I’ll be inhabiting my National World Headquarters Hilton, and speaking at the Emeral Coast Writers’ Conference in Ft. Walton Beach, Florida…April 10 & 11.
Florida, Emerald Coast Writers’ Conference
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Monthly Archives: March 2010
No Shirt, No Shoes, Pajamas…No Problem
The more things you take personally, the less enjoyable your life is going to be.
Your Emotional Guidance System…exaggerates how much other people’s choices actually affect you.…I am reminded of the wife who prayed when leaving the house with her husband driving…that their car would at no time be behind a woman in an SUV talking on a cell phone….Because, should Fate be so unkind…the tone of the outing would be sacrificed to a rant on the downfall of society.
Your Thinking Guidance System is able to distinguish between events passing over your life like puffy clouds in the clear blue sky…and events truly affecting you….such as a piano falling on your car.
Dateline: Dallas, Hilton International Headquarters…Substation
The next Jessica LeFave mystery will include inside travel tips, Mysteryshrink style, on how to enjoy yourself in Las Vegas. Someone should benefit from all the mistakes I’ve bumbled into. ….Not that I would complain. Not for a second.
Here’s an early bonus travel tip: When people show up for breakfast in the hotel dining room dressed in their pajamas….you might want to bump up what you’re willing to pay per night. Now, I’m the first to say, I wish I were more flexible. Having no standards would be absolutely yummy. I wish I could be as cheery as the wife and mother of the Pajama Family…who appeared perfectly okay with her husband trotting across the dining room in flip-flops and a kid’s discarded Winnie the Pooh bathrobe cinched over…but, not quite concealing…his boxers…. Who knows what kind of trauma I caused the children requiring them to give up the jammies and comb their bed hair before eating in restaurants. And, no matter how much my Thinking Guidance System repeats that a negligee and fuzzy slippers shouldn’t be an issue….I don’t know that I could test out the proposition.
At this sub-genre of Hilton products, the Pajama family parades back and forth from the far wall to the buffet…buffet to the wall table…occasionally yelling out orders to whichever of the clan is elbow deep sorting through the bacon bin.
Bonus Pre-view Travel Tip: When a hotel-like facility promises a ‘complimentary hot breakfast’ and your fellow diners show up in pajamas, you can expect two things for sure. One: When a restaurant feels a need to add the word ‘hot’ to the term ‘breakfast’ this is best translated as—“Stuff will be defrosted and micro-waved for you.” And, “No room service, but feel free to roll out of bed and schlep to the breakfast table without any concern regarding whether or not the sight of you in your makeshift coverings is killing the appetites of the other guests.”
I know. The ads spin these issues, saying that such places are ‘homey’; that when you stay with them you are ‘one of the family’. Well, this is not an appealing concept to someone who’s played Omaha in the summer and made last minute reservations.
This concept would perhaps work, if the guests treating the hotel as ‘home’ was a set of those constantly recurring young couples making romantic comedies…and the perky pair trotted in all trim, modeling European designer pajama ensembles. But, alas, most of us aren’t haunted by either the paparazzi or modeling contracts…thus ’pajama casual’ isn’t likely to take off.
Speaking for my family’s likelihood of being welcomed in public in our pj’s, I’ll quote my sister regarding the time a cousin, lost in a back-to-nature illusion….an illusion based on her experience living in a tent during a lengthy stretch of unemployment….The cousin informed us that a nude wedding was planned and we were invited. My sister responded: “No, thanks. I see my family members in clothes on a regular basis….and, given what I’ve seen so far, I have no desire to see any of them naked.”
Yes, whatever we pay attention to grows larger.
What you notice and focus on in the world…and ‘yes’ you do have a choice…grows bigger and what you leave alone…doesn’t. The next entry, “Texas Psychologist Freaks Out in Oklahoma Motel Incident,” will fill in a few details on how to trash an evening and frighten farm folks in town for the rodeo by focusing on the less than perfect features of a festive motel room…
How to Respond to a Complaint…
Complaining person: “I don’t don’t WHY she….”
