Three Ways to Know When Your Efforts Toward a Goal Are Doomed

Dateline: Houston Hilton International Branch Office. On another visit, my sister-in-law and I noticed and reported that the hotel was hosting a senior women’s basketball tournament or women’s basketball re-union. Later at dinner, we were corrected by the more astute male observers. The Hilton was hosting a Trans-Dresser Convention. Not kidding.

Goal: Learn to recognize when your behavior is directed by emotional pressure from other people, or emotional pressure from within yourself—your own fears. 

To follow-up “Are Your Emotions Running the Show? Welcome to Las Vegas!” this entry describes three ways to recognize people in Las Vegas who have turned off the Thinking Guidance System in favor of the Emotional Guidance System. These three are only the beginning of the “Self-defeating Behaviors List.”

STRESS. ONLINE THERAPY. DEPRESSION. SELF ESTEEM. RELATIONSHIP THERAPY. THERAPY THAT WORKS. THE STRESS PRONE PERSON.

The descriptions below use gambling as the behavior that can switch from ‘thoughtful’ to ‘crazy emotions gone wild.’  You can easily substitute “over-eating,” “going on ‘needy’ jags,” “spending money,” or my favorite and the most common: “Worrying” and “Self Criticism jags.”

Yes, worrying and beating yourself up can classify as addictions. Addictions are anxiety driven behaviors that are destructive.

The Emotional Guidance System goes into action when we are not being rewarded with the money, attention, love, reassurance, the high, the escape, gratitude, or anxiety relief we believe we have to have to be even reasonably content.

In Las Vegas people whose emotions are running the show are easy to spot. Check out the line at the ATM. Also, there are lots of mirrors.

When we are anxious and not accomplishing a desired goal, like the berserk gambler:

1.  We go into random mode. We are lost.

We bet on anything and everything (eat, drink, escape) in sight. We make up fairy tales about the wisdom of our choices, usually supported by the latest “tips” on the Internet or in magazines. Random Mode as attempted anxiety management is characterized by a zigzag approach to the world and the people in it. We jump in and out of relationships, jobs, goals, diets, theories, and five minute plans. We stand blankly at the roulette table or the open refrigerator. We are lost and quick to jump on the latest fad or set of “tips.” We carry crises and advice with us to share like a bag of Halloween candy.

2.  We chase losses. We are desperate. 

Already “down” or behind in what we hoped to accomplish, the emotional pressure cheerleader urges us to double our bet. Up the ante. If a relationship is in trouble, escalate the emotions. Raise the stakes. Work until we drop, complain twice as much, fantasize increasing levels of recovery and retaliation. We’ll show them. We set unrealistic goals. Whatever we’ve lost (unless its pounds)—we want it back. NOW.

3.  We repeat and re-repeat the behavior that failed before. We are stuck.

We are too anxious to consider alternative actions and we are adamant in our refusal to change. More fairy tales. “This hasn’t worked the last four hundred times I tried it, but maybe this time . . .” In Las Vegas the gambler is limited in the repetition of losing actions by a bottom line at some point. Thus the popularity of the ATM. When the losing behaviors we repeat are refusal of self-forgiveness, worry, and self-criticism—which have losing plays since the beginning of time—there is no credit limit. Repetition of what doesn’t work is unlimited.

I don’t know about you, but I can accomplish all three between when the alarm goes off and my feet hit the floor. But, then again, I’m human.