Category Archives: Love, Dating, and Marriage

Ice Cube Wars

Posted on by
Reply

It’s Important to Be the Winner, right?

Ice Cube Wars

“What are the thoughts that define you?  What are the thoughts that destroy you?”

On a Saturday evening long ago at a friend’s house, I noticed a sheet of paper taped to the refrigerator titled:  Ice Tray Filling Record.  Under the title were two columns, one for the wife and one for the husband.  A stick account recorded who had filled the ice trays the more often.  I registered a blip….Trouble in Paradise.

I didn’t know enough at the time to figure out the blip…but I knew something had changed in the relationship of my friends who were divorced within a year.  Am I saying couples who have contests are headed for trouble?…I hope not since the special person and I still race each other home (we deny this to each other) when we leave anywhere in two cars.  There were more signs the marriage of my friends was in trouble than the scoreboard on the refrigerator. 

Still, score-boarding, not be confused with water-boarding, can provide a peek into anxiety-driven  (Emotional Guidance System) functioning…anxiety-driven functioning we know has a way of taking on a life of its own…so that score-boarding becomes arguing….score-boarding can grow and grow until both contestants feel cheated and each believes the other isn’t giving as much as he’s giving….Grow until each is convinced he or she has a bad deal…

And now comes the distance.  Each grows the sense of being a victim of the other.

Wow. All this from counting who fills the ice trays more often?  No, but the nature of score-boarding, keeping a tight record on who apologizes most often, who remembers occasions, who is late most often, and who takes out the trash….requires a particular way of thinking…a particular way of investing energy.  Score-boarding requires that you pull your energy out of getting a kick out of your own life…and re-investing that energy into keeping tabs on the other. 

“What are the thoughts that define you?  What are the thoughts that destroy you?”

Once you decide you are getting the short end of a relationship…you will be FOCUSED on whatever behaviors or absence of behaviors you have decided you must attend to…And…

Now you are just nuts.  You will see slights when they are not there.  And, weirdest of all…once we decided we are not being treated fairly…we will actually CAUSE those behaviors to increase.

Yep.  It’s not even that hard to see.  What happens when we decide someone is going to reject us?  Oh, yeah.  We change.  Our changed thoughts call for new behavior.  We’re not going to stick our neck out welcoming someone who is treating us so unfairly.  We withdraw.  We get a tone. Our face hardens.  We withhold.  We accuse them of not being attentive  (which always goes over so well) or we accuse them of not being a nice person (another way to win friends and influence others)…or we can share our anxiety with a third party who will most likely respond to our anxiety by agreeing with us….and we’re in deeper and deeper.

Too Bad Losers Don’t Want to Play Anymore….

Next…Yes, finally the Sunburned Chap in the Fisherman’s Hap who moved a mountain to prove he was right…

How to Ruin Relationships, Part 2, Assume the Worst

Posted on by
5

angrydreamstime_5517512If you’re not up to speed on the ‘Power Hose’ incident, review ‘How to Ruin a Relationship’, Part 1.

At the close of Part 1, I am standing in my underwear, soaked, and holding a power hose packing enough force to blow asphault off the interstate.  This is not the pretty picture you may be imagining.

Having completed washing the ‘doggie pad’, I now need my special person to do the ONE THING I have asked that he do in the process…I need him to go downstairs and turn off the water at the spigot.  That’s it.  All I ask.  I will do the scrubbing and rinsing (picture a bent woman, gasping for air, working so hard and going unappreciated)….The trip downstairs and what….a couple of twists of the spigot is ALL I ASK.   Twenty minutes earlier my special person had stuck his head out the French doors announcing he was going to run an errand….

At which point I sighed deeply…hoping to remind him of the burdens I bear…then I’d said something gentle, such as:  ”Fine.  Just leave me up here in my underwear to run back and forth …barefoot and soaking wet…through a tile-floored house, slamming into furniture, slipping and crashing into walls, breaking my neck going end-over-endo on the stairs….then sliding out the kitchen door the veranda, where, if I’m lucky I can watch the power hose explode instead of having my face blown off when it detonates in my hand.

….Something sweet like that…

He said:  “Oops.  Sorry, I forgot.”

I said something (on the inside) straight from the sickest part of my Emotional Guidance System ….Something like, “Perfect.  Just what I needed.  Another reminder of how important I am in your life.”