Response: “I don’t either. I did hear a song today…’God is great. Beer is good….And, people are crazy.’ (Billy Currington)…and I’m thinking he has a point.”
Are You a Bitcher or a Whiner?, Annoying, Part 2
Are you a Bitcher or a Whiner? (either gender can be either).
One of the best ways to fool your ever-ready, first line of defense, Emotional Guidance System is to learn to play with the little devil. If you can laugh at your own at your own anxiety management methods…I mean….when they’re funny….even though when you are full force into convincing the world of the undeserved pain in your situation…you can win.
Because winning is not some big prize, it’s not even lots of money or the number one goal of third graders in 2009–fame. It’s really not. It’s the journey. That’s all you have. All I have. How funny are we?
As a “fun with anxiety” starting point, it’s critically important (ha) to determine if you are a Bitcher or a Whiner. Which one of the following sounds like you?
If you have issues with your new supervisor. Do you:
Ask aggressive questions, such as, “Where does she get off saying that?” “Just what kind of goddess does she think she is?” Point out any weaknesses he or she has. Make sweeping statements such as, “What she said is a load of crap! I don’t need this kind of treatment. This whole project is ridiculous!” Get physical, slamming doors and throwing paper wads at the can without trying for two points. Get physical, feel your face redden and your heart speed up. Start listing the way you’re more qualified than your supervisor. Exclaim that you shouldn’t have to put up with such incompetence (though, of course, you’re only trying to help the entire team). Describe previous better supervisors.
Or, do you?
Get nasal and list other areas of your life that aren’t going well. Get physical, feel a headache coming on. Focus more on your pain and how you have been treated unfairly than on the faults of the supervisor. Compare how you are treated compared to others…Mama always did like you best. Get physical, and share how tired you are. Slip in to yesteryear, and how you should have finished the degree you wanted in ________, but you didn’t because _________wasn’t supportive, you didn’t have enough time, other people had more money, were better looking, smarter, and caught all the breaks.
You think the room is too warm. Do you?
Stand up and rip off any outer layers, heaving a sigh heard by everyone. State over and over that the room is too hot and that you shouldn’t have to put up with the inconvenience. Pick up nearby folder and frantically fan your face as if saving your life. Mention you’re pretty sure whoever is in charge is purposely keeping the room too warm because he/she is an absolute jackass.
Or do you?
Leave outer layers on, heaving many, sad sighs. Mention to those around that you think you’re coming down with something. Say you’d like to take off your sweater but you don’t want to hurt your cousin’s feelings…the one in Illinois who gave you the sweater….add that you don’t know why no one ever bothers to give you thoughtful Christmas gifts when they spend so much time finding perfect gifts for everyone else. Mention you’re pretty sure whoever is in charge is purposely keeping the room too warm because he/she doesn’t care about other people’s comfort.
You have the idea. Really, give your style some thought. If you really want to have some fun…Ask someone close to you to rate whether you are more of a Bitcher or a Whiner. Oh, of course, I know you don’t really ever complain….
Complaining on Hold…
Complaining Side-tracked.
Dateline: Chicago, Hilton World Headquarters Branch.
Here’s what happened. My computer died. It even made a sound. What I want to know is why?
Because things like this…inconveniences…shouldn’t happen to me. Especially shouldn’t happen to me when I’m leaving for a trip. After only 200,000 hours on this Japanese jewel of perfection…it just quits. What am I supposed to do now? Life today is too hard. Kids today….
Oh, sure, I could come down here to the business center to use a computer, but that is awfully inconvenient. I shouldn’t have to leave my room. I shouldn’t have to wait for the slow hot water in this hotel, a sore point I wouldn’t mention if the maid hadn’t tucked the sheets in so tightly I pulled a shoulder muscle and need to soak. Now that I think back, I think I bought the wrong computer to start with. Not my fault, the sales guy when I bought the computer just couldn’t shut up about Toshiba was the laptop to buy. Why did he take advantage of me? I shouldn’t have bought Japanese. There’s a Japanese fast food place back home and their food is undercooked and their spices are awful. Japanese food tastes bad. What kind of idiot eats Japanese food?
