Returning to our “television or no television” interchange between the Green and Purple Sisters-in-law. (See “Television, Smellavison”)
Green Sister-in-law: “My husband and I choose not to have a television in our house. We want our children to spend more time reading.”
Purple Sister-in-law: “Really? I’ve heard kids who grow up without the opportunity to watch television are the kids who end up with the problems.”
Now you are the Green Sister-in-law. How do you respond to your sister-in-laws suggestion that your decision to not have a television in your house means you’re children are doomed?
Let’s just put your Emotional Guidance System in charge: “We’re do not have a television because we (unlike less wonderful parents) place our children’s needs ahead of our needs. What’s wrong with America is that parents have used television as a babysitter. Children who have the easy option of turning on the idiot box will not develop into adult readers. Not having a television means our family will eat meals together which is the time you can truly communicate with your children. The reason childhood obesity is such a problem is because of children watching television for hours every day without moving. Most parents wish they had our courage to resist having a television in their home.”
Fun, right?
Now, let’s invite the Thinking Guidance System. Think of the conversation as a tennis match. Once you served (you did that by making the original statement), the ball may be returned lightly or more competitively. In our situation, our sister-in-law opted for a straight shot. {Oh, I know. She would say, “Gee, I was only repeating what I’d heard….somewhere.” She’s correct. Yet, when relaxed, most of us do not usually (I hope) respond to our sister-in-law’s announcement she’s trying a new way of doing things by shooting holes in her plan.}
Your Thinking Guidance System recognizes you still have a choice in how you respond. If you’re totally relaxed, her potshot will land softly, the way a tennis ball hits a bed sheet blowing on a clothes line. You will smile and say something like, “Who knows about these things? For three decades we were told margarine was better for us than butter and that turned out to be whacky.”
And, now, perhaps we can lob the tennis ball gently back and forth. We can do this because we’ve realized we’re not playing in the finals of the French Open…we’re chatting with a person important to us. We realize there’s no need to convince our sister-in-law of anything. This is not life and death. It’s a chat.
The Emotional Guidance System is that part of us urging decisions based on anxiety. (The EGS is telling us IT IS VERY IMPORTANT THAT OTHER PEOPLE AGREE WITH US.)
The Thinking Guidance System is that part of us urging decisions based on facts. (The TGS is telling us that while it would be nice, convenient, and lovely, even, for other people to agree with us, convincing others of our position isn’t the most important element in a conversation.)
Next: How I Learned Everything I Know From Ann Landers.
