Tag Archives: happiness

Stress Holiday Encore: Make Money Off Your Body Scans!

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ENCORE POST:

Dateline:  (Encore) Willie’s Place, Carl’s Corner, Texas. Whole bunch of people sang here.

Setup:  I’m in hiding.  Ever since I offered my Body Scan for public consumption…the reporters, the cameras…Geraldo…

Remember John Lennon’s line, “Life is what happens when you’re making other plans?”

What a chunk of truth.  There I was, in a pretty normal life, planning more normal life….when my world was turned upside down.  You guessed it.  My Body Scan distribution company …BS,Inc… has been successful beyond my wildest dreams.

Note: What do financial success and fame have to do with the goal of this program?  Which, in case you’ve forgotten, is for each of us professed emotional weenies…to muddle toward…just a wee bit toward…improved emotional functioning. Or, simply…to not have every second of every minute of every hour of every day….decided by our emotions.  To do more in our lives than run around wasting time, spending money, falling for fad diets, worrying what other people think…comparing ourselves, our kids, our house, our car, our education, our butt size, our creative talents….

Thus, the story of my Body Scan business (BS. Inc.), is but one example of the seduction of the Pseudo Self (see previous on doughnuts and doughnut holes), one more attempt to manage anxiety by propping up my image to the world.  If you’d rather go the consumer route, the commercials during one half hour (okay, an hour and a half) of Prison Wives last night, told me a Dodge Ram means I’m confident, staying at a Holiday Inn means I can “be myself”, buying your wife diamonds or an expensive car shows you really think she’s grand… (Using money from the family budget…but, hey, it’s the thought.  The thought in this case is, “See, I love you so much I didn’t consider your input when spending this huge amount of money…”)

One way to break the hold “image making” has on us is to laugh at ourselves.  Again, if you don’t believe you have any reason to laugh because you are completley emotinally put together….well, Dr. Laura can still be found on the radio.

Back to the real BS, Inc. and whining about the demands of success.  Those of you…wiser in the world than I…who lacks even one cell of entrepreneurial expertise…probably spotted my first error in announcing my Body Scan availability. Right. Christmas.  Biggest shopping season of the year.  How could I foretell the thousands rush orders?  So many years of training in human behavior.  And, yet I hadn’t predicted the clamor when people recognized my Body Scan products as the perfect present for relatives, officemates, and military serving overseas.

And as is true with lottery winners, I found myself battling an onslaught of business opportunities.

First came the television cable channels in a bidding war for my reality show.  “Body Scans Around the World” which had great promise, but is now on hold due to artistic differences…The producer is insisting on a variety of what she calls “outfits” for the various airport venues…while I think to upgrade from black jeans and polo shirts would be a tragic error.

Next, of course, here came Hollywood.  Could I write a screenplay?  Who did I think should play me in the film?  Which ended up in another artistic dispute.  I know they think Julia Roberts is perfect, and, probably that’s true if you just go for face and body.  But, we’re talking scrutiny by Homeland Security and, right away, it’s going to be glaringly obvious that I am not as tall as Julia Roberts.  My suggestion was Heather Locklear.  The production will have to wait until some sort of Julia Roberts-Heather Locklear compromise actress can be found.

Where Hollywood goes, can Heff be far behind?  Yes, next came the plea for my Body Scan Playboy centerfold which is an obvious choice when you think about it. That offer is also on hold as I am gripped trying to decide if I can bear to have my family see my BS exposed.

To make some sense of my BS bonanza, I’ve decided the best way to go is through selling franchises.  I simply cannot keep up with the BS demand around the world on my own.  If you see the potential in your section of the world, send me your credit card number.  Franchise are, of course, FREE…just pay shipping and handling, and, if you call in the next 24 hours, you can try BS RISK FREE…all you have to do is check the box where you are a member of BS International and will have fifteen dollars deducted from your credit card account for as long as we both shall live. 

And, you know how they say…. “The sky’s the limit!”

Well, that’s not true for BS, Inc.  I’ve received a down payment and a pint of blood from a man in Quartzite, Arizona, who, thinking out of the box…well outside the trailer….He recognized my Body Scan as proof of alien inhabitation of Earth.  The silvery hue. Of course!  He wants my BS to make a personal appearance at his grand opening, but I’m afraid coverage in Quartzite will leave me over-exposed.

Reduce Stress Instantly, The Flying Lawn Chair Incident

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Stress. The Flying Lawn Chair Incident. How to Save Time Instantly.

Dateline: DFW Airport International Branch Headquarters, chair in the corner, face to the wall.

