Tag Archives: self help

The Fourteen Dollar Martini Murder, Stress in Paradise

Posted on by
Reply

The Fourteen Dollar Martini Murder, Stress in Paradise

Episode One: Revolution on the Beach

Dateline: Cabo San Lucas Hilton Resort International Branch Headquarters.
This place is what heaven would be like if you could get in using Hilton Points. There is one small problem in paradise, though. I didn’t think the issue would come to this, but these people are relentless and used to getting what they want.

Note: I am grateful not to be an only child, or the first child. When you grow up with siblings, you know you don’t get your way all the time. Just ask my little brother.

To kick off the New Year in proper psychologist fashion, I’d planned to write a series on the absolutelyhardest psychological problem for all us. Something lite on how to be a happy human in every way, all the time–just pay shipping and handling. But then,
everything went all to heck here at the resort. And, well, total happiness will
have to wait.

Set-up:  Ultimate Supreme Superlative Fabulous Luxury…resort on the beach of the Sea of Cortez. (Yes, I’ve been watching Toddlers a.nd Tierras. It’s a call for help.)…Glorious Spanish style hotel, infinity pools, palm trees, white uniformed waiters and helpers to meet every need of guests stretched out on gel memory foam chaise lounges, each with several tan and white beach towels (warmed at night in December). There are swim up bars, spa stations, four restaurants, and even whales on the horizon.

Perfect, right? Well, maybe, until the humans who’d migrated from the north
noticed one teeny tiny flaw in the perfect hotel on the perfect beach. This wee
fact chaffs like hot sand too high up in the bathing suit.

To comprehend the seriousness of the Chaise Lounge War, we are talking combatants with unlimited funds. I am likely the only woman here who bought her bathing suit ‘cover-all’ (I thought the name‘cover all’ served my purpose perfectly.) at Walmart. The man one chaise over just told someone casually: “My son only wanted to go to SMU or Duke, so heonly applied to those two. He was accepted at both. SMU offered him a full four-year scholarship, but then after touring both campuses, he decided he liked the Duke camps a tiny bit better. So that’s where he went and it cost me $240,000.”

Yeah, I know. Martians, right? I expected him to say, “But then after touring both campuses, he told me he liked Duke a tiny bit better, and I asked him if he wanted to live.”

So, different folks. I don’t think Hilton points are the main currency here.

When we arrived before Christmas the hotel was not completely full and the chaise lounge issue was but a mere fleeting shadow over paradise. But as the week closed in on New Year’s, the chaise lounge dilemma rumbled and grew, sucking up more and more time and attention. And, yes, fear. Now the chaise lounge issue has careened completely off the page.

There’s talk of stun guns.

Next: Episode Two. The Wealthy Strike Back at Unfair Pool Regulations!

 

 

Reduce Stress Instantly, The Flying Lawn Chair Incident

Posted on by
Reply

Stress. The Flying Lawn Chair Incident. How to Save Time Instantly.

Dateline: DFW Airport International Branch Headquarters, chair in the corner, face to the wall.

First, I’d like to apologize to those unfortunate passengers on flights with me this weekend. If you are thinking, “Maybe I was on a plane with her and I didn’t know it,” you were not. If you recall a short blond woman, her agonized face mashed into the window, who seemed determined to cough up her lungs, or heard one side of the 737 you were in crackle and thunder, just maybe you were. I’m very, very sorry.

Want to save yourself a lot of stress and lower your personal “annoying-to-others” score? It’s really not that tough. Technically. Technically, like jumping rope for five minutes a day can change your life—technically.

To save time and stress, all you have to do is pass out a little permission and decide:

Other people get to do what they do. They do not require my agreement. My opinion is not important, nor does it make any sense for me to insist on telling people what I think of what other people do. To comment takes time and it’s annoying, except to those very few godlike beings who agree with everything I think about people who aren’t like us. Okay, enough with the sermon.

The following account is true. A retired weatherman had an idea how he could make use of several weather balloons cluttering up his garage and change the face of aviation as we know it. First he tied four balloons to an aluminum and plastic weave lawn chair. Next he strapped himself in. Then he popped the launch cords on the balloons. Ten . . . nine . . . eight . . . . three . . . two . . . one . . . LIFT OFF!

