The ‘Waitress Having a Bad Day’ Incident

Posted on November 29, 2009 by mysteryshrink

Dateline: Hilton Branch Office, Las Vegas, Nevada. For lead in to this post see “When Does Escaping Anxiety Work?”

Setup: It is the last night of a several day trip during which I have been involved with others up and down the Strip, fun, but now I’m tired and looking forward to a couple of nights on my own off Strip in more luxury. It’s three in the afternoon and, as I drag my luggage on the monorail, I’m thinking fondly of my upcoming lovely late lunch with my computer at Hilton’s Paradise Café.

I arrive at the hotel, dump my luggage and head for the Paradise Cafe. It’s closed until five. I pace outside, occasionally waving at cafe staff readying to open. I’m the first one in, and ‘yes’ I could sit in the perfect booth. Ahhh. I flipped open the computer and studied the menu. I would have the shrimp cocktail and fried shrimp. I was ready for a couple of hours of editing and seafood…what everyone looks forward to in Vegas, right?

(For more ideas on what to do in Las Vegas,see the Tourist Tips coming out with Jessica LeFave’s next adventure….What? Are you thinking that anyone who’d think seafood and computer for two hours represents a good time in Vegas couldn’t possibly have any juicy ‘Tourist Tips’?…There’s a whole section on ‘How to Spot and Follow a Call Girl’, so there.)

But, alas, my joy in the perfect booth with shrimp x two was not to be. The waitress stepped up to my booth, glared at my computer, and mentioned she’d seen me lurking around waiting for the Cafe to open and didn’t appreciate it….since, to her, the café opening signaled her return to a life of angry, indentured servitude. I stayed on task. I ordered the shrimp cocktail and the fried shrimp, asking her if she could wait on putting in the fried order for a while.

“Do What?” the displeased waitress asked. “You want me to do what?” I repeated my outrageous request. She said, “What did you think I was going to do? You ordered a shrimp cocktail. I will bring you your shrimp cocktail and at that time I will place your entrée order.”

Well pooty. I’m disappointed with the atmosphere, but then I’m an approval freak. And, heck, I must have learned something from teaching all those anxiety management classes…I control what goes on inside my chest cavity….I couldn’t possibly be so ‘pourous’ that one unhappy waitress who clearly hates me and everyone like me….could put a blip in my day…”

The less than wonderful-for-twenty dollars shrimp cocktail arrives. Then, three minutes laterthe fried shrimp show up…in a BASKET…tiny little things, like fried catapillers crawling on a pile of soggy fries. Okay. Boo. Hiss. What to do? What to do? Does mysteryshrink manage her anxiety and make the best of the situation? Does making the best of the situation result in food poisoning and a basket phobia?

I looked inside my head for direction. Both my ‘feelings’ and my ‘thoughts’ begged to direct my behavior. Which side won?

Do You Suffer From Hypotrichosis? Oh No!

Posted on November 27, 2009 by mysteryshrink

What could be worse than this new ‘disease’? What is this epidemic, no this plague, not until now identified? Up to now, the ugly disease whose name good people could not even speak was known as ”I don’t have as many eyelashes as I would like…” (hypo, meaning ‘not enough’ and trichosis meaning ‘hair’…I mean, if you can handle all this complicated medical stuff.)

You go to the doctor, you get a prescription… also you might want to check out those clinics offering cosmetic surgery on your feet…and if you’re short on funds for treating your horrid hypotrichosis…from what I can tell (I’ve had a virus and watched way too much tv.) the best way to get some cash is to switch your car insurance…these companies are promising cash all over the place.

When Does Escaping Anxiety Work?

Posted on November 22, 2009 by mysteryshrink

The way I see it, each of us has plenty of uncomfortable situations we cannot, and actually, do not want to avoid. Situations and relationships that our BEST THINKING tells us we’d better grow up and manage ourselves, if we are to have a long and positive life.

The situations requiring us to “get over it” and manage our anxiety are many, including physical illness and discomfort (yep, we all get sick)…aging (yep, that, too, even if hours at the gym and a little help from the surgeon delays reality)…friends who are not at their best, anxious family members, the anxiety that comes with learning new skills or meeting new people, war, elections, colonoscopies, dental work…the give and take that makes for a solid long-term marriage…

These situations require us to grow rather than run. And there are plenty of them.

But, then, there’s the occasional uncomfortable situation when we can simply escape rather than grow up. Now, of course, I’d like to be the Buddha, I’d like to say I am now, or think I could at some point in the future be, completely in charge of my anxiety…that I can or hypothetically could…respond to discomfort, criticism, and all the hard parts of reality without experiencing painful anxiety…but that’s not going to happen… it’s a journey…

Given the non-Buddha probability, a little skill in figuring out when you can afford to duck…that is, when ‘ducking’ has no significant long-term downside….and when ‘ducking’ an unpleasant situation is going to come back to bite you…or peck you.

