Category Archives: Parents and Siblings

Reduce Stress Instantly, The Flying Lawn Chair Incident

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Stress. The Flying Lawn Chair Incident. How to Save Time Instantly.

Dateline: DFW Airport International Branch Headquarters, chair in the corner, face to the wall.

First, I’d like to apologize to those unfortunate passengers on flights with me this weekend. If you are thinking, “Maybe I was on a plane with her and I didn’t know it,” you were not. If you recall a short blond woman, her agonized face mashed into the window, who seemed determined to cough up her lungs, or heard one side of the 737 you were in crackle and thunder, just maybe you were. I’m very, very sorry.

Want to save yourself a lot of stress and lower your personal “annoying-to-others” score? It’s really not that tough. Technically. Technically, like jumping rope for five minutes a day can change your life—technically.

To save time and stress, all you have to do is pass out a little permission and decide:

Other people get to do what they do. They do not require my agreement. My opinion is not important, nor does it make any sense for me to insist on telling people what I think of what other people do. To comment takes time and it’s annoying, except to those very few godlike beings who agree with everything I think about people who aren’t like us. Okay, enough with the sermon.

The following account is true. A retired weatherman had an idea how he could make use of several weather balloons cluttering up his garage and change the face of aviation as we know it. First he tied four balloons to an aluminum and plastic weave lawn chair. Next he strapped himself in. Then he popped the launch cords on the balloons. Ten . . . nine . . . eight . . . . three . . . two . . . one . . . LIFT OFF!

Yeah, baby. We are flying now. Mostly we are tumbling end-over-end through the first ten thousand feet. “Oh, what a beautiful blue sky–whoa, there’s my house! Oh, what a beautiful blue sky–whoa, there’s Chicago!” The view went from spectacular to, well, nauseating. But the Man Who Launched His Lawn Chair (MWLLC) was having a ball. Airport radars spotted an unidentified blip on their radar screens. News syndicates were alerted. Planes were diverted. Non-believers were converted. (Sorry, like the MWLLC, I couldn’t stop myself.)

The MWLLC’s wife wrung her hands, though when reporters asked her if she was surprised at her husband’s antics, she admitted such projects on slow summer afternoons were nothing new for her husband. She also admitted the MWLLC had stopped telling her his plans since she’d taken to calling the police and asking the procedures for getting a spouse committed.

What’s the point of this tale? As you read, did any part of you think…What kind of crazy person does something like that?

To instantly reduce stress, let go and let other people have fun. Enjoy their enjoying. You’d think we’d all be savvy on this strategy, but such is not the case. At least not for me and, unless you are Dr. L from the radio who makes no wrong moves, like me, you fall into the boring trap of questioning why other people enjoy activities and possessions you do not. And, if you are like me, when you ask this question, your tone informs listeners that, unlike myself, people are crazy and not as wise as I am if they:

Get up at 2 a.m. on Black Friday. Deep fry their turkey. Don’t deep fry their turkey. Salt their food before tasting it. Buy expensive cars. Spank their kids. Don’t spank their kids. Put up an artificial tree. Spend a day finding a real tree. Watch that stupid television show. Enjoy mincemeat pie. Watch NASCAR, golf, basketball, baseball, fake-real television families, or prison shows. Try to buy love by giving expensive Christmas presents. Are too cheap to give expensive Christmas presents. Are foolish enough to take out a second mortgage to send their child to private college. Are selfish enough to refuse to take out a second mortgage to send their child to private college.

You’ve got the picture. I know. Ouch. Ouch. Guilty. Guilty. One of the elements of psychology that continuously amazes me is how hard and complicated something as simple as enjoying the moment really is.

About the promised Triple Stuffed Turkey Recipe? Next year when I can breathe like a normal person again. Coming: Unique Gifts Only You Can Give.

Stress. Perception and “The Case of the Well-Shaved Woman”

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Stress and Anxiety at the Pool

Dateline: San Antonio MiTierra International Branch Office. Home of most beautiful bar and an incredible bakery. Working with mariachis and tacos. Life is good.

The paper this morning had a letter from a woman who was appalled, very appalled. Appalled enough to take some serious action.  Those of us in Texas have suffered a drought over the summer leading to watering restrictions of various sorts and lots of conversation.