Back to what’s really happening.  I’ve finished the task.  I open the French doors and call for help with this  just one lee-tle bit of help I’m needing.  “Honey, I’m  ready for your to turn off the hose….Honey?….Honey, I need your help here!  Hey!  Need a little help here!  Help!”

Hmmmm….My special person does not seem to be home.  At this point, I could survey my circumstances and pay attention to the facts….my Thinking Guidance System…but this entry is about how TO RUIN a relationship. Consulting my Emotional Guidance System, these are the words tripping through my head:  It appears I have been forgotten…standing on the upstairs terrace with a power hose going full blast in my hand…. “OBVIOUSLY, in spite of the years showing me otherwise, my special person does not love me….In spite of years of evidence proving otherwise….in spite of what I would have said about him thirty minutes ago…I now realize he must get a kick out of torturing me.”

I recall our earlier interaction when he mentioned the errand during which I’d been a bit snippy. Using the ‘logic’ of my Emotional Guidance System….and ignoring all facts to the contrary…I conclude that he’s mad at me and his leaving is some kind of punishment.

I know.  Pathetic, but I’m hoping my brutal confession can help someone else….

And then….my tiny, struggling Thinking Guidance System managed to be heard over the noise….Pointing out that my ‘conclusions’ about my special person made NO SENSE given everything I knew about the man.  He is a kind person who goes out of his way often to make my life easier… and, I like to think he does so, not just because I can be really unpleasant when uncomfortable, but because he is a good person and he cares about me and takes our marriage seriously.  Those are the proven facts.

How can you ruin a relationship?  Always expect the worst of the other person.   Always jump to the worst possible conclusion.  Always assume he has no good reason for disappointing you.  Always assume he doesn’t care.  Always assume he doesn’t care if you’re uncomfortable.  Always assume he’s selfish.

And, after a while, your special person will start to wonder….”Why do I feel like a good person everywhere else in my life…everywhere except when I’m with you?”

When you find yourself in your undies on the second story verandah with a power hose in your hand.  Just maybe he didn’t leave you hanging on purpose. :  Practice words “Don’t worry about it, I’m sure you had a good reason….I have confidence in you….You have good judgment….Everyone has a lapse now and then, I have plenty…”

And, if you learn that he did leave you hanging on purpose….Well, you still have the power hose.

 

How Much Are You Making UP? The Knock-Knock Incident

Posted on by
1

accusingdreamstime_502165Dateline:  Dallas Hilton Branch Office.  Giant flat-screen television.  Antique remote.  The Sleep Timer can be set by using manual controls.  Whew.  It’s not easy being a walking Emotional Guidance System patsy.

Which is more important?   The world of facts?  Or, the world you are responding to?”

How much of what you are talking so assuredly about….is just made up?   Our Thinking Guidance System would have us get the facts…before we act…but who has time for that?

So we respond to people AS IF they are the people, the characters, we’ve made up.  If we expect them to be kind, we’ll get that.  If we believe he or she is a CONTROL FREAK will we encounter a lot of pushy interfering behavior.

The “Knock Knock Incident”

The scene is the waiting area for those of us needing to have lab work done at a large medical facility.  About thirty of us wait, people coming in and out in this busy area.  There is a unisex bathroom off  to the side which is quite popular.  As the lab is near the hospital exit, some people notice the bathroom on leaving and opt to take advantage. The people come, they leave their blood, the people go. 

One fella decides on the bathroom option on his way out of the hospital and asks his wife to wait.  She has a seat and picks up a magazine.  The man closes the door.  Another man soon spots the bathroom on his way out and tries the door, which is locked, of course.  He shrugs and goes on with his day.  Then a women enters the waiting area on her way to other parts of the hospital.  She spies the bathroom, gives the door handle  an unsuccessful pull, and moves on.  A few minutes later a young woman in a T-shirt and shorts crosses the room and tries the door.

At the moment she twists the lever, the man inside happens to open the door.  He sneers at the lass and says, “What’s wrong with you?  Are you stupid?”
She stares blankly.  He says, “You must be stupid to have to try the door three times to figure out it was occupied!”  Girl looks stunned.  “Abused” man and wife walk out talking about how kids today have been ruined by cell phones and texting.

Second Ingredient in the Triple Blame Whammy, the Spouse

Posted on by
Reply

coupledreamstime_79732351Triple Blame Whammy

Part 2:  If my spouse only loved me enough to treat me the way I should be treated, I wouldn’t be having these problems now.