Which situations can you afford to ‘escape’ or ‘make go away’ with money or a little extra slippery effort?

Example: When you are on a full flight and an unusually tall or expansive person is assigned the seat next to you…this is one of those situations you’re best off to call on your skills of managing anxiety.

However, if you are seated in an uncrowded movie theater and an unusually tall person sits down in front of you, all that’s necessary to relieve your discomfort is a little extra effort on your part.

Of course, your move could still tie you in a knot if you’re not at the theater alone and the other person disagrees with your decision to move… or takes the moment to recite all the ways you are too demanding. In this situation your decision to escape has sparked an anxiety in your movie-going pal. If you and your movie-going pal had an argument on the way to the movie, or if your movie-going pal is hungry, the counter-move, sometimes called a ‘change back’ move can be more intense.

Last night I had one of those ‘tall guy sits in front of you at the movies’ events occurred. And a chance for an example was born.

Right there in the glitz of Las Vegas. Yes, even Vegas is no more than fodder for the struggle between the Emotional Guidance System and the Thinking Guidance System….Maybe Las Vegas was the place the Emotional Guidance System was born.

Next Las Vegas, the Playground of the rich and anxious….and the just anxious.

Best Thinking in Vegas

Posted on November 19, 2009 by mysteryshrink

T-Shirt caption: If you can’t be happy in life, can you at least work on making it less miserable for the rest of us?

The ‘Go Along Lady’

Posted on November 18, 2009 by mysteryshrink

Dateline: Las Vegas, Pyramid Restaurant in the Luxor Hotel. And, yes, if you are in the group of four sitting with your backs to me…still in your evening-out garb from last night… First, let me say, you look lovely…and, ‘yes’, I am eavesdropping.

The Self Designed Life: The effort to have more and more of your decisions based on the FACTS as you know them…and to have your decisions determined less and less by EMOTIONAL PRESSURE from others or from within yourself (your own fears and anxieties).

What’s better than a clear physical example of making a decision based on keeping the other person calm? We return now to the ‘GO ALONG LADY’. (see Friendly Persuasion…)

Go Along Lady has four children, a husband, a sister who’s a Congresswoman, a mother-in-law who is disappointed that her son married a girl from a working class family, and an extra forty pounds haunting her every second. Why are these details important?

Because the less comfortable we are with the people around us, or more correctly stated…the less comfortable we are managing the judgments of others… the more unlikely it is that we will do whatever is needed to keep from rocking the boat.

Mysteryshrink Quick Shot: Once in a land close by, very close…a slightly overweight woman in my office was describing stress she was experiencing, teaching school and keeping up the house. I asked, “What happens if you let the house go for awhile?” ….She explained, “I can’t. It’s okay to be messy and thin, but it’s not okay to be messy and fat.”

Now, back to Go Along Lady. On the Sunday morning she describes to me, the family has arrived late to church, again. (Hey, four kids and a crabby mother-in-law and she still tries?…I’d be hearing services through a prison public address system.) Go Along Lady and her husband distribute the children in their respective Sunday school classrooms and reconnect in the hall to head for the Cathedral.

Which is when Go Along betrayed herself. “I have to make a pit stop at the bathroom,” she says. “I can join you inside, or if you want to wait, I’ll just be a sec.”

“I think it’s important for us to go in together and not be late,” her husband countered. Go Along Lady didn’t THINK walking in together was important and didn’t THINK being late would be a true problem. Go Along tried again, “Thirty seconds…I can be out…I don’t mind coming in and looking for you…or sitting in the back and meeting you after the service.”

He said: “It’s important to be a part of the church service as a couple. It’s embarrassing to have you in the Cathedral poking around looking for me.”

NOTE: Which person is ‘right’ or ‘more right’ is not the issue. Maybe at this particular church couples who do not come in together are assessed large fines. Maybe when one spouse has to look for the other inside the church, the choir bursts into chastising West Side Story music. You can argue these points endlessly and the answers DO NOT MATTER. What matters is the person’s ability to THINK through the scenario and make a decision in line with their BEST THINKING….which is often a BEST GUESS.

In the case of Go Along Lady, she chose to pass up the pit stop in order to keep her husband calmed down. Suffering a full bladder would be easier than going through an hour of pouting. Midway through the service, her bladder screaming…Go Along Lady…decided that NEXT TIME she would make the choice that made the most sense for her.

