Anger and Fusion

Posted on August 3, 2009 by mysteryshrink

Fusion: the naturally occuring process when what goes on emotionally inside one person is influenced by what is going on inside another person.

Let’s take what happens when one person is angry toward another person. Fusion is the automatic transfer of anger and upset. The degree to which this occurs depends on several elements. One element is how important the angry person is to be person on the receiving end.

Which leads me to report a minor victory in this project of becoming a person able to function according to my own BEST THINKING, instead of having my functioning TOTALLY DETERMINED by WHATEVER EMOTIONAL CHARGE is pinging my way.

Now this is a minor victory, but, for me, it’s a start. Have you ever pulled out on a busy street, in what you thought was plenty of time, only to see, looming in your rear view mirror as you accelerate….a young man in a baseball cap driving a pickup truck jacked up like a rabbit caught in mid-scare on seeing a snake….and the guy in the cap is shooting you the bird?

Usually, that sneering face and flicking finger stirs something in me. Maybe something defensive and angry, like a comment or a hot face. Sometimes I blame myself and WHAT’S GOING ON INSIDE me is a guilty, a wanna-slink-away sinking feeling.

Here’s the thing. I got the sneer and the bird twice yesterday and I didn’t FEEL anything. I only noticed… that I didn’t notice. It was as if their opinions of my behavior didn’t matter anymore. …Because their opinions didn’t matter anymore. I realized my EMOTIONAL Guidance System was a little less in charge. That my THINKING Guidance System’s statement that… the opinion of random strangers did not need my attention… was running the show.

One small step ahead for my Thinking System and emotional freedom…. maybe not real good news for the driving public.

Only One of Us Can Be Right, Right?

Posted on June 21, 2009 by mysteryshrink

The Air Conditioning Controversy that Ended True Love

Our Emotional Guidance System is designed to rid us of anxiety. Differences of opinion often, maybe even usually, generate anxiety. Thus our Emotional Guidance Systemwill do whatever is necessary to obliterate differences of opinion. The simplest method of disposing with differences of opinion is to insist on DUALISTIC thinking. That is….Either I am right and you are wrong or….You are right and…naah…that’s unthinkable.

A woman was dating a fellow she really liked and he seemingly felt the same. As they were leaving her house for their fifth date,

The lady paused and said, “Wait. I need to go back and turn up the air-conditioning.”

He said, “How high do you turn your air-conditioner up?”

She said, “I put it on eighty degrees.”

He said, “Eighty? Really? I’ve heard that it’s actually harder on the system to turn it up that far, that it costs more to re-cool the house when you return, than if you’d just left the temperature down.”

She said, “That makes no sense at all.”

He said, “Well, actually, what I read was… etc.”

She said, “Ridiculous. Do you believe everything you read?”

He said, “Ha. Where are you getting your information?”

The rest isn’t hard to imagine. The relationship ended without a fifth date. Challenge: To promote the development of the Thinking Guidance System, find at least one sticky situation today in which someone holds a different opinion, and allow the difference to ‘be’. Strategy: Have a freeing phrase handy such as, “That’s what makes for horseraces.” Or, “That’s one of the things I like about working here, we’re not all alike on every issue.” Or, “I guess none of us knows what we would really do if we were in someone else’s situation.”

Sometimes it helps to remember that each person has a right to their opinon. I know, I don’t really buy it, either. Secretly I believe that the only reason my spouse does not agree with me on absolutely everything is simply that I have not repeated myself often enough. That one day, I’ll say, “You know, if you’d didn’t feed Crazy Dog from your plate, she’d be a more pleasant dinner companion.” And, he’ll say, “Wow, you’re right. I can’t believe I’ve been so thick-headed all these many years….Got any other ideas on how I can improve my life?”

No Money and Too Much Food

Posted on March 11, 2009 by mysteryshrink

These are hard times to work on becoming a bit more emotionally mature. Worrying about the economy and worrying about the size of our behinds at the same time–this is not easy. There’s only so much time in a day.

“Life isn’t worth living if you don’t take it seriously. Life isn’t worth living if you only take it seriously.” So here we are, stuck worrying about not taking in enough money and taking in too much food. Somebody’s got to start laughing. I nominate you. If an ADDICTION is anything we can’t stop doing, even when it’s become self-destructive…WORRYING fits the bill. Downward changes in the economy and upward changes in the average weight of a teenager–are facts. And it’s a fact we NEED to WORRY, right? It’s our duty as Americans to worry about the economy. It’s our duty as women to be worried about what we eat.

The EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM says, “We have to worry. We have to worry all the time because… if we are not deadly seriously fretting about these facts every second of everyday, the bad money news and the fat cells will sneak up on us… and wham! We’ll wake up tomorrow weighing four hundred pounds and living under a bridge!

The EGS is the inventor of the phrase DEADLY SERIOUS. . . .DEADLY.

The THINKING GUIDANCE SYSTEM says, “If there’s something you can do about it, and you want to do that something (get a second job, lose weight)…then do it. If there isn’t anything you can do, or you choose not to do anything at this time…get off it.” Grin. Play. You might get a response that you’re not taking the situation seriously enough. Which means . . . heh. . . .heh . . . it’s working.

Don’t miss the misadventures and eavesdropping of MysteryShrink : http://twitter.com/mysteryshrink

Double Standard? Me?

Posted on March 4, 2009 by mysteryshrink

I believe I am just as big of a pain to others as they may seem to me. I recognize the natural double standard that we humans operate from in our lives. My brain is in my body with the job of keeping me alive and no one else’s brain has that job.

In the quest to stay alive, I over-react all the time. It’s a brain thing. My EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM telling me I’m in danger, when I’m not. Telling me I have to be right and other people have to be wrong for me to not feel threatened. Telling me other people don’t try as hard as I do to make life work.

I believe I am just as hard to live with as my husband is to live with, that I cause as many anxieties for my sister and brother as they might for me. I recognize that sometimes I’m the goof in the wrong line at the grocery store, I lose count of whose turn it is at a four-way stop. And, yes, I am the devil’s own: I was in a hurry on the way to the airport and rear-ended someone while I was talking on my cell phone. believe I am someone’s nightmare as often as I complain about someone else. If you think you don’t have a double standard, you’re really sunk, but hang on to that notion and turn on that radio (see “Miss Lake Superior.”):

All of this is to point out something I was thinking about yesterday. When I get into an emotional tennis match and say things I don’t mean–with me it’s usually a statement that I will stop doing things I enjoy but don’t come with a lots of ego-massage, or a statement that I’m going to break off communication with someone. I’m not really going to give up writing mysteries or any important relationship. My husband knows that. He knows not to take these EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM threats as real.

Here’s where the double standard comes in. Let’s say we are into a downward emotionally guided spiral and he counters my proclamations with his own EMOTIONAL SYSTEMS statements. . . . Well, I NEVER forget what he says at that moment. This conversation isn’t going to end until he torturously takes back everything he said. I’ve got the lower lip out until he convinces me that he’s not going to follow through on his threats to cut off activities he enjoys or cut off from an important person. All the while, I expect him to let what I said go, because after all he KNOWS I don’t mean it.

The double standard is: When I say stupid things in emotional moments, other people are supposed to understand and just let them go. When other people do the same thing . . .

…. And, Mexico? That was like me having a triple standard…

The OctaMom, the Colon Cleanse . . . Hello Reality . . .

Posted on February 20, 2009 by mysteryshrink

Eight babies. No papa, no job, no brains at all. Talk about your EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM running the show. Talk about ignoring the FACTS.

There is a morning after. There is a statement coming in the mail.

My first (but not last) run in with the administration when I was editor of my high school paper happened when I was called in (undeservedly) after an editorial searing a mandatory assembly organized and presented by a national credit organization. The theme was “learning how to manage your credit to your advantage.”

FOLKS: CREDIT is not “THING.” It’s not a thing that you can “manage” like you can house train a dog and your life will go better. CREDIT is just a way to GET MORE of your MONEY. No one’s trying to help you. . . As you’ve probably guessed. My editorial read pretty similarly to the previous statements.

Did I mention we were 17 years old? I admit, that since I was usually able to talk my way out of assemblies, and yet forced to attend this one . . . I did lean from the outset toward an unfavorable review.

Still. The assembly was my first face-to-face with organizations recommending the ignoring of facts . . . accompanied, of course, by mandatory shots of incredibly attractive, carefree couples cavorting in beach resorts, bronze men behind the wheels of giant boats, and families moving into two-story houses with lots of neighbors bringing cakes cheering them on.

