Comedian heard in a channel surf (Sorry I can’t give you her name, she’s funny): “Researchers say Cable television causes violence……Well, yeah….when it goes out.”
Featured Content: ANXIETY HAPPENS: WHAT WORDS set you OFF?…WHO’S WORDS set you OFF?
Encountering the “Devil in the Blue Bathing Suit” led me to thinking about how anxiety travels from one person to another person or a group. Think about anxiety like a poof of highly charged air. We cannot see anxiety on the move between people, but we can certainly see (and feel) when our anxiety level goes higher.
The occurrence and transfer of anxiety are natural processes, not pathology. So, lighten up on judging yourself while we have a little fun peeking at our human nuttiness.
Example—
Green Sister-in-law: “My husband and I choose not to have a television in our house. We want our children to spend more time reading.”
Purple Sister-in-law: “Really? I’ve heard kids who grow up without the opportunity to watch television are the kids who end up with the problems.”
What’s happened here? (Have you secretly already picked a side?….Hee…hee…hee…Signals real trouble, my friend. Come with me…)
Part One—How Green Sister-in-Law’s Statement Stimulates Purple (responding) Sister-in-Law’s Anxiety
Green Sister-in-law, with her declaration, tapped into the anxiety system of Purple Sister-in-law. How do you know? When relaxed and non-defensive, most of us have the judgment to stay out of the other person’s business. Purple Sister-in-law, when calm, would recognize that her hearsay is not critical to the interaction. She might even ask Green Sister-in-law a true question about how she came to her decision.
Note– The following are not true questions: “Why would you do something like that?” “What’s wrong with television?” “How come your kids don’t read?” “Haven’t you seen the good stuff on television?” “What about the History Channel? The Discovery Channel?” “What’s wrong with letting children watch television?”
There are exceptions to anxiety infection: If the relationship between the sisters-in-law is open, if each has a well-differentiated self (Yikes, what’s that? Stay tuned.) and is able to consider different points of view without becoming anxious…and has a solid sense of humor about how nutty we humans are…it’s possible that the discussion could take off in a lively, non-anxious process.
That’s the ideal. That kind of hoo-hah ain’t the way my family works. Sunday dinners close to elections edge up on warfare not fitting the occasion.
How can you tell when your Emotional Guidance System has been hooked by the declaration of another person?
Physical symptoms: tense muscles, headache, sudden desire to eat, drink, and escape.
Emotional symptoms: You’re judgment goes down. Which means: you are less likely to be successful in staying out of the other’s business; you will be more likely to exaggerate the importance of your position; you are more likely to feel competitive; you are more likely to seek others to agree with you, (which is why “relationship therapy can result in worse relationships with family and spouse); and, you are more likely to switch from the issue (television or no television) to noticing, and perhaps informing others, of the “problems” the person who made the declaration has.
If your reactivity is a finely tuned instrument….Your switch from the issue to the person will take the form of directly attacking the declarer. “You are always making impulsive decisions…You’re still a hippie, aren’t you?….You’re crazy….Mother said you were going to turn out like this….It’s because you can’t manage your children, isn’t it?….Just because you don’t have a television doesn’t make you better than other people.”
Ah, yes. Anxiety happens. The battle waits…thinly veiled in holiday invitations…in phone calls…the anxiety bug awaits….anytime, anywhere.
Next: Part 2. The next move in the interaction. In other words: Will Green Sister-in-law respond anxiously to Purple Sister-in-law’s comment that children who grow up not watching televion are the ones with the problems? …
