A while back, I wrote a book on stress which resulted in myself and my spouse booked into separate speaking engagements five days a week in five different cities. I was in charge of travel arrangements, etc. (There is the rumor that I grabbed this position at birth, leaping out of my mother’s belly to complain about the temperature. But those are  rumors.)  This particular morning, the spouse was driving and I was rattling off his literary.

His  Monday keynote was in Brownsville which is the southernmost tip of Texas, his Tuesday was in Kerrville, ninty miles south and west of Austin, from there the week bounced all over the nation.  But we didn’t get to Tuesday before I began with  get resistence from the troops. 

I’d announced the following:  “Drive to Austin airport Sunday afternoon…fly to Brownsville (two hour flight, counting switch in Houston)… fly Brownsville to Austin, pick up car and drive to Kerrville… and…and…

“But wait!” comes from the driver.  “That all sounds efficient and I really appreciate your efforts, but I think I’ll get up Sunday morning and drive to Brownsville.”

I did mention that Brownsville is that little bump of Texas, waaaay down at the very bottom…I recovered from being stunned at having my plan questioned and replied sweetly, “Are you nuts?”

I went on to elaborate on the geography of the state, in case he hadn’t noticed, finishing up rather nicely reminding him how tired I knew he would be on Monday after speaking in Brownsville, and how he couldn’t possibly want to face that drive from Brownsville to Kerrville.  I threw in how I’d grown up in South Texas and he was from Oklahoma–as if this fact made my map skills more accurate.

He persisted.  “I know it’s a long drive back and forth, but I have the new car with all the gadgets and a great sound system. I think I’d enjoy settling for the drive and playing some music I’ve put together.”

“What?”   I repeated the geography lesson on Texas and reminded him that I am much better at determining what will make him tired than he is. I ran by a little scenario involving running out of gas coupled with the lack of good places to eat in the Austin-Brownsville corridor.  He mentioned his favorite Mexican restaurant in San Antonio, his capacity to read the gas gauge, and did he mention, HE WANTED to drive to Brownsville?

Having been married a while, I stuck with it a few more rounds. (Marriage means believing that the only reason your spouse hasn’t agreed with your position is that you have not repeated in enough times.)

Then he said.  “Look.  I know YOU wouldn’t want to drive back and forth from Brownsville.  But we are NOT the SAME PERSON.

Here’s the thing.  I actually knew we weren’t the same person, that his tastes and preferences were different from mine.  It just hadn’t occurred to me that his tastes and preferences were on equal footing with mine.  After all, I work  pretty hard on getting everything right.  The notion that, not only did he have an opinion, but he had a right to his opinion…(If this is too much, remember you can always follow Dr. L on the radio, a woman who has never had a thought or statement she needed to take back.) 

Now, this was quite a bit back, and since I’ve done a little better at letting other people be themselves. 

This is a huge stress relieving strategy.   Not only give others your permission to go on being themselves. Recognize that they have a right to be how they are , as long as no one is harmed. 

That means the Obsessed Stranger Lady gets to keep on hounding laptop openers, that guy in front of you in traffic gets to keep putting those decals on his car, the people next door can leave their Christmas lights up, Taco Bell can advertise late night specials as “the fourth meal America’s been needing”,  Dr. L has my permission to blame every husband’s infidelity of his wife’s whining, Nancy Grace can keep the helmet hair, your co-worker has your full and gracious permission to vote the way she does, your siblings have your permission to choose their lives according to their own distorted (oops!), their own views and determination of the best way for them.

This means you’re going to have a lot of free time on your hands.