Dateline: Threadgill’s Austin Branch Office, Janis Joplin sang here.

MysteryShrink’s words to live by: “Never pass up an opportunity to shut up.”  (This is paraphrased from character in “Goodfellas.”  A guy, we’ll call Jack Goodfella, is at a cafe table with two others. He says something negative about someone not present.  Jack GF is shot for his effort.  The shooter says, “Remember, next time, never pass up a chance to shut up.”)

The phrasing is sharp, but the lesson is just right.

First, General McChrystal blows his career by talking too much.  Now, Dr. Laura’s hit the skids. And, of course, there’s always Mel Gibson. Do we need any more breaking stories of what happens when the Emotional Guidance System speaks, without routing through the brain?

Definitely not.  And, yet, there was the night when I joined the loose lips club.  And it was Dr. Laura’s fault….I know… It’s hard to imagine anything being Dr. L’s fault since she has (cough) never made any mistakes. 

The setup:  We were at a Big Twelve Tournament in Kansas City when the seeds of my self-destruction were laid.  Behind us in the stands was another couple from our city.  Nice people, though clearly from a higher tier on the socio-economic seating chart….Lived down the street from Sandra Bullock, flew the outline of the United States in private jet for their silver wedding anniversary, had lots of extra keys on their key chains to open vacation houses in Colorado and Italy. 

Not a lot in common and not hilarious company, but really nice people.  Not a couple I’d really look up or put on a Christmas card list.  As it turned out, my special person and I opted to leave a day early, skipping the finals for two reasons.  The Texas Longhorns had been eliminated and a blizzard was expected the next day. Our tickets for the finals were worth a lot of money since Kansas, of course, was in the game.  However, instead of selling the tickets outside, we offered the Wealthy-But-Nice couple our tickets at face value since they had relatives in the area that really wanted to come to the game.

Okay.  So far, so good.  Back in Austin, we receive and email from the WBN couple inviting us to dinner at the most expensive restaurant in town as a way to repay our kindness. 

Now, right there I should have employed my brain.  I hadn’t been interested in continuing the relationship before, why should I change directions now?

Oh, yeah.  Free dinner at the most expensive restaurant in town.  You betcha.  Just tossed good sense aside for one free meal.  Still, so far, so good.

So where did the evening go terribly wrong?  At first, all was lovely. Lots of thanks from the WBN couple, for the tickets, for sharing the evening.  We go for it.  Appetizers from the sea.  Expensive bottles of wine.  Best steaks in the house.  Everything was so….well lovely. 

Until…

Mrs. WBN leaned across the table and asked me, “You’re a psychologist, what do you think about Dr. Laura?”

Not realizing I was standing on a live bomb, I answered sincerely, “I think she should be taken out to the woods and shot.”

Which is when evening took a dive.  Which is when conversation became stilted and painful, though psychology and Dr. L were not specifically mentioned again.

That moment was also when our host, apparently, decided that the dinner was not so much about the WBN couple showing their appreciation and more about the kind of get together where you split the check.  Without ado, when the check arrived, Mr. WBN asked if we’d like to pay cash for our half and he’d put it on his credit card….

Even through my shocked fog, I said, “No,” we’d have the waiter split it and we’d put our (astronomical) half on my credit card.  I wasn’t getting anything else out of the evening…I was not giving up my Hilton points.

So, oddly, all comes full circle. Have we learned anything?  Dr. Laura, of course, hasn’t because…she didn’t do anything wrong.  But, for my part, I’ve learned: If someone is buying your dinner, keep your comments neutral.  Or, better yet, don’t let a free meal (at the most expensive restaurant in town) determine how you spend an evening.