First, I’d like to apologize to those unfortunate passengers on flights with me this weekend. If you are thinking, “Maybe I was on a plane with her and I didn’t know it,” you were not. If you recall a short blond woman, her agonized face mashed into the window, who seemed determined to cough up her lungs, or heard one side of the 737 you were in crackle and thunder, just maybe you were. I’m very, very sorry.

Want to save yourself a lot of stress and lower your personal “annoying-to-others” score? It’s really not that tough. Technically. Technically, like jumping rope for five minutes a day can change your life—technically.

To save time and stress, all you have to do is pass out a little permission and decide:

Other people get to do what they do. They do not require my agreement. My opinion is not important, nor does it make any sense for me to insist on telling people what I think of what other people do. To comment takes time and it’s annoying, except to those very few godlike beings who agree with everything I think about people who aren’t like us. Okay, enough with the sermon.

The following account is true. A retired weatherman had an idea how he could make use of several weather balloons cluttering up his garage and change the face of aviation as we know it. First he tied four balloons to an aluminum and plastic weave lawn chair. Next he strapped himself in. Then he popped the launch cords on the balloons. Ten . . . nine . . . eight . . . . three . . . two . . . one . . . LIFT OFF!

Yeah, baby. We are flying now. Mostly we are tumbling end-over-end through the first ten thousand feet. “Oh, what a beautiful blue sky–whoa, there’s my house! Oh, what a beautiful blue sky–whoa, there’s Chicago!” The view went from spectacular to, well, nauseating. But the Man Who Launched His Lawn Chair (MWLLC) was having a ball. Airport radars spotted an unidentified blip on their radar screens. News syndicates were alerted. Planes were diverted. Non-believers were converted. (Sorry, like the MWLLC, I couldn’t stop myself.)

The MWLLC’s wife wrung her hands, though when reporters asked her if she was surprised at her husband’s antics, she admitted such projects on slow summer afternoons were nothing new for her husband. She also admitted the MWLLC had stopped telling her his plans since she’d taken to calling the police and asking the procedures for getting a spouse committed.

What’s the point of this tale? As you read, did any part of you think…What kind of crazy person does something like that?

To instantly reduce stress, let go and let other people have fun. Enjoy their enjoying. You’d think we’d all be savvy on this strategy, but such is not the case. At least not for me and, unless you are Dr. L from the radio who makes no wrong moves, like me, you fall into the boring trap of questioning why other people enjoy activities and possessions you do not. And, if you are like me, when you ask this question, your tone informs listeners that, unlike myself, people are crazy and not as wise as I am if they:

Get up at 2 a.m. on Black Friday. Deep fry their turkey. Don’t deep fry their turkey. Salt their food before tasting it. Buy expensive cars. Spank their kids. Don’t spank their kids. Put up an artificial tree. Spend a day finding a real tree. Watch that stupid television show. Enjoy mincemeat pie. Watch NASCAR, golf, basketball, baseball, fake-real television families, or prison shows. Try to buy love by giving expensive Christmas presents. Are too cheap to give expensive Christmas presents. Are foolish enough to take out a second mortgage to send their child to private college. Are selfish enough to refuse to take out a second mortgage to send their child to private college.

You’ve got the picture. I know. Ouch. Ouch. Guilty. Guilty. One of the elements of psychology that continuously amazes me is how hard and complicated something as simple as enjoying the moment really is.

About the promised Triple Stuffed Turkey Recipe? Next year when I can breathe like a normal person again. Coming: Unique Gifts Only You Can Give.

Those Stress Relief Advice Givers are Just Making Stuff Up

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Stress. Some of These Advice Givers are Just Making Stuff Up

Dateline: Gold’s Gym International Branch Office.  A couple of Texas basketball players train here in the summer. Makes the treadmill more fun.

Stress Relief Advice for the Holiday Season

How to steam a turkey in a mop bucket, how to make a wreath out of old toothbrushes, how to bake cookies shaped like antlers using sun power, how to spice up your cocoa with plants from your backyard…and on and on.  

Are you ready for the feature writers to pull out those well-worn ‘seasonal’ features?  How many times do we all have to stand around in the kitchen on Thanksgiving Day and wring our hands trading salmonella rumors?

To honor the relentless nonsensical suggestions we endure this time of year, I’m sharing two bits of bizarre advice to represent the group.