The Appalled Lady (AL) was writing to inform the city of a natural resources problem that, perhaps, the rest of us didn’t know about. Austin, Texas is the home of a fabulous natural swimming area amid the granite—Barton Springs. AL happened to be in the showers at Barton Springs when she spotted the . . . Degenerate Water Wasters (DWWs).

AP was actually on her way home when the dastardly deed was thrown in her face. Well, not exactly “thrown.”  Okay, to be honest, AP only overheard the crimes committed against humanity.

As AP reported, one woman took seven minutes shaving her legs in the shower.  Another woman flushed twice. Something must e done!

What we pay attention to in our world, can make life lovely or just kind of constantly irritating. But, you say, while it’s true that a person can change her interpretation of what she sees, but not what she sees. Actually you can. What you “see” is a reflection of your thoughts, the mindset you bring to the situation.

This can get scary in a hurry when it comes to family and marriage. What happens if you decide your spouse is lazy?  A control freak?  Not as smart as you?  Isn’t capable of love? Is selfish?  Who will be the person who sits down to supper across the table from you?  Which characteristics of your spouse are likely to grow?

What happens if you decide a family member is hopeless?  A political nut?  Pushy? A loser? Stuck up? What happens when you sit down to Thanksgiving dinner surrounded by these troublesome people?

What happens if Appalled Lady isn’t looking for Degenerate Water Wasters?  What happens if she notices the culprits, then decides to pay attention trying to remember the lyrics of Delta Dawn as she shares her passion as a shower singer?

Stress and the Man-Woman Thing

One study had college females pass out exams to large auditoriums of graduate students. Each participant first took a test that showed the female’s level of comfort with men. After she had handed out the exams, the researcher simply asked her to
estimate the percentage of men and women in the class. The young women who were
fearful of men or thought that men were mysterious and very different from women regularly over-estimated the number of men in the class.

Yeah, yeah. I get it. I realize that by pointing out the Appalled Woman…I’m put her in my world when I didn’t have to pay attention.

Next: The Man Who Tried to Train the Gardener.

Word to Dr. Drew: Don’t think you have to run the line, “Do Not Do This At Home” when showing the acrobats of Cirque Cirque du Soleil.  I’m pretty sure we’d figure that out 25 seconds into our plan to practice for a big show tryout.

The Intoxicated Babysitter and the Third Graders at the Renaissance Hotel

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The Intoxicated Babysitter and the Third Graders at the Renaissance Hotel

Dateline: Chili’s bar, Little League World Series Final. These kids are great fun.

What was your first thought when seeing the two boys in the pool. Was it, where were their parents? Not that the question is a bad one, just not the only one.t was your level of fear seeing pic? Remember herding sheep in other countries. The swimmers do look a bit younger than the third graders in the situation below.

Okay, one more shot at James Arthur Ray, then I’ll let him go. Maybe. The sweat lodge situation is just such a good example of one person saying to others (who ended up dead, by the way, even though they were good “Warrriors”) “Listen to me. Not your own mind. You are safe because I know you and you don’t know yourself. You are safe because I am with you and I am so cool and great, you should trust me with your bodies and your money.” Okay, I paraphrased a little. But you get the message. is the same.

Remember the pledge. No judgments. James Arthur Ray and both mothers came by their responses to anxiety honestly. A child’s anxiety is hard to resist. It’s hard to keep
ourselves calm and communicating confidence once our fears are stimulated, once
we know or think we know danger lurks.

The following situation came about accidentally, but taught one father a lot about his
daughter and himself. This particular weekend Mrs. W was out-of-town and Mr. W
was in charge of his ten, four, and two-year old daughters. The mother of one
of his ten-year-old’s best friends called and asked if she could attend a small
slumber party.

The friend’s aunt, staying at one of the best hotels in town which happened to include
an indoor pool and miniature golf course, had offered to arrange a room next
door for their niece and three of her friends. The niece was excited and happy that her aunt had made such a generous offer. The plan was for the aunt to supervise an afternoon in the pool, then take the girls out to dinner before settling in.

What actually happened: An hour after the girls were in the pool, the aunt got into a huge argument with her husband on the phone. After the battle, the aunt
left the hotel, then returned with a six-pack of Mike’s Lemonade. Afte the swim the now intoxicated aunt retreated to her room and room service alcohol.

The girls went down to the indoor miniature golf and played a couple of hours. Returning to their room, the niece peeked in on her aunt to find her passed out on the bed. The four third greaders were on their own and for some reason, probably the fun
night ahead, no one called parents.

