“I can’t believe this is happening. . . to me.”
We’re good people, right? Or we try to be. And yet we suffer. We start out each day with a plan, an intention toward kindness, and sometimes even a list. And then reality steps up and dents our serenity. It can be a traffic mess or a phone call from a friend talking about that subject you told them to not talk about. Or your partner shoots a frown your way as you walk out the door.
Anyway, something happens outside the plan, something threatens our progress, and the defensive brain starts to bubble. It doesn’t take much. The experience is usually not physical, but a threat to our persona or the way we want to see ourselves.
Or, you could remember and review a personal failure from the day or year before. But more on that next time.
Once our flow is interrupted, once the ‘event’ happens that we did not have in our plan for “how things should be,” our inner voice starts in evaluating the situation: “This should not be happening. Or, at least, it shouldn’t be happening to me.”
You may not want to identify with this statement at first. It makes us sound so self-centered. Still, somehow, when life’s inconveniences show up, we act surprised that the blip has interfered with our plans. Again.
And we take off– ‘shoulding’ around.
“I should not have to put up with this. You should treat me differently. He shouldn’t drive so fast. No one should tailgate. The guy on the radio should have his head examined. Everyone should buy an electric car. No one should buy an electric truck. Psychologists shouldn’t write stuff like this. The writer should have used a different font. I shouldn’t be reading this. I should be doing something else.”
The over-reaction we have when the unwanted happens is a physical experience, an answer to an emergency situation. Gotta fix this. Gotta get back on my plan. Blood pressure goes up, heartrate goes up, face gets red and our brain goes into random defense mode. The most notable change in thinking is a reduction in judgment. Probabilities of stumbling, bumping into things, and irritating innocents go up—as does your likelihood of blaming others for your injuries. The first mantra–“This is unpleasant, unfortunate, and inconvenient, but not a disaster unless I decide to make it one–” you have that one already down.
The ‘this shouldn’t be happening to me” part of our response results from our wild over-estimation of our place in the world. We react as if, since, in our view, we’ve worked hard and are ‘good people’ we should not have to gracefully tolerate the discomforts in life--from weather to accidents, to diseases, to aging, to the quirks, beliefs, and behaviors of other people.
Yet, the weather’s the weather and other people have a right to be themselves. Dang it. So what’s the Quick Fix?
Replace— “There should not be this much traffic. Not at this hour.”
With—“This is exactly what I’d planned. Maybe not the exact intersection where we’d come to a complete halt.”
Replace—“Did you see what that guy did? Did you see how he cut in front of me?”
With— “He must be in a bigger hurry than I am.”
Replace – “Everyone should our age should take Vitamin D.”
With – “I may not be totally right about this, you know how research changes and doctors switch ideas, but I’m taking Vitamin D now.”
Replace – “She should get a grip on her kids.”
With – “She’s having a time with those three, isn’t she? I wouldn’t have any better luck.”
Replace – “Anyone who thinks that way should watch less television.”(read: “Should think like I do.”)
With – “I’ve always been glad that everyone in our family doesn’t think alike.”
**Bonus tip: I’ve been told that those of us who go through the world or a movie or a restaurant or a meal—evaluating everything and every person in the production doesn’t make us appear intelligent and observant as we hope—it makes us annoying.
