New Year’s Resolutions

Posted on December 20, 2008 by mysteryshrink

“The BowFlex has given me more than new strength, it’s given me a new LIFE. Nutrisystem has given me more than a new body, it’s given me a new LIFE. This xx allery medication has given me more than clear breath, it’s given me LIFE.”

Oh, if only we could really experience a better life by obtaining something, eating programed food, or taking a pill.

We can’t. Think about it. If it really worked, WOULD EVERY SINGLE, NOT MISSING ONE, ALL so-called women’s magazines HAVE A NEW DIET ON THE COVER EVERY MONTH?

These “articles” and info-mercials are dead ends. I do admit their allure. It’s even worse in other countries where their is no attempt to even flash the unreadable disclaimers across the bottom of the screen. In Mexico you can buy a jar of fat-sucking gel. This way you can choose the places where you want the fat to come off (One jar per household, please.) You can order a box of patches (just pay shipping and handling) which you can place on the area you want to reduce “and have the NEWLY DISCOVERED SECRET work through the night.”

Buying something, even temporarily changing your body, does not work. Maybe you get a short spurt of false esteem but that’s it.

There is a way though. We can work toward CHANGING the way we RESPOND. We can, with very hard work, CHANGE our AUTOMATIC ways of THINKING to take better care of ourselves.

Your brain is in your body. No one else can take care of your FEELINGS. No one else can change your THOUGHTS.

So, here’s the job for 2009. I’ve always been intrigued about the phenomenon that when a son or daughter has been absolutely proven to have committed brutal murder, the parents still believe their child is innocent. The theories for who did the crime are bizarre. And what about that husband in North Texas who, after his wife was shown to be the only person who could have (and did) stab their two sons to death–still claims his wife as a maligned angel?

I know, weird way to get to the point. But 2009 is when we work toward having a friend life that in our corner. Ourselves.

No, we’re not going to murder anyone. We’re actually going to be a lot nicer.

Taking care of you is the kindest thing you can do for those around you. You can’t be loving when you’re angry at you. You can’t reach your dreams if you’re not backing yourself with wild commitment.

2009, I’m ready. ARE YOU?

Jacking Up and Calming Down with Family

Posted on November 23, 2008 by mysteryshrink

The Movie Revolt Incident: It was Friday afternoon after Thanksgiving. After lunch, a group of six laws and in-laws in my husband’s family decided to go to a popular horror movie. On the way, one sister-in-law announced she’d drop off the rest of us and come back to pick us up, as she did not want to see this particular movie. That’s when things began falling apart. I opted to skip the movie as well. A third expressed doubts and the pro-movie people started suggesting other movies.

Yikes. We stopped to buy a paper and look for another movie, though we three rebels were okay without one. The start time for the horror movie past, one brother-in-law threw up his hands and criticized his wife for not listening to him when he said they should bring the paper with them from home. I started apologizing for some random thing (and thinking how these family “togetherness” holidays were overrated). The original “rebel” launched in on a story from childhood when she didn’t sleep for days after a horror movie. Her husband added that she was “always like this with his family, but anything goes when they are with her family.”

All because one person attempted a INDIVIDUALITY move.

Thinking in terms of natural systems, each of us operates with a TOGETHERNESS force and a INDIVIDUALITY force.

What? Think of it like this when you are anxious and find relief calling a friend, your togetherness force was in affect. If you feel calmer at Thanksgiving when you escape to the back den and the football game, your individuality force is in action.

Forget the complexity. In the next several days we will look at ways to manage anxiety when our force for individuality is overwhelmed by the presence of others, each of whom INSISTS ON BEING THEMSELVES instead of only being in ways to MAKE US COMFORTABLE.

Whew. I’m tired just thinking about it.

Strategy

Posted on September 2, 2008 by mysteryshrink

Usually, when someone first comes into my office, what they’re wanting to know is: “How can I keep doing what I’m already doing, and get a DIFFERENT RESULT?

People are fairly predictable, so why aren’t we using that to improve our lives? We are each one predictable in how we manage anxiety. Do you try to take control? Try to get the other to change? Do you withdraw? Sink in defeat? Have a cheesecake? Gossip?

Oh, all these options are grim. And we’ve CHOSEN to create a world for ourselves that is lovely and joyful. We have decided to be like our grandfather who died with a great big smile on his face instead of meeting death screaming and crying like the other passengers in his car.