Yeah, baby. We are flying now. Mostly we are tumbling end-over-end through the first ten thousand feet. “Oh, what a beautiful blue sky–whoa, there’s my house! Oh, what a beautiful blue sky–whoa, there’s Chicago!” The view went from spectacular to, well, nauseating. But the Man Who Launched His Lawn Chair (MWLLC) was having a ball. Airport radars spotted an unidentified blip on their radar screens. News syndicates were alerted. Planes were diverted. Non-believers were converted. (Sorry, like the MWLLC, I couldn’t stop myself.)

The MWLLC’s wife wrung her hands, though when reporters asked her if she was surprised at her husband’s antics, she admitted such projects on slow summer afternoons were nothing new for her husband. She also admitted the MWLLC had stopped telling her his plans since she’d taken to calling the police and asking the procedures for getting a spouse committed.

What’s the point of this tale? As you read, did any part of you think…What kind of crazy person does something like that?

To instantly reduce stress, let go and let other people have fun. Enjoy their enjoying. You’d think we’d all be savvy on this strategy, but such is not the case. At least not for me and, unless you are Dr. L from the radio who makes no wrong moves, like me, you fall into the boring trap of questioning why other people enjoy activities and possessions you do not. And, if you are like me, when you ask this question, your tone informs listeners that, unlike myself, people are crazy and not as wise as I am if they:

Get up at 2 a.m. on Black Friday. Deep fry their turkey. Don’t deep fry their turkey. Salt their food before tasting it. Buy expensive cars. Spank their kids. Don’t spank their kids. Put up an artificial tree. Spend a day finding a real tree. Watch that stupid television show. Enjoy mincemeat pie. Watch NASCAR, golf, basketball, baseball, fake-real television families, or prison shows. Try to buy love by giving expensive Christmas presents. Are too cheap to give expensive Christmas presents. Are foolish enough to take out a second mortgage to send their child to private college. Are selfish enough to refuse to take out a second mortgage to send their child to private college.

You’ve got the picture. I know. Ouch. Ouch. Guilty. Guilty. One of the elements of psychology that continuously amazes me is how hard and complicated something as simple as enjoying the moment really is.

About the promised Triple Stuffed Turkey Recipe? Next year when I can breathe like a normal person again. Coming: Unique Gifts Only You Can Give.

How the Worst that Can Happen Can Be the Best, in Three Episodes

Posted on by
Reply

Stress, How the Worst that Can Happen Can Be the Best, in Three Episodes

The “Riding into Mexico City on Mangos” Incident

Dateline: Mexico City Hilton Reforma Branch Office. Being here in this fine high rise hotel, I can’t help comparing this visit to another when accommodations were not quite so lovely. And a night when I learned an important life lesson.

Sometimes the worst thing that can happen turns out to be the best thing that could happen, only you don’t know that, of course, when everything is going wrong. But something good can come out of a mess. After all, we didn’t end up raped and murdered on the side of that toll way coming into Mexico City after midnight that rainy night.

Every word of this story is true, though portions have been toned down and presented in fictional pieces since no one would believe me except my family and they choose to focus on my better qualities. The ride into Mexico City began the day before the night when everything happened, indeed a very special day. First, at ten in the morning, the judge in Houston brought the gavel down on my bizarre ten-month marriage to my stepbrother. Then at four in the afternoon my friend, Sister Victoria Marie, turned in her final papers at the convent in San Antonio. Exiting the limo my lawyer had hired for the overnight trip from Austin and back (thinking teenage divorcees had to be easy), I hopped in the used Mustang I’d purchased through the student credit union, picked up the Sister, who was now back to being Sam (Sonia), and we did what every early loser in Texas does on the weekend after their first failed attempt at adulthood.

We headed for the border.

We loaded up the trunk with diet drinks and blasted all the way to Monterrey the first night since she had rich relatives there. They took us out to KFC where we christened our journey the Freedom Celebration Hayride, a name which would later seem a haunting omen. The next day we cut south for Mexico City, just Sam, me, and El Sanborn, sucking up our freedom.   El Sanborn, a point-by-point guide provided free with Mexican auto insurance, was the man giving all the directions and the only man we were listening to on this trip.  The August day was hot and perfect even after mid-afternoon when we’d retrieved a couple of diet root beers from the drunk which had exploded in our faces.