Following this line of reasoning can mean wasting your whole life.  I’ve spent many an hour explaining, I thought quite clearly, the specific personality flaws my spouse needs to work on and how 24 hour happy I would be if he’d cowboy up.  And yet, he goes right on being himself. 

Now, I’m not talking about extremes, where you really should start over–I’m talking about the 98 percent of us married to special someones with the same level of emotional functioning, but turn out to be different from ourselves. 

I know of only one exception so far and that would be my marriage.  My spouse surely must have snagged me during a temporary low functioning moment in my life.  Hey, you were thinking the same thing about your relationship.  I know it’s scary to think we are muddling through along at about the same level as our spouse, and we may have a better “front office,” but people marry people who are similar in level of emotional functioning.

So, what if we fired ourselves from consistently pointing out how our special other could be different and make us feel better?  Notice I said firing ourselves from our consistent efforts.  We’re not stones, we will slip.

Am I saying we should roll over and take whatever other people dish out?  Of course not.  I’m talking about switching our focus to more productive means of changing our lives to better fit what we want. Doing something that works and, just maybe, is less annoying.

Example.  When having friends over, the worst part, anxiety-wise, is the first few minutes.  My special other had the habit of finding himself conveniently occupied during the first fifteen to thirty minutes of a gathering.  Usually, “things came up” which rendered him unable to start his shower until showtime.  After many years of psycho-babbling why he was the way he was (running his parent’s through the wringer, making up all sorts of cute explanations), then trying to convince him to own up to his “problem” and promise to greet guests with me now and forever after.  Which of course he did.  The promise part I mean.  My harranges and psychobabble left him no choice but to promise to change as the trumped up alternative I provided was to admit to acceptance of life-long emotional disorder that was clearly “causing” me too lose my grip.

As for the being present when guests arrived?  You know the answer.  But, rolling over isn’t in my nature.  The next time we had guests coming over, I didn’t say a word and I stayed happy and pleasant.  I did, however, make sure that my getting ready procedures did not get out ahead of his.  If he hadn’t showered and he asked me if I was taking a shower, I’d answer, ”That’s okay, I’ll wait until after you…I’m not sure what I’m going to wear”….”But, people will be arriving soon,” he’d say.  “That’s okay, the door’s open,” I’d say. “I’ll just hollar down….I don’t know…I could wear the black Polo polo with the eagle…or the one with the white collar…what do you think, honey?”….”I think one of us should be downstairs when our guests arrive,” he’d say.  “Me, too,” I’d say, pausing to give him a long kiss that had him totally confused.  “It’s just that I have this eagle-white collar dilemma…”  Smooch, smooch.

Manipulation you say. Darn right, it was.  And exactly what was all that haranguing and psychobabbling?  At least this way, I didn’t have to pretend I didn’t want my way or that my way of doing things was some kind of moral imperative.  I also wasn’t mad. We ended up laughing about it and kind of playing a dare game about who was going to crack first and go down where the guests were helping themselves to hospitality.

Guts, “The e-Harmony Lady”

Posted on by
Reply

The eHarmony Lady.  There is a woman I’ve “overheard” many times but never met, who impresses the flip-flops off me. Being a creature of habit (off the charts obsessed), I have a regular booth at my my local international world headquarters, Jim’s Coffee Shop, and this lady prefers the booth just behind me.

Note: The booth behind me is not a good choice if you want your conversation to remain private.

About three times a week, eHarmony Lady shows up at around 11:45 by herself and with everything perfect–hair, outfit, nails, faint hint of perfume. She watches the front door of Jim’s. Eventually, a man will walk in alone, looking around….eHarmony Lady then jumps up and introduces herself to her latest match. They take a seat right behind me for that horrible first-thirty-minute emotional death march. Which is, no doubt, great for me since by then I’ve been re-working my own stuff for two hours.

And eHarmony Lady is great. She’s not a “ten,” body-wise, but she’s over a ten in her emotional responses. Instead of letting her Emotional Guidance System scare her off with thoughts like, “I’ll never find anyone,” “I’m not attractive enough to get anyone,” or even, “This is humiliating to keep trying and drawing a blank.” Everytime, she has the same positive approach even when it’s clear from the outset we have a mismatch.

She leads with her Thinking Guidance System, making “If you don’t try, it will never happen–” which is a fact … while all the Emotional Guidance System is hawking fears and untruths.

My Hat’s off to you, eHarmony Lady.

