Monthly Archives: June 2009

Stranger Anxiety….INVASION OF THE CRUISE PEOPLE…

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122270869395wxxhDateline: Seattle Hilton Branch Headquarters.    

Reasonable success is to be reported from the behind the lines attempt to approach a new experience with the Thinking Guidance System a bit ahead of Emotional Guidance System.  In other words, in the attempt to let the facts, rather than fears, direct behavior.

How many experiences have we not tried because we’ve made up scary barriers that do not exist?  Scary people who do not exist?  Who among us hasn’t approached an educational experience–like graduate school, for example–sure we are the only moron who slipped through the entrance requirements?  Personally, I always enjoyed the fantasy that brain surgeons were in a whole different category of brilliance from rest of us.  If someone is opening my skull, I wanted to think that person had something the rest of us didn’t….I especially wanted to believe their Emotional Guidance Systems never got the best of them.  Then I had to put out that marriage counselor shingle and shot the dickens out of that little fantasy. Oh well.

The ”Cruise People Fantasy,” is shared with the hope that the next time you are facing a new situation with new people, you can think of the Cruise People Fantasy and relax.

We were planning a cruise to celebrate our tenth anniversary.  That same summer the girls had a favorite retro show called “The Love Boat” featuring a cruise ship on which wonderful little romances happened. One evening we’re watching an episode which involved a gathering around the ship’s pool….and intermittently discussing what little tidbits we might need to add to our wardrobes before launching ourselves into the cruise people jet set.  The characters on the Love Boat were one hundred percent… women in bikinis and stilettos and men mostly preening in deck chairs with fancy cocktails siting on their  rock-hard abdomens.  Everyone had great hair and walked with grace. 

We studied the people around the Love Boat pool and concluded that investing in those expensive bathing suit covers was definitely called for.

Now picture what people on a cruise really look like.  Yep.  You got it. 555320_kitten  We’re everyone of us…nuts.  Have a school reunion coming up?  Remember the Cruise People Fantasy and go forth.  And, don’t underestimate the value of a swimsuit cover.

Can People Change? Behind the Battlelines

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soldierdreamstime_9029015I’m going in.

Teaching children with cerebral palsy to ride horses presented many challenges.  One I always remembered was when the child’s skills had advanced to the point she was ready to jump, I’d present the good news, then set a cross-bar.  Often my student would shrink back, saying she wasn’t ready, she was too afraid.  I’d insist, even urging the horse from behind if needed.  I’d explain…and this was a fact born of experience…that I’d push her forward even when she didn’t believe she was ready because I’d taught many students through this stage and… each and every one survived and was happy to have made it over that first jump, no matter how messy.

Now the truth was, in my head I’m thinking… “Take a jump on a horse chosen because he’s safe, a horse maybe not even awake?  You’ve got to be kidding!”  But I’d push, they’d limp over, and all ended up happy.

Often when I’m talking with someone in my office about working on managing anxiety, the picture comes back of the student rider on the ancient steed, and how I expected the rider to do what I didn’t have to do.

Thus, today…I’m going in behind the lines.  I’m going to knock the spider webs off my Thinking Guidance System and see if I can loosen up a self-defeating habit.

The Mission: Infiltrate a group of unknown people and function with an open heart and open mind.

To stretch…instead of allowing my (self protective) Emotional Guidance System’s warnings to run the show:  “You don’t have anything in common with these people.”  ”Just get in and out as quickly as possible, don’t obligate yourself or you will be sorry.”  And the biggee:  ”What if everyone there is a genius, is model thin, actually has spiffy coordinated outfits with scarves and big purses with designer buckles, drives a Bentley, has a house in the South of France, is a perfect wife who cooks and actually decorates her house instead of using the space to collect stuff from Mexico, is a great sister, a medal-winning mom, an acclaimed writer with a has a killer New York agent…What if?

Full Report to come.

You Can Change Self Defeating Habits

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gorilladreamstime_951356On the notion of finding (even welcoming) an opportunity to break the habit of  ‘push-pull’ power struggles over who is ‘right”… I can report two successes today, one mine and one my spouse’s.  And neither was easy.

Remember, acting out the need to be right is the body’s automatic self-defense (the Emotional Guidance System), the automatic action to rid ourselves of the anxiety that comes with not being seen as ‘right’.

The first occurred when a song came on the radio and my spouse said, “Who wrote that song, do you know?”

Sounds innocent, right?  Never.  If a person asks you a question like that, isn’t he obligated to accept my answer?… Well, apparently not. 

I said, “Hank Williams.”… He said, “No, I think it was Lefty Frizzell.”  (Okay, hold back on the disbelief and laughter on the age and music of reference.)  I say, “That’s not even possible because Hank Williams sang that song and he was dead before Lefty Frizzell started singing.” (I’m pretty smug at this point. And, by the way, I am RIGHT.)  He says, “No, I’m pretty sure you’re wrong on this one.”  (I know!  He’s the one who asked me!)… Now comes the big moment.  I felt the rise and fall of my chest, exasperated with the lack of cooperation of my listener….and then… I actually thought:  Hey, this is my chance!  Then I said, “I do think it was Hank Williams, but could be I’m not right on that.”

Yea!

