am, everyday, as other people–especially those who love us and fear for us–try to convince us that WE ARE WHO THEY THINK WE ARE.

We are “Gaslighting” others, everyday, as we convince others–especially those we love–that they are WHO WE THINK THEY ARE.

This is huge. Too huge for just one day. “Gaslighting” doesn’t happen because other people are evil or don’t love us. I had a brief former life as a teenage wife, an effort to grow up that was a smashing, and luckily for both of us, a matter of only months. I’ve been asked many times, “How did you know to get out?”  “Why didn’t you end up spending years trying to make the relationship work?”

My answer: The young man I was married to had a view of me, and what I was capable of accomplishing, that was very different from the picture of me my father had. I was lucky. Had I been raised by a parent who saw me as weak and incapable, who knows? 

So the first place we’re “Gaslighted” is in the family growing up.   Note: Mysteryshrink is not a parent-blamer. Each of us comes by who we are through a natural process. The idea that one generation can look back at another and “blame” their problems on the generation before is simply ridiculous. Do you think our generation is the first to run this scam? Do you honestly believe your parents represented a new species of disturbance that hasn’t been seen before?”  (See, The Triplicate Myth.) Still, it is in the family that “Gaslighting” takes root, not because a parent or sibling wants us to turn out a certain way… but because parents and siblings react automatically to fit our behavior with expectations… and then mold their expectations to direct our new behaviors.

Whew. Think of it like this. In doing family work, clients are always quick to point out how different they are from their siblings. But, how much of that came with the package into the world, and to what degree are those differences playing out expectations?  Think of a family like a car.  If the car already has an accelerator when you are born into it, you will take up another role.  “She’s the one who’ll make a great mother.” “She’ll be the career woman in the family.”  “She’ll always be in trouble.”  “He’ll be the rebel.”  “He’ll end up in jail.”

Here’s where we get back to the importance of “degree.”  How much room was there for you to wriggle around and become someone different from expectations?  Will I one day be able to go to sleep without locating all seven of Crazy Dog’s squeaky toys and lining them up on the bed as she expects?

 

 

Breathe In, Breathe Out, One Foot in Front of the Other

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Have you ever wanted to stop time?  Know the future?   Accomplish a complex goal quickly? 

One night a few years ago, I woke up at three a.m., my head whirling with all that I needed to accomplish and all the questions I had about the future.  If I could just know NOW what was around the next corner.  Then I would know how to invest my time and energy. The not knowing was making me (I was making me) crazy and sleepless.

I went into my home office and slipped a book off the shelf, “The Snow Leopard.”  At the moment, I’m in my Dallas International World Headquarters Hilton and thus cannot quote exactly, but the pages opened to a scene in which the narrator was doubting whether or not he could finish his trek into the Himalayas…when a grasshopper in his path spoke to him. ( Remember, not a quote…been years… the important part is the message.)

The narrator asked the grasshopper how he could so bravely bounce up into the air and come down again on the path when the slightest wrong tilt or gust of wind and he’d be in flight for two miles straight down. The grasshopper answered something like this. “What choice do I have or does anyone really have?  I go foward, one step at a time with all my spirit.  What happens, happens.  It’s my path to go one step at a time.”

I was reminded that no matter how we try, this is our job.  To put one foot in front of the other with courage. 

One foot in front of the other, not skittering off the path in fear of what might happen, not taking side paths out of fear, and somehow, some way bringing something to the human struggle.

My goal is to bring  a smile now and then. Two guys are talking.

First Guy: “I saw a clown one street over.”

Second Guy: “Was it a clown, or just someone dressed up like a clown?”

Mexico…