Category Archives: Diet Babble

Those Stress Relief Advice Givers are Just Making Stuff Up

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Stress. Some of These Advice Givers are Just Making Stuff Up

Dateline: Gold’s Gym International Branch Office.  A couple of Texas basketball players train here in the summer. Makes the treadmill more fun.

Stress Relief Advice for the Holiday Season

How to steam a turkey in a mop bucket, how to make a wreath out of old toothbrushes, how to bake cookies shaped like antlers using sun power, how to spice up your cocoa with plants from your backyard…and on and on.  

Are you ready for the feature writers to pull out those well-worn ‘seasonal’ features?  How many times do we all have to stand around in the kitchen on Thanksgiving Day and wring our hands trading salmonella rumors?

To honor the relentless nonsensical suggestions we endure this time of year, I’m sharing two bits of bizarre advice to represent the group.

 Stress and Fat Free Turkey

Want to enjoy turkey on Thanksgiving, but you are afraid of the fat? (Okay, let’s be honest here. If you are tackling some weight issue or just living your life beating yourself up…if your first concern is the fat in turkey??…Just saying.) This tip is courtesy of one of the doctor shows. The recommendation: “If you want to enjoy turkey on the Big Day but don’t want the fat, substitute that tasty turkey breast and gravy, that delicious turkey leg… with a fat free (read: so dry you could use it as a sponge) ground turkey CUPCAKE. The delusional doctor actually added, “Not only is a turkey cupcake low in fat, it’s fun to eat!”

Doggie Stress at the Turkey Table 

We don’t want to leave out the pet on this family holiday. This chunk of news is taken from some guy on the Animal Channel. “Is your pet a problem at the dinner table? Does your dog beg for a taste of that lucious turkey dinner the people are enjoying?”

Now, right away, the fact this guy can ask such questions should warn you to plug your ears with hot tar. Lucky for us dog owners, he answers his own questions.  He says, (You should probably sit down for this one.) “While it may seem like what your dog wants is a bit of food, all he really wants is your attention.” (I know. I almost choked I was laughing so hard.)

The dog man continues: “When your dog begs at Thanksgiving Dinner, just slip your hand under the table and give him a pat on the head.”

Right. And bring back a bloody stub. A guest tearing out of the house for the emergency room during Thanksgiving Dinner is such a downer. It’s a downer for the foolishly injured person, too, because the wait will be long at the hospital. Lots of people ‘full of in a holiday spirit’ who forgot to use a potholder taking the turkey out of the oven. Those folks often sport broken toes and charred shins. Then there are the domestic violence cases. Men with turkey legs wedged sideways in their mouths and women who lost the sweet potates and marshmellows food fight.On Thanksgiving day you have to wait forever to see a doctor….I mean, that’s what I’ve heard.

Coming:  Recipe Exclusive!  Famous Triple Stuffed Turkey

 

 

 

 

Couple Stress, the “Woman Who Didn’t Know If She Liked French Fries”

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Fusion and the “Woman Who Didn’t Know If She Liked French Fries Incident”

Dateline:  Bergstrom Interantional Airport, which is deep in the forests of northeast part of Germany or in south Austin.

Fusion is the emotional process that occurs when the way one person feels is automatically absorbed by another person. Every close relationship includes a certain amount of adaptation to calm the other, the question is, to what degree?  It’s only with too much fusion that we get into trouble.

For example:  the family member who avoids going home for Christmas because he or she feels like a different person (less confident) when around family. The usual rationalization is to claim nothing in common or to have a list of past injustices.)

The horse I had once who wouldn’t eat at horseshows unless his buddy in the next stall at home came along with him on the road. (Fusion can get expensive.)

The cheerleader’s mother who tried to murder the mother of one of her daughter’s rivals so that the girl would be too upset to be competitive.

The wife who longed to tour Italy but stopped bringing it up after a few years to avoid the anxiety in her that was stirred up by her husband’s anxiety at the thought of shaking up the routine.

The student who can only perform well when ‘liked’ by the teacher.

A loved spouse who only feels safe when his or her partner is happy.

and…

The Woman Who Didn’t Know if She Liked French Fries:

A college roommate, we’ll call her K, met an wealthy older man who promised her a new life.  Not all that happy with the life she had, she married him. K gathered up her country-raised self and welcomed the makeover into an upscale wife.  Three years later the new look wasn’t worth putting up with the all the other women her husband provided with new lives.  The night of their last big fight, K and I met at midnight at a 24 hour café.  I ordered the burger and fries, but K told the waiter she needed more time.