Why is Change so Hard?

Posted on July 23, 2008 by mysteryshrink

Many people don’t have any idea what goes on when psychotherapy is effective.

Effective psychotherapy is not:

FEELING BETTER when you leave the session because you’ve “vented.” This kind of psychotherapy can make things worse by supporting the following misconceptions:

1. Venting improves lives and relationships.

2. The psychologist, because he can tolerate your venting, is a much better person to be emotionally intimate with than your spouse or family.

3. If people love you (spouse, family) they should put up with anything, including your venting which is laced with criticisms and claims of victimhood.

4. Having not been challenged to THINK, you leave your session more convinced than ever that YOUR MADE UP VERSION of the WORLD and EVENTS and the PEOPLE in your relationship system –is indeed correct.

That’s where we’re going with this. REAL CHANGE is difficult because to CHANGE your BEHAVIOR, you must first CHANGE YOUR MIND.

Really. You have to accept that what you respond to on a daily basis is not THE WORLD, but the STORY YOU’VE MADE UP ABOUT THE WORLD based on facts plus lots and lots of powerful ANXIETY.

Are you willing to challenge your own mindset?

Are you willing to consider that your spouse IS NOT the person you’re convinced he is? (Now, we’re not talking paranoia, but going the other way. Is it just possible he’s a more caring, kinder, brighter person than you ever thought possible?)

What would your life be like if you gave him the benefit of the doubt? Jumped to the best possible assumption instead of the worst? (He’s late because he’s a selfish, disorganized, uncaring person. Or add in a worse case senario that puts yourself down. He’s late because he doesn’t respect me, because I’m a doormat, because I’m not attractive.)

Yes. I know it sounds ridiculous to think a husband would not bother to be on time because his wife was not as attractive as she used to be–but somebody’s buying all those exercise machines, programed meals, four stage cosmetic routines.

A Better Relationship in One Week: Day One

Posted on May 19, 2008 by mysteryshrink

“Tell me, Doc. How can I keep doing what I’m already doing, but get a DIFFERENT RESULT?”

In relationship counseling, each person comes in essentially asking, “How can I keep doing what I’m already doing–but get a different response from by chosen other?”

After thirty years of “practicing” psychology, I don’t know specifically what actions will work to improve a particular relationship. I do know which behaviors more or less guarantee failure.

Think of it as if you are standing in a clearing in a forest. Narrow trails sprout from the edges of the clearning into the trees. I don’t know which of the trails will end up where you want to be, but I do know which trails will lead you to a dead end or worse.

The first of these is the trail that reads: I can improve this relationship and my pleasure in this relationship by CONVINCING THE OTHER TO CHANGE.

Who’s in charge? Don’t you want to be in charge?

I’ve had thirty years of marriage, too. And, like any good spouse, I have applied this YOU CHANGE approach daily, even giving hour by hour suggestions. And, yet, the man goes on being himself. What’s up with that?

Where do I turn. Then, there’s the mirror. Eek! Me? I have to change me?

But that’s hard.

Challenge One: Take charge of what goes on inside your chest cavity. Your feelings. That bundle of energy or hope or whatever it is that determines the expression on our faces, the energy and optimism or lack of joy with which we approach each and every situation.

Inner Torturer

Posted on April 28, 2008 by mysteryshrink

Hey, in case you do not have a well-developed INNER TORTURER, or a spouse, relative, or friend willing to teach you to DOUBT YOURSELF, there’s always Dr. L. Perfect on the radio.

You can call in and she’ll give you the words to beat yourself up with. Regularly.

SPEED KILLS

Posted on April 10, 2008 by mysteryshrink

But, I need help now!

You have an idea now what it means to base your actions more on your BEST THINKING and less on EMOTIONAL PRESSURE from others or EMOTIONAL PRESSURE from within yourself.

Still . . . how? I need specifics, doc.

First step is to breathe. Leave a space between what the other person says and your response. Heck, let that other person say something, then you breathe, wait ten seconds, and THEN respond. If you’re my “other person,” you’ll look stunned and clear your ears, thinking, surely, I’d jumped right in that tiny little space with my defensive remark and he’d missed it.

Another advantage of slowing down. You can think better when you’re not rushing your response. Or, at least you can leave the impression you are thinking. That’s pretty cool. I’ll settle for that.

MysteryShrink

A Psychologist on the Loose

Tag Archives: self help