How to Chase Away Love, the “Wallpaper Lady Incident”

Remember the Emotional Maturity Seeker’s Pledge:  I am just as crazy as every other human on the planet.  When I give examples of other’s behavior, I am not, for a moment, suggesting I could handle another person’s life better.

The Wallpaper Lady was in her late thirties and had never been married, though she really wanted to have the experience.  She hoped psychological insight work could help her discover why she always seemed to choose “losers.”  The Wallpaper Lady was very attractive and had experienced many short-term relationships. 

Warning:  If you are in the market for a date or a friend and a new prospect claims to have met many people who start out looking good then turn unsatisfying or nuts….Run, baby, run.

I warned Wallpaper Lady that, while I could possibly help her improve her self-management skills, I’d had scant luck in changing the way friends and family respond to a person.  I warned that I, too, could prove less than satisfying as her previous therapists, friends, family, and boyfriends had done…and end up on her list of wackos who had failed her.

She’d give it a shot, she said.  Nothing else had worked.  And we were off.  Hours were spent on family and anxiety and what relationships are about.  Wallpaper Lady turned out to be pleasant and open to working very hard on managing her anxiety.  During the process Wallpaper Lady found a new man who was “perfect.”  

They’d dated for several months, rocking along quite well.  Thus, I was surprised to hear Wallpaper Lady wanted nothing more to do with the man.

She had discovered his fatal flaw.  Wallpaper Lady explained that she had recently re-decorated and up-dated her kitchen dining area.  She was excited about the improvements and about accomplishing the decorating work on her own.  After she’d finished her project, she’d invited her beau inside her place (he’d been there several times before) following an evening concert.  She led him into the kitchen and she had asked, “Well, what do you think?”

Man with the soon-to-be-revealed fatal flaw had responded, “What do I think about what?”  Wallpaper Lady said, relating their conversation to me.

Then, Wallpaper Lady looked at me and said, “You can see why I got rid of him.”

I said, “Not sure…”

She said, “There’s no way I’m putting up with a man who doesn’t appreciate what is important to me.”

“Oh,” I said, and, in an effort to suggest a more optimistic interpretation of her man’s response, I said, “His response might not have been anything personal.  I probably don’t notice when people make home improvements….I’m just not tuned in…I’ve never spent much thought…”

Wallpaper Lady said, “Great! First he’s a self-centered butt-head, and now ..now you are not agreeing with me.  I’m not putting up with a psychologist who doesn’t validate my feelings!”

Oh well.  Actually, Wallpaper Lady gave the guy and her psychologist another go.  In fact, she found comfort in realizing that holding other people responsible for our feelings is a waste of time and actually drives other people away. 

Wallpaper Lady could see that, since this was a nice guy who liked her, if she’d met his less-than-hoped-for response by telling him how much fun she’d had with the project and pointing out details…maybe even kidded him about being an interior design flop, he’d have enjoyed the trip.  Wallpaper Lady could see that most of the time when other people fail to respond exactly like we’d like them to respond, it’s not because they do not care…but because their brains are trapped in their skulls paying attention to their lives…managing their own anxiety…. the nerve, the absolute nerve of those other people.