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Stress, Togetherness and the “Short Wife, ‘Helpful’ Husband Incident”

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Stress, Being a Self, and the “Short Wife and the ‘Helpful’ Husband Incident”

Relationship Addiction and Anxiety

Dateline: Buying a ticket on American Flight 433 DFW to Mexico City. Yes, I know. I received all your admonitions that I shouldn’t go. See below for explanation.

Calming Your Anxiety by Doing Whatever You Have to Do to Calm the Other Person, a Teeny Bit More on fusion.

Understanding and being able to “feel” the emotional processes of the togetherness force and the individuality force–and working toward balance is only likely to be the most important work of your life. When the togetherness force is unquestionably allowed to run your life, you could end up living someone else’s life.  If you respond to anxiety with an allergy to others, you could end up disconnected from important systems.

The Short Wife and the Helpful Husband Incident:  A couple was settling in on huge passenger jet bound from DFW to Madrid.  Both are almost giddy with excitement and looking forward to the adventure.  The husband was quickly placing items into overhead storage space.  The wife had her feet settled on her make-up case.  Here is their conversation:

Husband: “Hand me your make-up bag.”

Wife: “Why?”

Husband:  “I need to but it up here in the storage bin.”

Wife:  “No, I like it here.  I can rest my feet.”

Husband:  “Come on. Give it to me now before all the space is taken up.”

Wife: “But–”

Husband:  “I know you.  A couple of hours from now, you’re going to want to put it up here later and it will be too late.”

Wife: “But, I don’t want to put it up there.”

Husband:  “Why do you have to be like this?  You are so stubborn. (?) Are you going to be this difficult on the whole trip?” Husband flings his body into the seat and orders a bloody Mary, double.

Wife:  “I shouldn’t have let you talk me into this trip in the first place. I don’t even feel like going anymore.”  Wife puts the book she was looking forward reading into the seat pocket and slaps the airline crossword down on her tray.

Note, the plane has not yet taken off.  Lucky for them, the other passengers were distracted by some blond chick in the back going on and on and on, whining because American Airlines switched from miniature packs of peanuts to miniature packs of pretzels.  Sheesh.  Some people!

The

The willingness and capacity to manage emotional reactivity.  Can you stay calm and upbeat discussing politics with someone on the other side of issues?  Are you able to be calm around your family? Are you able to maintain closeness in relationships even when others (family members, friends) persist in decisions with which you don’t agree? What happens when a driver pulls out in front of you? When your in-laws make suggestions?  What happens when you have to wait? And wait some more?

Also the ability to be part of a group and to be separate is characterized by: A willingness to stand alone and assume responsibility for one’s own life. Are you able to state what you believe and make decisions using your “best thinking” when others do not agree?  Are you able to do this without being defensive or trying to talk the other into changing their position? What happens to your anxiety level when someone you care about is displeased with you? Have you ever distanced from friends or family members because you didn’t agree with the way they spend money?  Raised their children?  Voted?  Practiced or didn’t practice religion?  Kept house?  Have you ever distanced because you don’t like the way you “feel” around family?  Have you given up challenging yourself to get a little better at managing your anxiety or have you decided your anxiety is other people’s responsibility? Have you decided, Aunt Mary is “impossible”?  Uncle Dave is “mean”?  Sister Sue is a “wacko”?  Or, do you express your inability to manage anxiety by saying, “Maybe when so-and-so apologizes to me.”

Hey, now.  No self-criticism allowed. Remember, the force for togetherness, like the force for individuality, is rooted deep in our biological makeup.  At least that’s the story I’m sticking with.  Gives me a lot more people to blame my behavior on.  …Hmmmmm…..I don’t know how they expect a person to open these teeny packages of pretzels. Grrr!  Oops.  Great.  Now I don’t even have the lousy pretzels since they are all over the couple behind me.

Next: “Too Much Togetherness Force Can Get You Killed in Mexico City”

Leonardo DiCaprio, Inception, and the “Lady Who Loved Freud Incident”

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Dateline: Home Office, Austin, Texas. Crazy Dog and Sammy Davis, Jr. in charge.

The young psychology student came to me with a question. “Do you, as an experienced psychologist, think there is any value in reading the works of Sigmund Freud?”   I said, I thought so, but I can be entertained reading the back of a juice box, so I wouldn’t take my word as the final say.