Other Helpful Facts: You cannot lose MORE weight by adding Slim Shots, Hydroxycut, Hydroxycut Plus Formula 9, Hydroxycut Super With crushed moon dust. You cannot save money by borrowing more money. You are not what you drive. There’s not much difference in shampoos, soaps, and cosmetics. The AbRocket doesn’t work without the handy accompanying “food plan.”

An insurance company sending you a brochure for FREE is not a gift, nor is a mattress company sending you a twenty minute DVD sales pitch a sign of good will.

There comes a time in a man’s life when he’s really not so desperate to ignore the facts of life that he will take a pill which just might result in a four hour erection. Or result in having to go into an emergency room to explain his painful dilemma. Which brings us back to the opening statement. Talk about your EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM running the show.

OKAY. I have a serious, dark side confession on this whole credit card business. I’m talking DARK, DARK . . . Involving swimming pools and ocean views, and Mexico. Later. Probably, I’ll wait a bit. Give you a chance to forget my raving on the subject.

Downer . . . Part Two

Posted on February 19, 2009 by mysteryshrink

First we looked at that spark that gets us going (See “Just One Little Spark”) then we moved on to a closer examination of what it takes for us to LOSE that spark.

What happens to get you off your mark?

What does it take before you declare a STATE OF CATASTROPHE?

Or WHO? Who’s approval do you need . . . ALL THE TIME? Gad. Now you understand why some people solve the DOWNER problem–the problem of your emotions, your forward-seeking energy, your “zone” BEING UP FOR GRABS . . . all the time . . . by moving to Alaska and living in an abandoned school bus.

Next best alternative? I mean, until that brain transplant procedure is perfected? Work on our own brains. We can CHANGE our brains by what we think. When we change our brains, we change what “happens” in our lives. No magic. When your in you’re not anxious–

When you are in your ”zone:”

You have better judgment . . . You see more alternatives . . . You respond less defensively . . . You listen to what the other person is saying . . . You are less “black and white” . . . You do not see one person as all right and one person as all wrong . . . You open the door for better OUTCOMES. And, I’m just guessing on this, but I imagine I, uh, you would get fewer traffic tickets.

So, how do you get to that calmer place? For starters, copy the following sentence and keep it handy.

This (whatever) is UNFORTUNATE, UNPLEASANT, and INCONVENIENT, but NOT a CATASROPHE . . . unless I DECIDE to make it one.

Perma-weinnies, such as myself, will have to take on responsibility for our own “zone” a little bit at a time. Manana.

Crazy? Me? Of course!

Posted on February 16, 2009 by mysteryshrink

Okay, so there I am standing in the back yard, a hundred degrees outside, and a bleeding knuckle from a scrape on the lawnmower (If you’re lost, see “The Mower Fueling Incident.) By now I’ve stopped whining, “Why am I the only one who ever notices what needs to be done around here?”

I’ve not stopped, but have begun to taper my exaggeration statements, “I canNOT stand this! This is horrible, terrible, and hideous. My whole day, probably the whole WEEK is shot, now that I’ve got this knuckle BLEEDING ALL OVER THE PLACE. Okay, a couple of drops hit my shoe.

And, by now I’ver realized that my AUTOMATIC ASSUMPTIONS in the service of my mighty EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM are what caused me to be in this predicatment in the first place. Had I noticed that the cap on the gas can was a funnel . . . but we’ve covered that. No sense beating myself up, now that I have this gushing bloody finger and messy shoes.

Let’s suppose someone walks up at this moment and points out my disturbing error. What will be my response?

Of course. I’d start dancing some kind of “it’s not my fault” jig. “Too hot to think . . . stupid lawn mower gas can designers . . . been working too hard . . . I shouldn’t be the one here in this heat mowing to start with . . .”

But here’s the lesson. You’d think there’s no way for me to not come out looking like a nutcase, right?

Here goes, great big ole psychologist’s tip that has taken years to perfect: When some poor soul wanders up and points out your lastest goof, and says, ”What are you, crazy?”

You smile and say, “Yes! As a matter of fact I am CRAZY and, let me tell you I’m getting WORSE everyday.”

And, there you go. You don’t have to play that silly, your fault-not my fault game. You’re out.

Tomorrow: Fear, Part One.

MysteryShrink

A Psychologist on the Loose

Tag Archives: anger management