A few minutes later, I was backing out of a tricky spot when my spouse said, “Come on back, you’re clear on this side.”  I said, “I don’t feel comfortable when I can’t see where I am.”  I pulled forward and repositioned.  “I’m telling you, you have plenty of room.  Why don’t you just trust me?” he asked.  I said, “It’s not that I don’t trust you, I’m just paranoid about this and I’d rather take it slow.  I know I probably overdo it, but that’s the way I’m comfortable.”  He says, “I don’t get you… (pause)… Then he said, “There’s no reason you have to back up my way.  I’m sorry.  I should just let you drive when you’re driving.”  He said this.  He really did. 

Doesn’t matter that I’m talking about two psychologists with years of training and experience.  This stuff is hard.

Only One of Us Can Be Right, Right?

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argudreamstime_1421071

The Air Conditioning Controversy that Ended True Love

Our Emotional Guidance System is designed to rid us of anxiety.  Differences of opinion often, maybe even usually, generate anxiety.  Thus our Emotional Guidance Systemwill do whatever is necessary to obliterate differences of opinion.  The simplest method of disposing with differences of opinion is to insist on DUALISTIC thinking.  That is….Either I am right and you are wrong or….You are right and…naah…that’s unthinkable.

A woman was dating a fellow she really liked and he seemingly felt the same.  As they were leaving her house for their fifth date,

The lady paused and said, “Wait. I need to go back and turn up the air-conditioning.”

He said, “How high do you turn your air-conditioner up?”

She said, “I put it on eighty degrees.”

He said, “Eighty? Really?  I’ve heard that it’s actually harder on the system to turn it up that far, that it costs more to re-cool the house when you return, than if you’d just left the temperature down.”

She said, “That makes no sense at all.”

He said, “Well, actually, what I read was… etc.”

She said, “Ridiculous.  Do you believe everything you read?”

He said, “Ha.  Where are you getting your information?”

The rest isn’t hard to imagine.  The relationship ended without a fifth date.  Challenge:  To promote the development of the Thinking Guidance System, find at least one sticky situation today in which someone holds a different opinion, and allow the difference to ‘be’.  Strategy:  Have a freeing phrase handy such as, “That’s what makes for horseraces.”  Or, “That’s one of the things I like about working here, we’re not all alike on every issue.”  Or, “I guess none of us knows what we would really do if we were in someone else’s situation.”

Sometimes it helps to remember that each person has a right to their opinon.  I know, I don’t really buy it, either.  Secretly I believe that the only reason my spouse does not agree with me on absolutely everything is simply that I have not repeated myself often enough.  That one day, I’ll say, “You know, if you’d didn’t feed Crazy Dog from your plate, she’d be a more pleasant dinner companion.”  And, he’ll say, “Wow, you’re right.  I can’t believe I’ve been so thick-headed all these many years….Got any other ideas on how I can improve my life?” 

How to Ruin Everything

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disasterdreamstime_9355357How can you ruin everything…before anything thing even happens?  What are the thoughts you use to prepare yourself for the day?

Dateline:  Jim’s Restaurant Local International World Headquarters

Event:  More shameless eavesdropping.  Remember the E-Harmony Lady…(See April 1…”Guts, the e-Harmony Lady”)…

E Harmony Lady is amazing because instead of allowing her Emotional Guidance System to clog up the highways of her life…even though her figure doesn’t fit the American ideal…she puts herself out there, day after day.  Had her Emotional Guidance System been in charge…terrifying her with images of what terrible things ‘could’ happen… slide shows of potential humiliations…no way she’d keep trying.  But e-Harmony lady listened to her Thinking Guidance System telling her just the facts:  “If you don’t put yourself out there and meet people, you have no chance of making a match or finding a new friend.” and “Nothing really horrible can happen.  You can always walk away. It’s not a disaster unless you decide to make it one.”

Now the other side of the human guidance network.  Today, e-Harmony lady isn’t in her booth behind me.  Instead two ladies between 40 and 50, one in a yellow polo shirt and the other in a denim jacket, are sharing lunch. 

Yellow Polo Shirt says:  “It’s June….I guess you know what that means.”

Demim Jacket:  “Your anniversary’s coming up?”

Yellow Polo Shirt:  “Our 31st, in two weeks.  And I can tell already he’s not going to do anything special.  He remembers, and he’s already avoiding me.”

DJ:  “He hasn’t said anything?”

YPS:  “Of course not.  If he did, then he’d know I’m noticing, which he does already, and he’s ignoring me.  Thirty-one years and he treats our marriage like it was nothing.”

DJ:  “That’s how men are.  No deep feelings.  Sometimes I think Ben is sorry he’s married.  He treats his dogs better than he treats me.”

YPS:  “I just know he’s going to act all surprised on the day of our anniversary.  The way he’s snaking around now…”

Alternate Strategy:  Take a stack of copy paper.  On each page write variations of:  “If you forget our anniversary [date], I shall be forced to sing “Delta Dawn” in the shower everyday for a year….I love you.”  Tape up notices all over the house. 

 

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She leads with her Thinking Guidance System, making “If you don’t try, it will never happen–” which is a fact … while all the Emotional Guidance System is hawking fears and untruths.

Do you know what today is?    anniversary is coming.  i can tell he doesn’t remember….