Sex and the Dishwasher: Becoming a Self in Relationships
Mr. and Mrs. R were in my office with complaints about the other’s behavior which makes sense because each of us views the world through our personal and very prejudiced camera. Mrs. R’s goal was for her husband to recognize the difference between “helping out” with chores at home and actually taking a partnership role. Mr. R was dissatisfied with his wife’s lack of enthusiasm for intimacy.
Much elaborating and family study followed and both spouses worked toward being more of a ‘self’ in the relationship. Remember being a ‘self’ has nothing to do with ‘being selfish.’ Selfishness is a distancing maneuver that comes from using avoidance to manage anxiety.
In the last session I asked Mrs. R when she first noticed her commitment to the relationship change. Mrs. R: “I can tell you exactly. I came home after a long day and evening meeting. Mr. R who usually greeted me from his recliner mentioning that the kids were ‘still up to tell me goodnight’, was in the kitchen loading the dishwasher and our three children were freshly bathed and in bed. Mr. R’s hands int the dishwasher was the sexiest move I’d ever witnessed and I proved it.”
