The answer is, “Of course you are. We all are.”   The question is only a matter of degree.  But to what degree you are being “Gaslighted” depends on many factors and is incredibly important. We’ll start with family.

“Gaslighting,” taken from the movie by that name, refers to one person convincing another that something is true about them, which isn’t true.  In the movie, a husband convinces his new bride that she is losing her mind in order to have control of her fortune.  I’m quite convinced that certain demented dogs are capable of “Gaslighting” their owners which I am writing about this away from my home computer.  Crazy Dog has been staring over my shoulder like a starving child watching Krispy Kreme doughnuts sugared up by one of those amazing glazing machines.

You are being “Gaslighted” just as I am, everyday, as other people–especially those who love us and fear for us–try to convince us that WE ARE WHO THEY THINK WE ARE.

We are “Gaslighting” others, everyday, as we convince others–especially those we love–that they are WHO WE THINK THEY ARE.

This is huge. Too huge for just one day. “Gaslighting” doesn’t happen because other people are evil or don’t love us. I had a brief former life as a teenage wife, an effort to grow up that was a smashing, and luckily for both of us, a matter of only months. I’ve been asked many times, “How did you know to get out?”  “Why didn’t you end up spending years trying to make the relationship work?”

My answer: The young man I was married to had a view of me, and what I was capable of accomplishing, that was very different from the picture of me my father had. I was lucky. Had I been raised by a parent who saw me as weak and incapable, who knows? 

So the first place we’re “Gaslighted” is in the family growing up.   Note: Mysteryshrink is not a parent-blamer. Each of us comes by who we are through a natural process. The idea that one generation can look back at another and “blame” their problems on the generation before is simply ridiculous. Do you think our generation is the first to run this scam? Do you honestly believe your parents represented a new species of disturbance that hasn’t been seen before?”  (See, The Triplicate Myth.) Still, it is in the family that “Gaslighting” takes root, not because a parent or sibling wants us to turn out a certain way… but because parents and siblings react automatically to fit our behavior with expectations… and then mold their expectations to direct our new behaviors.

Whew. Think of it like this. In doing family work, clients are always quick to point out how different they are from their siblings. But, how much of that came with the package into the world, and to what degree are those differences playing out expectations?  Think of a family like a car.  If the car already has an accelerator when you are born into it, you will take up another role.  “She’s the one who’ll make a great mother.” “She’ll be the career woman in the family.”  “She’ll always be in trouble.”  “He’ll be the rebel.”  “He’ll end up in jail.”

Here’s where we get back to the importance of “degree.”  How much room was there for you to wriggle around and become someone different from expectations?  Will I one day be able to go to sleep without locating all seven of Crazy Dog’s squeaky toys and lining them up on the bed as she expects?