She explained her reason for asking.  She’d been on a plane to New York reading her first real text on personality development which happened to focus on the theories of Sigmund Freud. The subject matter and new ideas had her excited about her chosen field of study.  As the plane taxied into the JFK terminal, her seatmate, whom we shall call Killjoy, asked her what she’d been reading. 

The Lady Who Loved Freud spilled forth with enthusiasm, sharing a couple of highlights.  Her seatmate, a Gentleman’s Quarterly dressed fellow (Why is the culprit messing with our world…always dressed better than we are?)…the sophisticated appearing man said, “Well, I guess some non-scientific people still read that kind of fluff.”

The Lady Who “Maybe” Loved Freud said to me, “I’m asking you because his remark took the edge off my mood. I started thinking maybe I’m not intellectual enough to ever be a psychologist.”

Whoa. 

The movie Inception is about a team of experts who can access your subconscious using secret sedatives and gadget machines.  Once into your subconscious, the team can “steal” your thoughts. The services of the “thought stealers” are bought by corporations who want to get a jump on impending company decisions and make a killing.

The thought stealing process is difficult for DiCaprio and his team to perform, but there is an even higher level of service offered.  This service is more complex and trickier and involves “planting” an idea or thought.  The thought plant technique used is a way to win the corporate wars.

As is said several times in the movie, once an idea is planted it multiples on its own in the brain.  “The idea grows and grows until it defines you or destroys you.” (Best guess at exact words.)

What I kept asking myself throughout the movie was, “Why are these guys going to all this trouble when planting an idea that grows and grows and changes behavior is really quite simple?”

This is not a movie review.  Just one freakish dame in cargo shorts sitting on the second row…thinking.

Remember the folks who built shelters and bought stockpiles of food to survive the turn of the millennium?  And what about the Heaven’s Gate followers who consented to castration and suicide as a way to meet up with the mother ship?  And Hitler?  Who hasn’t wondered how it was possible to convince Nazi underlings to load humans into freight train cars and worse?

The “Inception” technique was nowhere around.

Let’s go closer to home.  The girl who ends up battling anorexia switches to a food denial and compulsive exercise after a Saturday night when she and her friends are loading into a car and she is told to sit in front since she’s not “small.”  What about those careless words your special person said during an argument years ago, the cutting remarks you bring back to torture yourself when you’re down?  What about a criticism that remains with you as a secret fear….What if I am selfish like Mother said?

Sometimes an upset stranger in a passing car can do the trick.  Or, we can come up with thoughts, all by ourselves, that grow like bacteria.  What about the idea that “I not happy now, but when I lose the weight I’ll be happy….I’d love to write a memoir, but I’m not smart enough…I’d love to travel, but it’s too expensive for someone like me….”    

Maybe we step on the scales…or run into a friend who looks so much better than we do…or overhear an invitation to lunch when we haven’t been invited…or speak with a friend whose kids are incredibly successful…

And, thus, Mysteryshrink.com is about how to possibly make a dent in managing our emotions, thoughts, and actions…a little better…not collosal better like Budha or women who look good in shorts and cowboy boots….just a tiny bit better.  I’m in.

 

Breathe In, Breathe Out, One Foot in Front of the Other

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Have you ever wanted to stop time?  Know the future?   Accomplish a complex goal quickly? 

One night a few years ago, I woke up at three a.m., my head whirling with all that I needed to accomplish and all the questions I had about the future.  If I could just know NOW what was around the next corner.  Then I would know how to invest my time and energy. The not knowing was making me (I was making me) crazy and sleepless.

I went into my home office and slipped a book off the shelf, “The Snow Leopard.”  At the moment, I’m in my Dallas International World Headquarters Hilton and thus cannot quote exactly, but the pages opened to a scene in which the narrator was doubting whether or not he could finish his trek into the Himalayas…when a grasshopper in his path spoke to him. ( Remember, not a quote…been years… the important part is the message.)

The narrator asked the grasshopper how he could so bravely bounce up into the air and come down again on the path when the slightest wrong tilt or gust of wind and he’d be in flight for two miles straight down. The grasshopper answered something like this. “What choice do I have or does anyone really have?  I go foward, one step at a time with all my spirit.  What happens, happens.  It’s my path to go one step at a time.”

