Olympics Free-for-All Medley Swim
Sport for Us, the Real People
Hear ye! Hear ye!
The International Olympic Committee has arranged an event for us, the real people.
Well, we can’t do ‘flying body’ sports but we can succeed in our event, the Free-for-All Medley Swim. We chose a swimming race for the obvious reason that we float well. The race will consist of one lap up and back in the gorgeous Olympic pool.
- To qualify you must be able to get in the pool and locate your assigned lane.
- Flippers are required. No exceptions. (The Olympic judges don’t have all day).
- Swimmers must wear spandex cover from ankles to chins. Donning the spandex suits is a separate event that takes place before the actual swim and was a crowd favorite until last year when no contestant achieved full body coverage and one athlete required the jaws of life to remove required swimwear.
- While it takes a village to raise a child, it will take a team for you to complete this event. Your team must include your cardiologist, your rheumatologist, your pulmonologist, your allergist, and a trauma surgeon of your choice. You are required to have one grandchild or great-niece or nephew on your team as your sideline coach. He or she will walk alongside the pool and providing encouragement and humiliation. All athletes and coaches must attend one family therapy session immediately following the event, either in the staging room by the pool or during the ambulance ride.
- Each swimmer must have a partner to assist with getting out of the pool after the race (Again, the judges don’t have all day). Partners will be assigned as punishment for weight-lifters who are the biggest losers in their events.
- Incessant yelling and screaming for help will result in forfeiture of your potential medal. Should you engage in incessant yelling and screaming for help, let it be known that no EMS personnel will jump in and assist. We found this really slows down the Games. If your screaming does not halt within eight minutes, Olympic staff will jump in and forcibly ring your upper arms with those ‘swim puffs’ water wings.
- To cut down on fatalities, Styrofoam ‘noodles’ will be provided for the return lap. It is up to you to maintain control of your noodle at all times. Loss of noodle control will result noodle removal. If you clutch your noodle and refuse to let it go, you will be Tazed. (See above regarding time limits for event.)
- Athletes must stay in their assigned lanes. The penalty for lane impingement has been doubled since last year when that guy went from his starter spot in Lane One, straight across the edge of the pool, pressed the finish button in Lane Ten, and claimed a win. Very confusing. There is no penalty for grabbing the foot of the swimmer in the next lane and having yourself dragged through the water as long as you pull him or her into your
- Anyone exceeding the speed of one of those giant tortoises that lounge for a couple of centuries at the bottom of the zoo pond–will be disqualified for obvious drugging.
- Hats are required and account for one-third of your point count toward a medal. Hats will be judged according to level of difficulty and skill of execution determined by originality and the ability to stick to your head. Absolutely no propeller hats. Sadly we lost one woman with a propeller hat during the finals for a spot at the Olympics. Her hat actually lifted her out of the pool and she eventually ended up tangled in the roof netting—well, let’s not see that again. Live animals and grandchildren are prohibited on hats, though photos are permissible if properly laminated.
- One-third of your points toward a medals will be determined by who inhales the most pool water and lives. Each athlete will be weighed before the race—and your weight will be yelled over the public address system–and the procedure will be repeated after the race (see yelling above) to determine the water-sucking portion of the points.
- Since no swimmer is expected to finish the race before the event is shut down due to time requirements, one-third of your points toward medals will be awarded with the method used to determine the winner among bull-riders at the now prohibited Texas Prison Rodeo. Back in the day at the rodeo, all bull-riding contestants were loaded and ejected into the arena at one time. Last man on, was the winner. In the Free-for-All Medley, points are given to the last athlete who looks like he or she is still actually (1) making forward progress, (2) and, splashing.
- In case of a tie a splashing contest will determine the winner. It is not in the Olympic spirit to use dental appliances in the Splash-off.