Which is more real, the person we are RESPONDING to, or the person who exists? 

In fact, we can only see people as we expect them to be, how we believe them to be.  Many times I have seen a client (or family member) change–become more or less optimistic, more or less energetic–when leaving or entering a new relationship.  The new wife thinks his quirks are cute; the former wife thought he was crazy.  The new teacher thinks the boy is quiet becuase he “has an artist’s way;” his teacher before said he was pathologically shy.  What those around us BELIEVE to be true about us will have a strong tendency to be played out,  just as our spouses, children, and friends will play into our expectations.

The person who believes she is unlovable behaves in ways to repel love.  The husband who thinks his wife is wonderful, generous, kind, and capable is married to a woman who grows and blooms with confidence.  Maybe it “shouldn’t” be that way.  Maybe we should all be so mature that others’ expectations do not touch us.  But this is not reality as I know it.

 In Atonement, a young girl, who cannot clearly see the face of a rapist, identifies the perpetrator using the context of her own hurt feelings and her interpretation of his earlier behavior as that of a “sex maniac.”  She remakes the face of the rapist to be the person who has diminished her own sense of self.  Even knowing at some level that she has given emotionally driven rather than factual testimony, her wounded sense of pride and jealousy keep her from admitting the truth for years, even to herself. 

Atonement brings to the forefront a struggle we each face everyday.  Can we be more than the expectations of others?  Can we contribute to the joy others experience in life by projecting positive attributes onto them?  How will our most important relationships change if we consistently give others the benefit of the doubt? 

What happens if we just step up to the plate and say, “Hey, world, I can do anything I set my mind to?  I can and I will.”