I was reminded that no matter how we try, this is our job.  To put one foot in front of the other with courage. 

One foot in front of the other, not skittering off the path in fear of what might happen, not taking side paths out of fear, and somehow, some way bringing something to the human struggle.

My goal is to bring  a smile now and then. Two guys are talking.

First Guy: “I saw a clown one street over.”

Second Guy: “Was it a clown, or just someone dressed up like a clown?”

Mexico…

You Are What You Think? Oh, No! I’m an Eggplant.

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If you are what you think…then I am an unemployed wannabe writer with a bleak panhandling career look forward to.

The world you make up in your head, and respond to, is More Real and has more Affect on your life than the factual one. Right?

Following this line of “reasoning,”I’m sad to report that I no longer a writer. No book coming out this summer. No big party. You see, this morning at Jim’s Restaurant (My local international world headquarters) I lost the little case in which I store my flash drives. Yep. All three manuscripts…somewhere out there amongst my friends, the coffee shop people.  Might as well have just emailed the manuscripts to a random guy on the internet who wanted to make a few bucks pirating stories. You are following?…I lost ALL my years of hard work in one quick swoop.

“I’m done,” I tell the spouse. “There’s no point in writing,” I continue, “if I’m too much of a mess to even keep up with my manuscripts.” “I can’t believe I’m such a loser–in more ways than one.”

The little mean replica in my head is saying, “You bet you screwed up. Your career is officially over!”

My spouse, daredevil that he is, tried to suggest that, just maybe, whoever found the drives  wouldn’t immediately open the content and think, “Wow! I’ve hit a gold mine! I’m going to publish these wonderful books and have all the benefits of a writer without a lick of work because I–being the luckiest person in the world–have stumbled across what is Obviously my personal winning lottery ticket!” This had to be said rather delicately.

I was in a tough spot. I either had to keep insisting that my words were unbelivale treasures which made me look grandiose or accept that maybe the finder wouldn’t immediately think dollar signs–which means my words aren’t the next Moby Dick. I settled for skipping that issue and claiming, either way, I’m too big an idiot to carry this author thing off.  Which he, of course, refuted…(But who can trust him? He said I’d look great in a string bikini.)…suggesting that just maybe–since my editors and publishers hadn’t burned what I’d written, I’d already proven myself as a writer…and, just maybe…someone else having a copy would amount to nothing since there are edited copies all over the states.

Fine. He didn’t get it…word theives were hanging around me all the time, mixing with the paparazi. I climbed in my car heading back to my base station. I didn’t allow myself to listen to comedy radio.

I found the flash drive dealie on my desk.  I wonder if I can get my job back?  

Do You Have Your Hands on the Steering Wheel of Your Life?

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Imagine in your head there is a steering wheel directing your life.  Your emotional Guidance System is one pair of hands trying to steer you.  That pair of hands is telling you what?  “Just get out this anxiety, don’t think of the future costs! Do whatever you have to do to get rid of anxiety now. The other set of hands, your Thinking Guidance System, has wider choices–but who has the strength to listen?

More needs to be said clarifying how the Emotional Guidance System (if this is new, go back a few posts) sneaks aboard, takes charge of our functioning, and keeps our life a mess. Now, some people mistake this statement as saying “emotions are bad.” Of course not. Feelings are some of the juiciest elements of life. Memories are made up of feelings. Sometimes our emotions give us motivation. Feelings make watching a basketball game fun. Unless our feelings “carry us away,” we get into a shouting match and end up in jail.

Feelings of love are wonderful, too. Unless, chasing “in love” feelings results in making our “special other” responsible for the way we feel. (“If you loved me you would ___”) Unless, slave to our “in love” feelings we end up not having much of a life. Unless our “love” cripples someone else’s functioning. Unless what we’re calling love- is neediness. “When is it Love and when is it Neediness?” is an upcoming entry.

Absurdity Break: What’s happened to reality? The National Geographic Channel is showing some explorer types deep in Africa. Makes sense. Except the narrator is doing voice over for the ”video” showing himself and his female companion on the trip. He now has dirt on his face and a wild look. The lady is stumbling, sure to not make it. Then the native helpers turn on them, one threating with a knife. The guy is saying how “it could be all over for them,” rushes to help the gal. There’s not enough food. The guy and the gal all alone in the jungle don’t know if… they will survive!… I’m so confused. Why doesn’t one of them ask one of the dozen camera men (maybe the one doing the zoom shots from overhead or the one doing closeups) or one the men on the lighting and costume truck FOR SOME HELP? The caterer’s maybe? Reality’s done this weird thing. Reality is staged. Reality is not reality. And this is the National Geographic Channel.