And she had a new goal…now she was interested in learning how to manage her anxiety when her husband was displeased with her choice. NOTE! Nowhere did she decide he was wrong and she was right… and she should either MAKE HIM UNDERSTAND or GET HIM TO CHANGE his preferences.

Friendly Persuasion Can Take Your Life

Posted on November 17, 2009 by mysteryshrink

The ‘Woman Who Didn’t Stop at the Bathroom’ Incident–

Dateline: Willie’s Place, I-35 between Dallas and Austin. If I can’t get a grip at Willie’s Place, I might as well just jerk that license off the wall and give up the pretense.

Hail to those of you tagging along on this rickety journey toward growing up just a wee little bit. Now, friends, we begin an examination of HOW MUCH of WHO WE ARE is the result of CHOICE and how much is no more than our automatically acting and re-acting in TO KEEP OTHER PEOPLE CALMED DOWN.

Figuring out when we are using our BEST THINKING and when we are doing the please CALM DOWN JIG is not an easy task. Because the EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM is not just a big fat liar, the EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM is tricky. U

Sometimes we make a choice against what we think…we say “Yes” when we mean “No” (this usually involves some sort of volunteering) or “No” when we mean “Yes” (This often involves FEAR).

We react automatically …because we pick up on the choice an important other person wants us to make….and the relief of going along FEELS like we’ve made a thoughtful choice. Example: a woman says to her husband, “I have decided to take up mountain biking.” The husband says, “What?”and proceeds to outline the costs, dangers, and generally neglect of others…should the woman persist with the mountain biking idea.

For a while she struggles. Then she gives up the idea. The tension in the couple goes down. The woman eats a pie and criticizes the man next door for leaving the lid off his trashcan. The whole neighborhood is ruined!

The relief experienced when ‘going along’ FEELS like we’ve made an actual choice. This sort of capitulating may look noble, but there’s nothing brave about deciding that the best way to stay calm yourself is by doing whatever will keep the other person calm.

Of course, after studying the costs, dangers, and time required the woman could have opted out of mountain biking following her own BEST THINKING. I’m just saying the glory of ‘relief’ makes it hard to tell ‘why’ a particular decision is made.

Now, about the woman who thought she needed to make a bathroom stop and over-ruled herself . Oops, here’s my chicken-fried steak. Tune in tomorrow to hear the exciting adventure of ‘Go-Along-Woman.’

Think You’re Having a Bad Day? The “Nail Gun Attempted Suicide Incident”

Posted on November 13, 2009 by mysteryshrink

One way you can tell you are making decisions based on baloney from your Emotional Guidance System is…when…with each step of the process, the bleeding gets worse.

One of the features of being crazy humans is that we do not always…maybe even ‘usually’ do what makes sense. Instead we do something familiar or handy. I’ve been particularly amazed at our consistency in thinking negative or fearful thoughts… and when the first negative doesn’t destroy us…we repeat the procedure…until we’re somewhere below the dumps.

We also have this need to tell other people negative things (opinions) about them or people they care about…and when the first piece of information isn’t convincing…we lay on another…and another. (This is particularly true when talking politics.)

So, as you read about the man below…think of your negative thoughts or statements as big ole long construcktion nails.

Okay, now I’m not absolutely sure of the exact story, but I did hear this one on the radio (which means it’s true, right?). The man in the story gives us an excellent lesson on one way to know when we are making a decision using our Emotional Guidance System.

The story stars a construction worker who was having a pretty good day… until he slipped with the band saw and cut his hand off at the wrist. Seeing the horror of his stump spraying blood in all directions…our construction worker could see no way to go on with life and decided to kill himself …now…He looked around and spotted a nail gun. Two inch nails driven into the body in essential places could do it…He picked up the nail gun and fired one into his forehead…but he didn’t die. He fired a second nail into his forehead. Damn. That shot didn’t end his consciousness. What to do? What to do?

What else? If at first you don’t succeed….He fired a nail into the side of his head…and then two. Then one on the other side of his head…then two. Our hero fired a total of twelve nails into his head before he lost conciousness. But he didn’t die. He woke up after surgery, his hand sewed on, his head nails removed. I suspect his family will never let him forget…oh, the cruel nicknames…

Talk about the Emotional Guidance System running the show…Did it not occur to the man after, say, the eighth nail….that, just maybe, his chosen method of suicide had shortcomings?

Think of focusing on fears and reminding others of their weak suits…as you with the nail gun in your hand…the method doesn’t work…and is really messy.

MysteryShrink

A Psychologist on the Loose

Monthly Archives: November 2009