Everything was funny and fun. Sam and I had been given a second chance. We couldn’t possibly mess up our lives again, at least not any time real soon. Not long after we congratulated each other with that thought, the tequila started to kick in. Around four we’d stopped into this lovely ex-hacienda hotel on El Sanborn’s recommendation and had what we referred to as a stylishly late adult lunch. Then back on the freedom highway kicking on the past and planning limitless futures.

Ready to roll the dice one more time. Then, again, thinking building a life could be accomplished by throwing dice at all was what landed us this highway in Mexico in the middle of the night.

Tune in tomorrow when the Freedom Celebration Hayride takes a terrifying detour.

Last Mexico Tourist Standing, Anxiety, Part Two

Posted on by
Reply

Stress to the Max, The Togetherness Force in Mexico City Traffic and How It Can Get You Killed

Dateline:  The outer reaches of a traffic circle on the magnificent including impaired health. Whether or good or bad depends on whether driven by emotions or thinking.

What does the great leader of the Aztecs, Moctezuma have to do with the togetherness force and the individuality force? Well, he did lose touch with what he believed…when he was awed by the horses, the guns, and the facial hair of Hernán Cortés.  Some kind of rock star worship, I guess.  Allowing the conqueror to take over his “bests thinking” decision-making didn’t end well for the chief.

Now back to whether or not you are a relationship junkie, that is, unable to move if someone you care about is anxious.  Or unable to stop moving away if someone you care about is anxious.

Too much of the togetherness force (fusion) is when you can’t tell where you stop and the other person begins. When you feel what the other person feels. If when your important other (or, heck, could be a particularly annoying stranger) gets upset…and you automatically get upset. You automatically go into ‘fix-it’ behaviors. You know you will not be okay until the other person is okay. Fusion is not all bad. All intimate relationships have some fusion.

Too much of the separateness force can result in too much distance as occurs when marital partners or siblings share so little they do not have enough common experience to know who or what the other is talking about.  Separateness like fusion is not all bad and is a part of all relationships.

All of us experience both forces.  The forces are not descriptions of pathology, though some people and cultures value one over the other, such as when “true love” is seen as one person being unable to survive without the other, or in frontier days when a person could not compromise sufficiently to live with others and rode away as the admired “rugged individual.”  This same over-sensitivity to others contributes to homeless persons preferring to camp out rather than suffer the closeness of a shelter.

If driving in Sonoma, California, the relationship junkies will fare better than the loners who will get chewed out for being rude (?).  In Mexico City, relationship junkies on the road–looking left and right, letting drivers in from side streets, even obeying red and green lights–endanger not just to themselves, but also innocent drivers who play by the city’s rules.  As a relationship junkie you will likely be found months later babbling incoherently as you drive round and round, circling the Statue of the Angel…and praying a little.

As Jessica LeFave, the psychologist sleuth in “Too Rich and Too Thin, NOT an Autobiography” says: “The rule in the horseshow warm-up ring is: Pay attention to what’s in front of you, and only what’s in front of you. Go soft–try to take care of who’s behind you and to the side–and you’re just mucking up the show.  We fools hooked on jumping horses over fences learn anti-defensive driving to survive in the warm-up ring before each class. The warm-up ring is always a tiny space, usually cut into units by steel girders supporting the coliseum, dividers perfectly positioned so that should you lose control for a moment, slip slightly left or right in the saddle, your neck will snap back as your head cracks into the steel. In this insane space, several dozen giant and excited horses randomly charge over fences in zigzagging paths with no regard for on-coming traffic or flying poles.  The straight-ahead, terror-factor-focus learned in the horse show warm-up ring is why I can drive in Mexico City, and why I’d make it through tonight and tomorrow (confronting a killer).”

Next:  Beginning of the Relationship Dependence Series, the “It’s Only Thunder” Incident.  Also facinating updates from the Last Mexico Tourist.

 

 

 

 

Stress, Togetherness and the “Short Wife, ‘Helpful’ Husband Incident”

Posted on by
Reply

Stress, Being a Self, and the “Short Wife and the ‘Helpful’ Husband Incident”

Relationship Addiction and Anxiety

Dateline: Buying a ticket on American Flight 433 DFW to Mexico City. Yes, I know. I received all your admonitions that I shouldn’t go. See below for explanation.

Calming Your Anxiety by Doing Whatever You Have to Do to Calm the Other Person, a Teeny Bit More on fusion.