K picked up the menu and stared.  “I don’t know what to order,” she said.

“Burgers and fries are good here,” I said.

“That’s the problem,” K said. “Dave thinks I should lose weight, so I always order what I know he thinks I should eat. I don’t remember if I like French fries or not.”

The emotional process of calming self by calming the anxious other has many names and faces. The term co-dependent, no longer in vogue since insurance won’t pay for it anymore, was defined as calming self when next to an anxious other by ‘helping’ that person. The co-dependent is the person who lies for the addict, supplies money, and sometimes takes on responsibility for locating the ‘drug of choice’ for them.  In this situation the addict is very clear about what will calm them down—for the moment. He or she is good at promising that if the other doesn’t do what he or she commands worse consequences are to come.

The addict turns responsibility for his or her life over to the other. The addict learns to be very good at convincing others to listen to his or her claims about life and to ignore their own beliefs.  Through this process, a person can end up “living” another person’s life.  Much like the woman who didn’t know if she liked french fries.

Next: Anxiety and Potatoes Part Two, the “Woman Who Used Two Potato Peelers at Once” Incident.

 

 

 

 

 

Lasagna Ends War on Drugs

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lasagnadreamstime_7484968The advertising industry depends on the dominance of the Emotional Guidance System over the Thinking Guidance System, which isn’t a tough call. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have a five piece set of luggage for only $39.99 folded into a shoebox in my closet.

The method most often used is the LOOSE CONNECTION ploy. Advertisers use what we call a “loose connection” to establish a FALSE cause and effect.  For example:  Joe Montana (16 years in the NFL) is in good shape.  Joe wears ”rollers” from Sketchers.  Therefore: Roller shoes caused Joe Montana’s in-shapeness. Put on those Sketchers, baby, and, you too, will be ready to run onto the field at the new Cowboy Stadium….

Shop at Walmart and watch the pounds drop…and on and on and on….The weight loss industry depends on the EGS, particularly the Emotional Guidance Systems advice: “It won’t hurt to buy all this worthless equipment and all these pills.”  Yeah, if you don’t count the soul-sucking loss of personhood.

Ah, but the weight issue can wait.  We have the War on Drugs to bust first.   

Swanson frozen food commercials suggest that thawing their products and sitting around the table as a family results in closer relationships with your children.  As soft hymn-like music rises in the background, a blond family of four laughs and exchanges winning smiles around the table as they dish up lasagna.

According to Swanson, these early lasagna experiences mean you’ll have better relationships with your kids when they’re teenagers than will foolish parents who ignored the Swanson advice.  Thus:  Swanson Frozen Lasagna=Drug-Free Teens.

Why is thinking about loose cause-effect issues important?  Because…cause-effect thinking sends us off onto all sorts of crazy generalizations, such as “I’m late, so I have to be in a bad mood….I’m not beautiful, so I can’t wear a bathing suit….my kid’s in jail because I had a job while he was in high school….even….I’m not happy because I married the wrong person…I know. That’s a biggie.

Swanson should maybe pass their incredible good news up the line, say share their genius with the folks in Washington.  Stay with me here, this lasagna solution can solve all sorts of problems: 

Swanson Frozen Lasagna=Drug Free Teens=Billions of Dollars Saved=Murders Down 40 Percent=Border Problem Solved=Millions Go Off Welfare=Less Unemployment=Fewer Houses Broken Into=Prisons Emptied…Who knows where lasagne can take us?

The Fashion Statement Diet, Lose Weight and Look Amazing

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highFashiondreamstime_10100274The Fashion Statement Diet

Lose Weight WITHOUT Changing What You Eat!

Emerging research suggests that the High Fashion Diet could be effective for weight loss (combined with a low calorie menu and exercise). Yes, you can lose weight simply by dressing with the appropriate amazing gadgets.  Or, How to Dress Like a Walking Emotional Guidance System… that is…as if you’ve said….I just give up…I’m never even going to try to think….ever.

Diet Plan:  There are a few purchases required here, but they’re each $19.99!… plus shipping and handling.  Oh, and lots of batteries.   Lots.