They made a joint decision for everyone to shower and change into the dresses brought for dinner. The four girls escorted themselves to hotel’s fine-dining restaurant signing the check to their room. Afterwards, the evening was spent with television and games as planned. Ice cream sundaes were ordered from room service.

The next morning, the aunt still in bed, the girls enjoyed breakfast in the restaurant then returned to the miniature golf course to wait for parents to pick them up at the
assigned time.

Once the niece’s parents were beyond their anger at the aunt, they could step back and see how well their daughter and the other girls had handled themselves. Would they have allowed her to go if they’d known what was going to happen? Of course not. But instead of raging on about the irresponsibility of the adults, or about the fact that his daughter had not called him the night before, they were able to appreciate how the girls had managed a tough situation quite well–and without anyone having to instruct them along the way.

Hang on, no one’s saying leave your third grader with a drunk relative in a hotel. Ten-year-olds do herd sheep and tend to the store in other cultures. (When a young person tells me he or she just can’t do a chore, I tell them about the young herders. Straightens them out in a hurry, since they do not want to end up with more responsibility.)

Next: Relationship
Dependence, the “Woman Who Used Two Potato Peelers at Once.”

 

 

 

Fall Series on Bowen Family Systems Theory

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Bowen Theory: Chronic Anxiety and Defining a Self

Fall 2011 Seminar

This early notice is to provide information for department heads and agency directors.

As a part of our commitment to study and share Bowen theory, eight sessions on the theory originated by Dr. Murray Bowen will be presented in Austin by Hal DeShong, Ph.D. and Barbara DeShong, Ph.D.  Programs will be two hours each on every other Tuesday beginning September 13 and concluding December 13.  To accommodate the holiday season, December sessions will be held on the first two Tuesdays of that month. The time for the program will be determined by surveying participants for a time the time that is the best fit.

Classes will be held in the DeShong offices off Mt. Bonnell Road in
northwest Austin.  Class size will be limited to provide a comfortable, interactive program.  To sign up or for questions, please email: hdeshong@austin.rr.com or telephone (512) 451-9426, Option 1(for Hal
Deshong).  For a brief introduction to the topic of defining a self, a tab can be found on: barbaradeshong-mysteryshrink.com.

Who can benefit from this program?  Anyone interested in learning something new regarding how to think as opposed to what to think.  Anyone interested in reducing the amount of anxiety in their life.
Anyone interested in being more in charge of their functioning.  It is not necessary to have had any prior introduction to Dr. Bowen’s well-researched and thoughtful theory. This format will provide lectures, interactive questions and answers, and the opportunity to present and receive feedback on one’s multigenerational family history. Supplemental readings will be offered, but not required.  Additional information can be accessed by clicking Bowen Center for its homepage.

The fee is $200 per participant for the full program payable at the first session.  If a different arrangement is preferred, please let us know.

This program can be offered for credit.  The number of hours will meet continuing education in virtually all fields.  If you are a student, an instructor, or an instructor with a student you would like to have attend, materials will be provided to meet all requirements for receiving credit at your institution.  Exams developed for the course can be given if required and written assignments can be made and reviewed to meet class
requirements.

Preliminary Outline:

September 13              Bowen Theory: A New Way to View Human Behavior

September 27              The Family as an Emotional Unit: Emotional Process in Action

October 11                  Differentiation of Self: A Way of Thinking and Functioning

October 25                  Anxiety and Symptoms: Forces for Togetherness and Individuality

November 8                The Multigenerational Family System: The Flow of Chronic Anxiety

November 22              Marriage: Children’s Involvement in the Family Emotional Process

December 6                Emotional Process in Physical Disorders: Inflammation and Stress

December 13              Bowen Theory Wrap-Up: Touching Untouched Bases

 

Dr. Hal DeShong has studied and taught Bowen theory for almost three decades, receiving his training at the Bowen Family Center in Washington, D.C. and the Menninger Center in Kansas City. Relevant national and regional publications include: Power and Differentiation of Self;  Thinking and Differentiation of Self;  The Processes of Self-Focusing and Other-Focusing as Related to Objectivity and Differentiation;  Thinking About Suicide; Broadening the Context: Rethinking Participation in Religious Issues;  Bowen Therapy: An Introduction;  From Relationship Therapy to Bowen Theory Based Clinical Work;  Organizational and Family Reaction to Death;  From Other-Focus to Self-Focus as the Essential Shift; Suicide: A Family Emotional Regression; and, What Does a Bowen Family Systems Clinician Think Like?