Understanding and being able to “feel” the emotional processes of the togetherness force and the individuality force–and working toward balance is only likely to be the most important work of your life. When the togetherness force is unquestionably allowed to run your life, you could end up living someone else’s life.  If you respond to anxiety with an allergy to others, you could end up disconnected from important systems.

The Short Wife and the Helpful Husband Incident:  A couple was settling in on huge passenger jet bound from DFW to Madrid.  Both are almost giddy with excitement and looking forward to the adventure.  The husband was quickly placing items into overhead storage space.  The wife had her feet settled on her make-up case.  Here is their conversation:

Husband: “Hand me your make-up bag.”

Wife: “Why?”

Husband:  “I need to but it up here in the storage bin.”

Wife:  “No, I like it here.  I can rest my feet.”

Husband:  “Come on. Give it to me now before all the space is taken up.”

Wife: “But–”

Husband:  “I know you.  A couple of hours from now, you’re going to want to put it up here later and it will be too late.”

Wife: “But, I don’t want to put it up there.”

Husband:  “Why do you have to be like this?  You are so stubborn. (?) Are you going to be this difficult on the whole trip?” Husband flings his body into the seat and orders a bloody Mary, double.

Wife:  “I shouldn’t have let you talk me into this trip in the first place. I don’t even feel like going anymore.”  Wife puts the book she was looking forward reading into the seat pocket and slaps the airline crossword down on her tray.

Note, the plane has not yet taken off.  Lucky for them, the other passengers were distracted by some blond chick in the back going on and on and on, whining because American Airlines switched from miniature packs of peanuts to miniature packs of pretzels.  Sheesh.  Some people!

The

The willingness and capacity to manage emotional reactivity.  Can you stay calm and upbeat discussing politics with someone on the other side of issues?  Are you able to be calm around your family? Are you able to maintain closeness in relationships even when others (family members, friends) persist in decisions with which you don’t agree? What happens when a driver pulls out in front of you? When your in-laws make suggestions?  What happens when you have to wait? And wait some more?

Also the ability to be part of a group and to be separate is characterized by: A willingness to stand alone and assume responsibility for one’s own life. Are you able to state what you believe and make decisions using your “best thinking” when others do not agree?  Are you able to do this without being defensive or trying to talk the other into changing their position? What happens to your anxiety level when someone you care about is displeased with you? Have you ever distanced from friends or family members because you didn’t agree with the way they spend money?  Raised their children?  Voted?  Practiced or didn’t practice religion?  Kept house?  Have you ever distanced because you don’t like the way you “feel” around family?  Have you given up challenging yourself to get a little better at managing your anxiety or have you decided your anxiety is other people’s responsibility? Have you decided, Aunt Mary is “impossible”?  Uncle Dave is “mean”?  Sister Sue is a “wacko”?  Or, do you express your inability to manage anxiety by saying, “Maybe when so-and-so apologizes to me.”

Hey, now.  No self-criticism allowed. Remember, the force for togetherness, like the force for individuality, is rooted deep in our biological makeup.  At least that’s the story I’m sticking with.  Gives me a lot more people to blame my behavior on.  …Hmmmmm…..I don’t know how they expect a person to open these teeny packages of pretzels. Grrr!  Oops.  Great.  Now I don’t even have the lousy pretzels since they are all over the couple behind me.

Next: “Too Much Togetherness Force Can Get You Killed in Mexico City”

Stress and Doing Your Own Thinking

Posted on by
Reply

Immediate Stress Relief: Join a Gang

Dateline:  Stress in a New Mexico Maximum Security Prison, via television.

Where would any of us end up if–during those needy barely adolescent years—we had no sense of self and no sense of a future?  And we were offered both for the mere orice of turning our thinking over to a group, a gang in this case.  (Instead of say, the military, where the leaders, at least, have to answer to someone?)

“In October of 2009 :: James Arthur Ray’s $10,000 per head Spiritual Warrior seminar ended in calamity and tragedy. Three people were killed :: eighteen injured {many seriously} :: and thousands of followers were shocked to learn the true dark nature of the man they’d been paying large sums to follow.”

Prisons are full of people whose “group think” landed them in big trouble, somewhat like the ill-fated sweat lodge followers of James Arthur Ray. Trial update. The inmates, of course, didn’t have to pay thousands of dollars for the experience of giving up thinking as individuals, but then again…I’m quite sure if someone opened the flap of their tent there’d be a rush for the doors.