Sure. I’ll get another computer, brand new, all shiny and super-fast. But that’s just one more disaster in the making. Now I have to reload my files…what a mess…and a new operating system. Learning a new system so soon after the Vista debacle is ridiculous. I shouldn’t have to change….anything ever.
Part 2 of How to Annoy Absolutely Everyone diverting anxietty into negativity and complaining…. will return when these uncomfortable, inconvenient, and completely ridiculous events stop ruining my day.
Say what? Me? Oh, no, I’m not complaining…I’m….
How to Be Annoying, Part 1
On Being Annoying, Part 1
One of the funny elements about complaining as a way of managing anxiety…is that when someone points out we’re complaining or being negative, we actually DENY we’re complaining at all. I mean, that’s funny. We people are funny.
*Woman A: “The way the seating is arranged in this restaurant is really stupid.”
*Woman B: “There you go, complaining.”
*Woman A: “No I’m not. I just think they could do what they are doing better.”
**Man: “I bet your sister is going to bring that slimy carrot and orange Jello salad, again.”
**Woman: “There you go, being negative before we even get there.”
**Man: “I’m not being negative, I just making the observation that your sister has brought the same disgusting salad to every meal since I’ve been in the family.”
Or my personal favorite ‘gripe and deny’ method—
***Woman: “I can’t believe you wore that to the party.”
***Man: “There you go, being negative.”
***Woman: “No, I’m not. I’m just trying to help.”
Variations on the Complaining Re-direct include:
Person A: “There you go being negative.”
The ‘Popeye Response’: “I y’am the way I y’am.” or, The Competitive Complaining Response: “You’re the one keeping me awake last night going on about your sister.”
Part Two on Complaining as a way of Annoying People … will give you the chance to determine your dominant complaining method. For now, let’s understand how negative remarks change our lives. Remember we people are not just funny, we are predictable. We move toward positive experiences; we move away from punishing experiences.
Let’s say each of us is surrounded by a bubble of atoms or air we’ll call our atmosphere. Our ‘atmosphere’ often overlaps with others so that we have sort of a couple or a group ‘atmosphere’. Each word and expression has a plus or minus quality that jiggles the atoms either in a ‘feel better’ way or a ‘feel worse’ way. Or, think of the ‘atmosphere’ as having a plus or minus rating on a graph, such as the kind used to follow the ups and downs of a stock. Every expression, every word, ticks the line on the graph up or down…sometimes a little, sometimes a lot.
This means, as we study the art of negativity further, we can choose how to affect the systems of which we are a part. Our Emotional Guidance System, however, does not agree. That wimpy tyrant exaggerates the influence of others… “You made me depressed, angry, and complaining.” And minimizes personal choice…. “After he complained about me, I did what I had to do. I drove my motor cycle into a ditch.”
Note: Okay, I hear you five star complainers out there already saying: “But whyis the ambience, the ‘feel’ of my relationship altered just because I point out a problem?…It shouldn’t be….He should be tougher….No one should be bothered by what I say….Oh, and you shouldn’t be correcting me. You should be paying more attention to your own negative behavior.” …….All of which is COMPLAINING, by the way.
Could we humans be any funnier?
Since complaining…that someone is complaining….is actually complaining….
I Came…I Saw…I Complained…and complained…and complained.
This is to kickoff a series on habitual ways of dealing with stress that drive people away from you. Going negative is one of our favorites was to attempt to deal with anxiety. The first is the art of being negative…. Remember those two guidance systems (See previous on anxiety.)
The goal of your Emotional Guidance System is to get rid of pesky anxiety. Complaining, or seeing the downside, is very popular with Emotional Guidance Systems…
And, we come by the art of negativity naturally. Remember, we’re not about talking pathology here….We’re talking about behavior and thoughts we all have. Though…diagnosing everyone…seeing all their problems…that would be a major way a person could calm herself down. Hey, maybe there’s a profession in pointing out other people’s problems…Oops.