 Stress and Fat Free Turkey

Want to enjoy turkey on Thanksgiving, but you are afraid of the fat? (Okay, let’s be honest here. If you are tackling some weight issue or just living your life beating yourself up…if your first concern is the fat in turkey??…Just saying.) This tip is courtesy of one of the doctor shows. The recommendation: “If you want to enjoy turkey on the Big Day but don’t want the fat, substitute that tasty turkey breast and gravy, that delicious turkey leg… with a fat free (read: so dry you could use it as a sponge) ground turkey CUPCAKE. The delusional doctor actually added, “Not only is a turkey cupcake low in fat, it’s fun to eat!”

Doggie Stress at the Turkey Table 

We don’t want to leave out the pet on this family holiday. This chunk of news is taken from some guy on the Animal Channel. “Is your pet a problem at the dinner table? Does your dog beg for a taste of that lucious turkey dinner the people are enjoying?”

Now, right away, the fact this guy can ask such questions should warn you to plug your ears with hot tar. Lucky for us dog owners, he answers his own questions.  He says, (You should probably sit down for this one.) “While it may seem like what your dog wants is a bit of food, all he really wants is your attention.” (I know. I almost choked I was laughing so hard.)

The dog man continues: “When your dog begs at Thanksgiving Dinner, just slip your hand under the table and give him a pat on the head.”

Right. And bring back a bloody stub. A guest tearing out of the house for the emergency room during Thanksgiving Dinner is such a downer. It’s a downer for the foolishly injured person, too, because the wait will be long at the hospital. Lots of people ‘full of in a holiday spirit’ who forgot to use a potholder taking the turkey out of the oven. Those folks often sport broken toes and charred shins. Then there are the domestic violence cases. Men with turkey legs wedged sideways in their mouths and women who lost the sweet potates and marshmellows food fight.On Thanksgiving day you have to wait forever to see a doctor….I mean, that’s what I’ve heard.

Coming:  Recipe Exclusive!  Famous Triple Stuffed Turkey

 

 

 

 

Stress, Addiction, Humility, and the “Stolen Identity Incident”

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Stress, Addiction, and the “Stolen Identity Incident”

Dateline: San Antonio River Walk International Branch Office. One block over, on March 6, 1836, all the well-armed and well-dressed Mexicans in the world, stormed the Alamo killing everyone inside.  Newspapers in the weeks following ran stories encouraging settlers to “Come on down!” As one of those news articles in the Texas State Library says, “Texas is still a great opportunity for you and your family. The report claiming that the men in the Alamo were killed is a false rumor, propaganda sent out by politicians.”  Sigh. Things haven’t changed much.

In thinking about stress management and addiction, I realized it was time for the periodic pledge, the pledge that can eliminate loads of stress right off the top.

The pledge: I can be as big an idiot as anyone else. Even as big an idiot as the people I’m calling idiots. Whew. What a relief not to have to go through the world upset when people don’t do things the way I do, or more honestly, the way I think they should do them.

My special person and I were married in Mexico City and before you pull up lofty visions of the “destination” weddings where the couple or parents rent a hotel for a weekend and fly in two hundred of their closest friends to Paris or Tahiti, the event included the Registro Civil, the two of us, and the taxi driver as a witness.  He was a graduate student and I was a college junior though not the typical age of that group due to several spectacular detours.

In other words. We had no money. Before our big adventure,we embraced our American citizenship and took out a Mastercard. The trip was great, Acapulco, villages, historicalcities. A good time was had by all. The trouble started when we received our Mastercard bill which was a huge amount way beyond our own frugal spending.Clearly, the credit card number had been stolen and whoever took it charged everythingin sight knowing once they were caught the party was over.

Incensed, we marched down to the bank issuing the card and met with the head of the fraud department who was very sympathetic and assured us the bank would help find the culprit. All we had to do was sit down at the computer screen and review the charges marking the ones we did not make. Much relieved we set to work. Thirty minutes later we waited until the fraud director was away from her desk, then we ducked our heads and sneaked quietly to the elevator and out of there.

Repeat after me: “I can be as big an idiot…”

For those who honestly believe they are not subject to all the craziness of being human, there’s always Dr.Laura who knows all.

For me, it’s a comfort to recognize we’re all nuts.

Love and Stress in Las Vegas, A Soap Opera in Four Parts

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Dateline:  Las Vegas Hilton Branch Office and Showgirl Headquarters, no one under six foot need apply. Which is the only thing holding me back from making money on my looks and high kick skills and why I am sequestered in the furthest booth in the Grand Buffet Hall. Yep, that’s me. The be-speckled blond chick in the over-stuffed cargo shorts behind the computer and the foot-high pile of shrimp shells.

Have you ever gotten high? …because someone gave you a compliment?