“Any relationship can function like a gang if the requirement ito belong is giving up using your own “best thinking”.  The less developed a person’s “self,” the more impact others have on his functioning and the more he tries to control, actively or passively, the functioning of others.” For a full description: The Bowen Family Center.

I remember a movie (not the title, sadly) which opens with a lovely wedding being held on the lawn of a Southern plantation-style mansion. The day is beautiful, the grounds lush with just the right amount of moss hanging from the trees. The guests are dressed in bright colors and the newly married couple are lovely.  As the credits finish, guests are leaving with many kisses and good wishes for the bride and groom. Now only a few family members remain scattered out around the lawn chatting with the wedding party.  The bride, after a particularly pleasant send off for some friends, is walking across the grass alone when she spots a plate next to the wedding cake.  On the plate are the remains of the ceremonial piece of cake her husband had offered her with their arms linked.  She smiles, the sweet memory still warm in her mind.  She steps over to the table and picks up the piece of cake for another lingering, dreamy bite.

And that’s when it happens.  Her very new husband hurries over to where she stands ready to pop a bite of cake into her mouth. He grabs her arm, frowns, and says, “Hey, not with your fingers!” A look of horrified recognition registered in her eyes.

Welcome to the gang.

 

 

Do You Procrastinate? Your Rough Trip through the Birth Canal is the CAUSE…

Posted on by
Reply

Is Psychology a Fad? Can a Person Really Change?

Why Bowen Systems Theory?

Reason One: Desperation

A decade after leaving graduate school and practicing psychology, I was done. I didn’t respect myself or my profession.

I’d been attracted to psychology because it was described as the “science” of human behavior.  Yet, what I saw happening in the field was far from scientific. In fact, from what I could tell, psychologists were just making up things as they went along.

The explanation of why people behave as they do was certainly faddish and wildly subjective. One year, how a person functioned was “caused” by being the “adult child of an alcoholic”, the next year behavior was caused by “enabling”, the next year “toxic parents” entered the scene. The one thing that stayed constant was an emphasis on pointing to other people and events as causing current behavior.  And, since a psychologist can not go out and “fix” these people other there…psychotherapy seemed rather pointless, beyond finding someone to empathsize.

With our “explanations” for behavior, psychologists covered all the bases.  If a client ruminated about career, the cause was “fear of failure.” Either that, or “fear of success.”  Depression and relationship problems?  Either you didn’t get enough attention from your parents or you got too much.

But when a person’s functioning was presented as “caused” by his or her trip through the birth canal—I didn’t think psychology could sink further.

I was wrong. Along came the perfect “explanation” for troubled behavior. Repressed memories. Talk about setting up psychologists with the perfect scam.  Now, no matter what your problem in living, there was an explanation…we just couldn’t tell you exactly what…since you repressed the memory.  Psychology couldn’t go lower than rebirthing ceremonies which cured all your problems in a kiddie pool. Rebirthing–like those weekend seminars when they don’t let you eat or leave the room to pee—gives people an intense feeling experience and the illusion of having changed.  Surely, psychology couldn’t go lower than this—treating intelligent adults like three-year-olds.

I was wrong again. Psychology could go lower. I had interns call me from their new jobs which included personal psychotherapy—calling to ask if I agreed with their therapists that repressed sexual abuse memories were behind their inability to get organized or finish writing a book?

The conversation was something similar to the following:

Former student: “I wanted to get your take on something. As you know, I sometimes have trouble finishing things.”

“Yes…”

“My psychologist says my behavior shows that I was sexually abused when i was a young child.”

“Okay…”

“My psychologist says that the reason I don’t remember being sexually abused is because it happened when I was an infant and hadn’t yet learned to talk.”

“Okay…”

“Also, the sexual abuse which ‘caused’ my helplessness was probably the way my older brother looked at me when I was an infant.”

“Whoa…say what?”

“I couldn’t defend myself from the sexual abuse of his lewd expression (since I was only a few months old) and that’s why I can’t succeed now.”

…I was re-thinking veterinary school when the Menninger Clinic held a series of classes on family therapy in our office. One was a presentation on Bowen Family System Theory. It was the first way of thinking about behavior that made sense and was based on solid science. I’ve spent the last twenty years studying and applying Bowen theory. So here we go.

Next, the second reason for going with Bowen Theory. The lovely spring afternoon when I had evidence a person could really change.