Back to emotions. There are four factors contributing to the likelihood that your Emotional Guidance System will be in charge of your actions.

1) Your physical functioning.

2) The events in your life, including history.

3) Your basic leveling of functioning.

4) The Emotional System of which you are a part.

Before we go on to the Thinking Guidance System, we need to get familiar with how these factors affect our actions.

Just One Little Spark

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  We make psychology sound way too hard and try to accomplish too much.  At least that’s what I think after all these years in practice.  Of course, there’s always the chance I’m just not very good at my profession.

If we could figure out a way to do teach people how to manage this one little change that goes on inside our heads . . . We would accomplish something worthwhile.  We can do long division in our head, it makes no sense that this one little thing is so hard without random help from outside ourselves. 

. . . It’s a dreary day, it seems like there’s too much to do   and as if time is dragging at the same time. . . You have no energy and you’re pretty sure there’s something wrong with your foot. There’s that cold virus going around, too.  That’s it. You’re probably getting sick, which is why you have the pain behind your forehead.  Not severe enough to lie down, but some caffiene stoked Excedrin is definitely in order. ”Maybe I’m depressed . . .” you’re thinking.  You reach in the fridge, pick up a lite yougart and check the calories.  “Yes! This new kind has 80 calories instead of 100 calories in your old brand just like they said in the ad!”  And you think this realization is A REAL THING. A difference worth chasing.  You have lost the will for a quality life.

Then the phone rings.  Good news!  A friend’s coming to visit, you won a fifty-dollar gift certificate,  or, who knows . . . a piece of the lottery. 

And now, you’re queen of the energy universe!  You have your EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM working for you. You know it’s the same dreary day . . . but wait a minute . . . No it’s not the same old day. Plans, plans, plans. Can’t take Excedrin or I’ll shoot through the roof.  Who cares about all those smarmy chores? You’ll do them later.  Better yet, you’ll do them now!

If managing this little perk up was easy–this country wouldn’t have a drug problem and I’m sure fewer people would end up ordering commemorative coins in the middle of the night.

My advice?  MUSIC.  At least that’s what I’m saying up front.  The truth?  I’ll have to get to know you better.

Why no comments?  Because I have met the devil and his name is SPAM.

Feelings and A Confession

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  I’ve been asked to slow down a bit.  Thus–on the subject of FEELINGS. 

You know, those up and down generators and takers-away of energy—those internal operations that mess us up, slow us down, and waste our lives on a regular basis.  Now, I’m not talking about that oozy feeling you get watching a puppy play or the delight at good news.  I’m talking about what happens to your energy when your FEELINGS are hurt, muted, when you’re bored, unmotivated, and anxious.

Think of these feelings as nothing but NOISE.    BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!

NOISE.  Reactions designed to keep us from getting eaten from tigers.  Reactions which have gone out of control and KEEP OUR LIVES LESS than they could be. 

When these feelings are in charge we are OVER-FOCUSED on what OTHER PEOPLE are doing and saying or what we think they are doing, saying, and THINKING.

Noise: “I can’t write a short story or novel because real writers will think I’m ridiculous.  I can’t wear a bathing suit in public until others think I look okay, which will be never, so swimming is out.  I’d like to go back to school, but what if I don’t do well?    What if I start writing a novel and never finish?  What if join a dance club to learn salsa and no one asks me to dance?  What if I join a gym and I’m the only one dressed stupidly and who doesn’t know how to use the machines?  I’d like to learn the guitar, but what if I never do anything but sing to myself?”

So, let’s assume ALL THE OTHER PEOPLE IN THE WHOLE WORLD are not doing, saying, or even thinking about you.  What do you do now?  All those doors just come flipping open.   

Confession: The first time I went to a writers’ conference, I didn’t attend a single session.  I was sure I was the only one there without the talent and skills to write a bestseller.  The best I could do was walk down the hall past where the meeting was being held.  Last year I sold a book .