Have you ever given up a dream? … because someone else thought it was a dumb idea?

Have you ever said you enjoyed an activity? …to keep someone interested?

Have you ever been unable to stop a self-destructive habit? …and paid a terrible price?

Have you ever been unable to stand up to a person you cared about caught in an addiction? …and ended up in trouble yourself?

The following story is true and related with permission of the patient, Mrs. Travis. Names and details have been changed to protect her identity.

Fusion vs. Self: When decisions are made, not out of one’s best thinking, but to save a relationship or to keep a partner happy. Fusion is natural and is part of all close relationships. The problem comes in when a person with a shaky SELF matches up with a person and goes along out of fear to stand alone. The problem comes in when a person with an equally shaky SELF uses fear and threatening behavior to convince the other not to disagree with decisions when the decisions would be obviously absurd to someone outside the relationship.

Mrs. Travis called for an appointment in January with some questions regarding dealing with her three young children when she packed them up and left their father.She explained that she still loved her husband. Their marriage had been great until two years ago when it fell apart in a hurry.

The Inciting (exciting) Incident. All Self Doubts and Anxieties Are Gone

Stress Management Goes Wrong

Two years ago, the couple had gone to a conference in Las Vegas. Mr. Travis, whose only experience with gambling had been years ago when he was stationed in Malasia with the Navy. When he thought about those free and easy days being young and single and successful in dice games, he had a rush of good feelings.

An avid fan of professional football, Mr. Travis was pleased that he could bet on teams combining his remembered good times with sports. As he was knew alot about the National Football League, he thought he knew more than your average bettors.

He made two bets and won them both. He felt the problems of parenthood, marriage and career slip away. Mr. Travis felt better than he had in a very long time.

Episode Two: All I Want Is To Feel the Way I Felt When I Was First in Love

Stress? Drive If You Dare! Mexico City Anxiety, Part One

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Stress: The Last Words of the Great Moctezuma, “Drive if You
Dare!”

What Will Happen to You if You Drive in Mexico City?

If you are focused on not hurting anyone’s feelings or avoiding shouting matches in Mexico City, let’s just say you might as well find a hotel room since you will not  be able to find your way out of the madness traffic circles. You might want to check out nearby hospitals while you’re at it.

Dateline Mexico City, Blond Chick Behind the Wheel…Talk about Anxiety

The fabulous former Dateline: Mexico City, driving where once the feet of Moctezuma approached Hernán Cortés in 1517. The leader of the Aztec people presented Cortés the gift of an Aztec calendar, one disc of crafted gold and another of
silver. Cortés—with the spirit of the invaders who define the New World to this day–had the magnificent gift melted down into blocks to be used in trade almost immediately.

Moctezuma launched several lines of revenge against future invaders including the infamous gastro-intestinal uproar. The traffic in the modern city now covering Moctezuma’s beautiful Tenochtitlan is another tactic of the great king’s revenge.  Isn’t a vacation supposed to be about escaping stress? “The IBM Commuter Pain Index, which surveyed 8,192 motorists in 20 cities on six continents, gave Mexico City and Beijing the worst score.”

So, what does Bowen theory have to do with driving in Mexico City?

How about this?  If you are not familiar with exactly where the drivers around you stand on the issue of “group think vs. thinking as an individual” you just might die.  And you just might take others down with you.

Dr. Bowen describes two forces continually influencing behavior.  The first is togetherness and the second is individuality.  Both are natural forces which do not cause difficulties until either force is being driven by anxiety so that behavior becomes destructive.  Too much togetherness creates fusion and prevents individuality, or developing one’s own sense of self.  Too much individuality creates social and relationship problems. For example, some individuals “opt out” of paying their income tax in the name of standing up for themselves.  Paying taxes for the services used then falls more heavily on the others in the group.

There are television commercials advertising law services to settle with the IRS.  At the end of the ad, cheery couples declare, “We owed the IRS over $100,000, and we only paid $15,000!   We owed $45,000, and we didn’t have to pay a cent!”  Are we supposed to feel good about these results?  Who do they think has to make up the difference?

Okay, now an example of when the force for togetherness can cause a problem.  A flight was very late leaving Las Vegas for DFW.  The agents made the following announcement: “As this flight is late and because most of you have connections at DFW, we are going to board the plane in the most efficient way possible. Therefore, if you have a window seat, and only if you have a window seat, line up at the door to board first.  All other passengers please wait as this process will cut down on delay waiting in the aisle as people store their carry-ons and take their seats.”

Simple, right? Everyone wants to board quickly as possible, right?