Avoidance Anxiety… Will You Calm Down so I can Calm Down

Posted on by
2

  I’m an “unabler,” the fella on “Intervention” admitted.

Of course, he meant to say he was an enabler.  I like his version better.  He was describing the “unabler” as someone who gets rid of her anxiety by taking the other person “off the hook”–paying their bills when they are spending their money on drugs or cars and apartments they cannot afford…for starters.

Bored? http://Twitter.com/mysteryshrink

Enabling is just way we respond because we are “intolerant” of other people being anxious. We are “allergic” the other person being anxious.

Well, guess what? No matter how perfectly we try to arrange our lives and how carefully we try to arrange the lives of others…People we know and love get anxious.  Sinking into their EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEMS, they spray anxiety on us.  “I can’t do it!  It’s not my fault!  The teacher didn’t tell me!  I’m going to miss my plane and then I’m REALLY GOING TO FALL APART. No, it’s hopeless, there’s no way out of total disaster!” they insist.  And we are infected. We dive into our own endless pools of EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE.  We are stuck trying to get rid of OUR anxiety by ridding them of THEIR anxiety.

If you’re as porous as I am, if the “other” is someone I know, much less love, or care about–(Okay, could be the sacker a the grocery in a bad mood, but he’s really a hard worker)–if the person is someone close, all he has to do is open the morning paper with a “whack” and I’m in there… boom… trying to talk him into having a good day.  Just to help him, of course.

The many faces of the please CALM DOWN so I can CALM DOWN routine are too many to cover in one day, but here are a few favorites:

Minimization: “Oh, it’s not that bad.”

The Judge: “You      caused this to happen, you know.” 

Miss Lake Superior:  “You know what I WOULD DO…”

The Miss Lake Superior First Runner Up  whose response is so enlightening she (ah, yes, our Dr.L) is awarded the tiarra:  “I’m not listening to your whining. In the same situation I would not have: EVER MARRIED THAT GUY, GONE ON EVEN ONE DATE WITH THAT GUY, OR SPOKEN WITH A GUY who had a friend whose mother was a smoker or didn’t agree with me…if you had been lucky enough to BE ME,   you wouldn’t have these worries now, but here you are…so tough.”

We’ll go with these few for now, minimizing, judging, claiming we’d do better in the same situation.  Guilt Alert: Remember, if you are reading this, you are probably a person who’s not much of a problem for others and most importantly, you have a capacity to look at YOUR OWN BEHAVIOR. So, pat yourself on the back for having that kind of guts as you catch yourself doing back-flips to calm someone else down because you too, are a little pourous.  THE REALLY GOOD NEWS: When we breathe, “Cool air in, Warm air out,” in place of the above routines, we reduce our stress. Along with not being quite such a pain to other people.    

 . . . ah, Mexico.

Valentine Psych Trip

Posted on by
Reply

 What have I learned studying FAMILY SYSTEMS and the importance of family that can help out people who are dating?

Easy. The key is–get to know his family really well . . . and keep yours hidden in the basement.  I’m kidding.  There are very few basements around here and, if your family’s like mine, something like a cement door to the basement isn’t going to hold them back.   Actually, the key is to listen to what your potential mate has to say about his parents, sisters, and brothers. If he claims he doesn’t have much of a relationship because he has nothing in common with the rest of his family . . . read: “My tastes, interests, and values are superior to theirs” . . . expect to being hearing soon of the ways you do not measure up.  If your man was married to a woman who seemed nice at first, then went crazy (like his sister and his mother),  plan on having a psychiatric history before you’re through. If he believes his only contribution to less than optimal relationships is poor judgment in falling for the wrong women, or because everyone BUT HIM n his family “has problems,” don’t expect much commitment to working on the relationship when things get rough.

What are the people around you like?  Pretty nice or pretty awful?  What would they reveal about themselves in what they would have to say about you? 

Remember, no matter what they might say, IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU, even when it is about you. It’s still them coming out of their day, them telling you or the world what’s going on in their brains and their chests.  If “their world” isn’t lovely, you are not lovely in their sight.

There’s an old joke about a couple driving through the New England countryside planning on moving to a nearby town. Seeing a farmer alongside the road, the couple pulled over and said, “Say, we were thinking about moving to this area. What are the people around here like?”

The farmer replied, “Well, I don’t know.  What were the people like where you came from?” 

  You will be seen through the other’s distorted lense.  So, when he offers to buy you a drink, ask what the people were like where he came from.