Dr. Barbara DeShong has been studying and utilizing Bowen theory in private practice, in teaching and in conducting seminars for over twenty years. She received her training through a three-year program at the Menninger Foundation Bowen Theory Center in Kansas City and attending numerous seminars at the Bowen clinic in Washington D.C.   Her presented papers include: Elements in Clinical Changes Using Bowen Theory; Bowen Theory After One Year of Study;  Consistency Over Specialness: The Therapeutic Relationship; and, Are You an Emotional Prisoner?

Start times will be in the early evening, either 6:30 or 7:00 p.m. as best fits participants schedules.

Stress, Anxiety, and All the Pretty Little Drinks, Part 1

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Stress, Anxiety, and All the Pretty Little Drinks

“Thinking for Yourself” Therapy on Someone Else’s Dime

Dateline: Mi Terra Restaurante, San Antonio.  Davy Crockett died down the street not that many blocks in Fall of the Alamo.  (Played in the latest remake by Billy Bob Thornton who delivered the one good line in the movie.  As the Mexicans held him up to be shot, he shouted, “I gotta warn you, I’m a screamer!” ) The remains of the Alamo dead are in a vault a few blocks at Flores and Commerce in the San Fernando Cathedral.

Group Think versus Thinking for Yourself is a tricky proposition because it is much easier to run with our emotions when we are anxious.

A.E. Houseman:  “Most problems can be solved by three minutes of thought. The difficulty is that thinking is hard, and three minutes is a long time.”

When is thinking for yourself, breaking the mold, merely not taking responsibility for paying your way? What about the free thinker who rants about everyone else selling out to
“the man” but who is perfectly willing for you to pick up every check?

The Stress Multiplying Anxiety-Driven Mind of the Adolescent

What about when we were teens, excusing our over-the-top emotionally driven choices on our valiant effort to grow up and become independent. Of course, what we meant by “independent” was to decide our own curfew.  To our parents, our use of the word “independent” meant we were planning to someday pay our own way in the world. Excited by the thought of a time when they could return to lives of their own, our parents fell for our speeches.

Which is good, because each of us benefits learning the hard way during those years .  (Billy the Kid was only 18 years old when he killed his first man.)  Speaking as a proponent of Bowen theory therapy, the teenager who questions and goofs, is less scary than one who goes all the way through without ever putting his or her opinion to the test. (Did you know that, at one time, the credit card company sent the actual carbon of every use to the cardholder with the statement?  I learned this at the breakfast table when my father pulled one such carbon out of his pocket and asked, “Barbara, you want to tell me what you were doing in Eagle Pass just across the border from Piedras Negras?)

Stress Management…Manana

As I roll yet another fluffy tortilla with queso and mochahete salsa, and contemplate the “thinking for self” dilemma….—Stop what you’re doing just for a moment. Ask yourself, “Why am I hurrying to get to the next thing?  What makes me believe that I will be more able to be happy at some future time than I am able to be happy now?”—

See?  There’s all sorts of therapy, all sorts of ways to calm anxiety.  Okay, back to the mochahete, queso and freeloaders spending someone else’s money and calling their efforts “self defining.”  Oops, too late for the Pretty Little Drinks tale of how the decisions made by a couple of young teens….unsupervised lounging around a pool at the fabulous old Mocambo Hotel in Vera Cruz, Mexico….. with no vision of the future… came back to haunt them.

For now, as I stagger dripping and over-heated down Commerce Street, I’ll call up the breezes of the Pretty Little Drinks afternoon….Leaving the unfortunate tale of consequences till manana.

The Wrestler, Praise, and Self Confidence

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How much of who you are is just living out the expectations of others?

How much of who you are is just holding off your fears?

How much of who I am is just a reaction to too many episodes of Most Shocking Police Videos?  (Gotcha.)

 

Back to The Wrestler.  Warning: Plot busters revealed in this post.

Randy the Ram (Mickey Rourke), The Wrestler, is a man who split rather than figure out how to have close relationships with people who were actually close (wife, daughter, friends).  Now, this is not to blame Randy or label him, because he, like the rest of us, came by his defense systems honestly. He reacted to anxiety by avoidance, which is actually a fairly popular method. 

 

And, the Ram had the bad luck of success as a “professional” wrestler.  If the Ram had had a thin build, a lack of discipline, or an allergy to steroids–perhaps he would have turned around, faced the real world, and managed lasting relationships. But, the Ram was good.