Maybe if we humans didn’t make pretty much all of our decisions with our emotions.  Anytime a change is suggested that either increases or decreases the togetherness in the relationship anxiety is triggered.  Remember the powerful role the force for togetherness in the deaths of three people who sacrificed their individuality by turning their thinking over to someone else.  In the boarding the plane scenario, fusion didn’t kill anyone, but most of us did miss our connections because the couples on the flight just couldn’t handle it. Boarding as suggested required that passengers go on board “individually.”

Instead of smoothly moving with the plan, couples clumped at the exit door saying, “But we’re travelling together.”  “We’re married.” All sorts of resistance popped up taking agent time to “counsel” the couples who didn’t want their togetherness shifted in the slightest.

Oh, I know what you’re thinking.  How did we “elite level” passengers react when informed we would not be able to board first?  Much indignation was thrown around.  There was hair-pulling.  There were demands for exceptions. Doesn’t American Airlines realize that we have a very fragile self?  I, personally had no problem with the plan, but then I’m a cool traveler, everyone knows that.  (My seat? Window on row nine.)  Coming: Part Two.

 

Anxiety, Stress, and All the Fascinating Little Drinkies, Part 2

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Anxiety, Stress, and All the Pretty Little Drinkies, Part 2

Anxiety and Thinking for Yourself

Do you think for yourself?   Are do you just think you think for yourself—and what you’re really doing is “what feels good at the moment” and expecting someone else to “lump” the consequences?  Remember our goal: To have more of our decisions, actions, and internal dialogue, more determined by our best thinking and less determined by emotional pressure from others or emotional pressures (fears and anxieties) coming from within our own minds.   A little thing called Differentiation of Self.

The “I Want It Now” feeling is one way we can know that our emotion system and not our “best thinking” is guiding our decision.  Another give-a-way is when we refuse to acknowledge the long-term downside of our actions. (Think full- body tattoos.)  The refusal to measure potential gain against potential loss keeps prisons over-occupied.  The same sort of refusal to accept the cost, also accounts for the series of broken bones I suffered on the series of show horses sucking up my time and money for years.

Teaching Your Teens to Avoid Stress

Here’s a bonus idea for teaching the “thinking for self” and “weighing the potential long-term downside” lessons to your teenagers. National Geographic has a new show, “Lockup Abroad,” (or is it “Lock Up A Broad”?) documenting otherwise straight-arrow people who “get talked into” carrying drugs on their body going through customs in foreign countries. Yeah, I know. The show demonstrates well what can happen with just one tiny bad decision.  And, yes, the misguided drug carriers are surrounded by persuasive people authoritatively pushing them to carry drugs, assuring them that “There’s nothing to it. It’s perfectly safe.”  Think James Arthur Ray giving his promise of “harmonic wealth in every area of your life.”

Anxiety Over the Border

All the Pretty Little Drinkies is the tale of a lazy Mexico afternoon when two teens who hadn’t learned the lessons of “Lockup Abroad.” Many bad decisions were made that lovely afternoon at the fabulous Mocambo Hotel (built in 1932, once the hide-a-way of Hollywood types) on the beach in Vera Cruz, Mexico. My brother and I, both young teens, had been at the hotel for several days with my father. During the afternoons, while Dad honored the siesta tradition, my brother and I lounged around the pool cooling off periodically in the water topped with fresh hibiscus blossoms tossed in every morning. There were iguanas. There were accommodating waiters. There were Galiceno horses, said to be the first breeds of horses arriving in the Americas with Cortes when he invaded Mexico from Cuba in 1519.

There was a drink menu with pictures of exotic mixtures of fruits and alcohols, each in differently shaped sophisticated glasses. Of course, we were going to order just one each, just to test the flavor and see the colors. Then, as is often the case when emotions are rolling, we decided to check out every refreshment that looked exciting. Key to our decision was the waiter’s lack of concern about our ages coupled with our unfounded belief that, since we’d been at the Mocambo awhile, when Dad was handed the bill for the hotel stay, our little afternoon research project would go unnoticed.

Ah, the stories we tell ourselves when we want what we want. As is so often true when we behave without fully considering the possibilities, the end result was less than perfect. My brother and I were waiting in the lobby as we readied to head for Mexico City when we heard a ruckus going on up at the front desk. Oh, yes. My father was stressed out and face-to-face with first the clerk and then the manager insisting the bar bill was not his. Oops. Bro and I slunk up behind him carefully and suggested that just maybe the charges were correct.

Next.  Thinking for yourself driving in Mexico City.