First, step into a pair of those Skechers Shape-up roller shoes (See previous Skechers post.).  These babies will take care of whipping your lower half into shape.

Second, strap one of those zapper belts that sends jolts into your abs so to make sure your amazing thigh and butt toning doesn’t get ahead of your tummy.

Certainly, you’ve bought two of those shaker tubes you hold in your hands…the ones that jiggle like crazy up and down and all you have to do is hang on baby… (I know, looks prit-tee pornographic to me….) Okay…put those down for now, you still need your hands.

Now, place the chin squasher torture instrument you bought off television that one time at three in the morning. You know, the one with a coil from a mattress that you place under your jaw.  Then you mash the spring down against your upper chest.  Ten minutes pushing that puppy down and you have a long slender neck and a few hard to explain bruises. 

Now, pick up those shaker tubes again.  You’re set…looking gadget fabulous. Roller shoes, zapper belt, chin squasher, and a tube wiggler in each hand.  Drive to Walmart, step out of your car, hit the on buttons on all your new-found miracle gadgets,  and walk around the perimeter in your new outfit.  This is the perfect weight loss program…unless you get arrested or run into someone from the office.

But Wait!  Just pay separate shipping and handling and you’ll receive the perfect accessory….one of those ball caps with a beer can and a flexible straw on either side.

I Feel, Therefore I’ll Take a Couple of Those Hollywood Cookies…

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thinkdreamstime_10546152Let’s say there’s a continuum of Emotional Maturity….a continuum where ‘0’ represents a person who employs her Emotional Guidance System at all times, in all situations….without any interference from her Thinking Guidance System whats-so-ever…

In other words, ‘0’ represents a person whose momentary feelings determine all decisions in her life….Let’s say…the Octamom.

And ‘100’ represents the person who confers with the Thinking Guidance System, a human who considers the long term results, when making decisions….Let’s say….Gandi.

Remember, feelings are not bad….feelings make life rich and deep.  But if you use transient feelings to decide long term issues for you….Your life will not turn out so well.  Which brings us back to our continuum. 

Where the ‘0’ end is headed up by the Octamom.  And the ‘100’ end, is represented by Gandi.

Notice, particularly, to what degree each person takes the welfare of others into account.  One person draws attention to herself by sacrificing eight (14 children in all)… The other person sacrifices himself to call attention to the plight of his people.

Now, if you’re still thinking, uh, FEELING, there’s a new miracle diet out there….You should know that the Octamom is coming out with a book on….Yep….on the special weight-loss secrets she employed to take off that extra baby (X8) weight.

Personally, I can do without her advice.  Just hand me a couple more of those Hollywood Cookie Diet goodies, would you please?

Who Left Me in Charge of My Life? What? Are They Crazy?

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coladreamstime_2801484HOW WE THINK about a PROBLEM directs our TIME, ENERGY, MONEY, and WORRY

Okay…Dangerous water here, I know.  Weight loss is definitely the preoccupation of the nation and, while before we only drove ourselves nuts…the facts are childhood obesity has jumped into ugly focus.  Before a word reaches your eyes…keep in mind… Pledge One:  “I, Barbara DeShong, am as nutty and emotionally driven as anyone on the planet.”  No preaching or “expert” psycho-babbling here.  One of my irresistible Texas favorites is Mexican food which I just enjoyed in Denver, so my “failings” are interstate.

How we think about a symptom directs how we spend our time, energy, money, and heartfelt worry, attempting to make a difference.

Option A:  Childhood obesity is on the rise because of EVENTS and the ENVIRONMENT.

If we believe this, we launch programs to change the events and the environment.  We take soft drink machines out of schools, we force the convenience stores across from schools out of business, we applaud fast food franchises for offering apple slices instead of french fries.  We serve angel food cake at birthday parties. We buy exercise equipment. We IGNORE the fact that soft drink machines and convenience stores across from schools were in place long before the current dilemma. 

Option B:  Childhood obesity is on the rise because of a LACK OF INFORMATION.