 

He fit in great with the other men who practiced their shows and reveled in the artificiality of what they were doing. Randy the Ram was good at fooling people.  The fans screamed for him.  He could hear them begging for him before he entered the ring.  They asked for his autograph.  The wife and the daughter never asked for his autograph.  When he was with his wife and daugter he didn’t know what he was supposed to do, which didn’t feel good at all.

For the Ram, praise became his addiction.  The fake part of him became the only part he valued because it was the only part of him valued by others. The movie begins when Randy the Ram is twenty years past his prime, broke, and broken.  He pathetically comes alive for thirty minutes a week playing small town VFW’s and selling his own memorabilia to marginal fans.

 

Then the Ram has a heart attack and is told by the surgeon who does his bypass that if he does more drugs or wrestles it will kill him.  At first he fights the idea, then he slides into a regular job in a deli, finds out he can deal with customers with humor and fun, and begins to think life as an ordinary (real) person might be possible for him.  He looks up his daughter and has a great afternoon.  Though he has disappointed the daughter all her life, with much effort he convinces her to meet him for dinner the next Saturday.  

The only relationship the Ram has is with a stripper (Marissa Torme) who, like him, survives by faking emotions she doesn’t have. As part of his effort to build a life, the Ram asks the stripper if they might have a real relationship and she rebuffs him.  Without experience or skills to deal with rejection, Randy the Ram loses it, goes on a drinking, drugging, sex with a stranger binge.  He forgets about the ”one last chance date” with his daughter and stands her up one more time.

 

Randy the Ram tries to recover with the daughter, but she’s had enough.  The Ram runs to the one place he feels comfortable like a junkie runs for the needle when times are tough.  The ring.  Under the spotlight, hearing the crowd.  And it kills him.

 

Randy the Ram is a man whose EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM made all his decisions.  

. . . Tomorrow:  The Lawn Mower Fueling Incident . . .  

 

The Wrestler: Praise Can Be Dangerous

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 If you were famous enough to have YOUR OWN ACTION FIGURE would you have Self Confidence and Self Esteem?  More to nail on the Psychobabble Wall of Things that Aren’t True:  If you get enough Praise . . . you will have SELF CONFIDENCE  and SELF ESTEEM. 

But wait!  Praise is a good thing, right? After all, praise makes us FEEL good. We’ve even told parents and teachers that praise (social reinforcement) is the way to get kids to accomplish tasks. We’ve told husbands and wives that praising their spouses can MAKE THEM FEEL LOVED.  Can’t get too much praise, can’t give too much praise . . . right? 

Maybe.  But, What is, “Do these pants make me look fat?”  but one more attempt to suck approval out of another person and duck responsibility for ourselves? (By the way, you regular readers know and have taken the pledge to never, ever, ask anyone that question, or any similar question. You guys remember that any part of your body or personality that you complain about grows to enormous proportions in the eyes of the other.) 

The problem is, if you buy that enough love and praise results in Self Confidence and Self Esteem, it follows then that, if you DO NOT FEEL loaded up with these feathery showstoppers, self-confidence and self-esteem, you must have–somewhere along the line–missed out on sufficient praise.  Now, I wish the worst part of this misguided notion is that we will overblame others (See “What’s Love Got to Do With It?)  . . . but that’s not the worst part.  The most damaging result of this belief is believing –   “I don’t have self confidence and self esteem because I did not get the love and praise I needed AND I did not get the love and praise I needed to be a person with self confidence and self esteem BECAUSE I’M NOT DESERVING OF LOVE and PRAISE”.  And that’s just not right. The whole chase approval, get praise routine is a dead end.  The movie The Wrestler speaks to this issue with clarity, pain, and beauty.   

Warning:  Plot information to follow.  If you haven’t seen The Wrestler and you want to be surprised, stop now. Also, you probably want to avoid the movie if a lot of nudity, a lot, is going to bother you. 

The Wrestler, Randy the Ram (Mickey Rourke), reaches physical maturity to discover he doesn’t know how to participate in adult relationships.  At about the same time he starts spending hours at the gym and learns what body-building enhancing drugs can do for him.  Wha-la!  The Ram is getting noticed.  Being admired.  He even has his own Randy the Ram action toy on the market.

Tomorrow:  Is having an action toy in your image the same as being a real person?