If we believe lack of information to be the problem…that is, we believe we are overweight because we just can’t figure out how it happens– we will teach the food pyramid and how calories are used in the body.  We will petition school boards to buy more bulletin board materials on healthy eating. We will buy books on dieting and weight loss.  Since obesity is a highly complicated and cutting edge science, we will buy every new book that promises to have discovered “the secret.”  We will buy magazines with a new diet on the cover and filled with pages models in clothes no one we know could wear.  We IGNORE the fact that, logically, if more information on diet and exercise made a difference…all of us would be thinner and in better shape…since we have way more information (If you count saying the same thing a thousand different ways as information) now that we did in the 1950′s.

Option C:  Childhood obesity, like other “symptoms,” is on the rise due to ANXIETY and DIFFICULTIES in managing ANXIETY …difficulty making choices based on long-term benefit over getting rid of anxiety NOW. 

No blame here.  We got into this shape honestly responding to the emotional systems of which we are a part.  If we believe individual difficulties in managing anxiety…in the parents and the children…is resulting in an increasing pattern of over-eating and under-exercising—we realize we could invest time, energy, and sometimes money into strenthening the child’s, and our own, ability to think and manage anxiety. Remember the migration of the wildebeest (found by searching wildebeest on this site)…We’re just trying to get a little more toward the center of the herd.  Since we as parents know the problem…

Don’t worry, I ducked when you threw that plate at me.  I don’t like it either…focusing on events and information…is so comforting.  Plus, I must go to the vending machines and find some Tums.

What Would You Give Not to Feel?

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celebritydreamstime_9555425First, DIETBABBLE ALERT: New Scientific Breakthrough! The reason you’ve had a hard time losing weight is because you haven’t been eating according to your DNA!  That’s right, folks.  Now you can send in a saliva swab, the “lab” reads your “sample” and POOF… the exciting secret foods you need to avoid will be revealed and the weight just falls off.  Of course, you have to coordinate this amazing scientific breakthrough with dieting according to your blood type and the phases of the moon.

Also, a thermos maker cashing in on “going green” by showing piles of plastic bottles (gallons) lists both ’saving the planet’ and ‘weight loss’ as results you can expect by using the thermos.

Still the favorite in my heart:  the man walking along the beach with a split piece of metal, ending his spiel saying, “And my wife can’t stop talking about the weight I’ve lost since I’ve had my new metal detector.”

Anxiety. How far will you go to push down your anxiety?

It’s interesting to notice that recent celebrity drug deaths are overdoses … not of a drug that would make a person ‘high’… their deaths have not been the result of going too far with a substance known to make a person ‘happy’.  Their deaths have been the result of taking drugs which make a person numb, even unconcious.

Anxiety. 

Anxiety is the fuel and the product of the Emotional Guidance System.  Anxiety is powerful, powerful enough to make a mess of a person’s life.  We are all anxious.  Dogs and cats and cows are anxious, too.  Some dogs chew through doors when left alone, some cats hide even when hungry, cows stampede sometimes.  People chew (overeat), hide (avoid), and stampede (run away), too.

The goal of this mysteryshrink journey we are on is to get a little better hold on anxiety. (See Wildebeest entry)..2 percent…a shift of only 2 percent can improve life experience.

What would happen if you could manage a 2 percent improvement in your ability to manage your anxiety when someone else is saying something that makes you anxious?  Aha!  Of course, no one can “make you anxious”… No one else can even reach your EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM button… I was just giving you a little test…

Situation: The spouse and I are having breakfast in Kansas City during the Big Twelve Basketball tournament.  As it happens, several team members are enjoying the same hotel buffet.  My special other, being much better than I at realizing his importance or lack of importance in the world, is nudging me in the shin and teasingly suggesting I make up some story about a young nephew and collect a bunch of Texas Longhorn autographs.  Since my Emotional Guidance System is always ready to exaggerate things, always ready with the caution, ”Don’t call attention to yourself!  People will think you’re crazy! Your complete hick-dom background is going to show and you’ll never recover!  What complete strangers think of you is incredibly important!  A frown from a stranger will ruin your whole day!”  “When your special person does something that he thinks is cute and you think is embarrassing after you’ve TOLD him how he’s supposed to behave to keep you calmed down…his continuing to be himself means he doesn’t love you!” 

Okay, there I am, exposed for the sucker FUSION (See Fusion, think ropes twisted together.)  And how do I FEEL?  To what degree do the actions of another change (signal you to change) what’s going on inside you?

Anxiety 101.  Tune in tomorrow for miraculous 2 percent victory in the terrifying autographing incident!