The Psychologist, the Movie-Goer, and the Obsessed Stranger, 2

Posted on April 30, 2009 by mysteryshrink

What happens when someone decides they know who you are based on one factor?

“Which is more important? The world of facts, or the world we are responding to?”

“Which is more important? The person we are? Or, the person others think we are?”

Part of the world we are responding to is “what other people think” about us. Keep in mind . . . Our version of ”what other people think,” of course, has little to do with “what other people actually think.”

Note: For now, we’re on how other people “make up who we are”, but no smugness here. Since there’s only one person we can change–our focus on the “other people out there doing crazy things” will be brief. Then we’re back to what we can do about the crazy world by managing ourselves.

Whew. . . . Let’s get back to the darkened theater, the Innoncent Movie-goer and the scary, Obsessed Stranger Lady. We’re not talking a simple encounter. We are talking about what happens when a person decides they know who you are, using one feature, no matter how fleeting. (See previous post for lead.)

The Obsessed Stranger Lady in the movie theater decided that the Psychologist movie-goer had a “mental” or at least a serious “moral” problem. The Innocent Movie-goer kept his opinion to himself, thereby, perhaps, remaining uncategorized in the story. The “Obsessed Stranger Lady came at me out of the darkness . . . not once, but three times. Before the hideous series of encounters were over–If indeed they are. . . .( I do suspect that someone is secretly going through our trash because of the rumors about… oh, never mind)– the Obsessed Stranger Lady asked me if I ever considered other people’s feelings (I thought to be rude, there had to be other people around). . . threatened to have me arrested . . . and topped it off by admitting she “just didn’t understand how anyone could be” like me and live with themselves . . .

The Obsessed Stranger Lady knew only one thing about me. And from observing that one thing (it’s a behavior, not a purple horn or anything coming out of my head) she she . . . she couldn’t get me out of her mind. She was very angry with me. I do not know her. I couldn’t pick her out of a line-up. She’d like to see me in a line-up. Or, in front of a firing squad.

Why? . . . Manana.

The Psychologist, the Innocent Movie-Goer, and the Obsessed Lady, 1

Posted on April 28, 2009 by mysteryshrink

Anyone who says they don’t care what anyone else thinks is lying. So there, we’re all big ole liars. But, hey. Remember, those of us taking the journey with a sense of humor can find ways to survive.

Have you ever had someone make up their mind about you… when they didn’t know anything about you except for one element? Say your size? Your age? Your skin color? Your lack of fashion sense? Your outstanding fashion sense? Your education? Your television preferences? (even though you only mentioned that reality show once and you never watched it again?), Your resemblence to a second cousin in prison? Or maybe the blogs you follow?(Eek!)

What do people think of you? And why? “Which is more important? The world of facts about you? Or the world of made-up beliefs, half-baked opionions about you?”

It’s so confusing. No one agrees what’s important and what’s not. The very people we decide to please, and twist ourselves into pretzels for, turn out to be unreliable. Sheesh. They change what they think of us because they hear one unfortunate story. Or they hear a story in which we are really quite the star, but the listener doesn’t “like” the storyteller and so now they think less of us. Oh, this is so confusing and hard to juggle. Could be a person’s entire opinion could be determined by hunger. I mean I’m over it now, but that twiggy little flight attendant who ran out of almonds just in front of my row… and those rude passengers, gloating and flapping their little foils packs over their heads…

The Psychologist, the Innocent Movie-Goer, and the Obsessed Stranger Lady . . . in the Dark Movie Theater….Manana.

473 Diets in an Hour and a Half

Posted on April 27, 2009 by mysteryshrink

In our consumer culture products are produced–not to be kept as useful–but as fads that really change nothing. Thus, the latest exercise gadget, diet pill, or “secret food” revealed work on repeating inane simplistic promises. The producer knows no real change will occur (something lasting less than six months is not a change), but for a while, a critical period, people will buy the product.

I spent and hour and a half on-line and found 473 Diets. Ladies and gentlemen the problem IS NOT lack of information. The problems have to do with our functioning.

How to Take Care of Yourself

Posted on April 26, 2009 by mysteryshrink

Want to have a good day today? You can. Hold your hands waist high in front of you about four inches apart. Let the fingers curl slightly forming personal vessels. Now imagine a little bird in each hand, bright little eyes, full of life. These birds are “you.”

Imagine these birds are you, maybe one is “heart,” one is “soul.” But they are you, and you are in charge of taking care of them. How will you hold “you” through today?

Kindly, gently? Off and on today they will flutter a little. Will you crush your little bird selves with criticism and fear? “What’s wrong with me? When will I ever get things right? Why don’t I have more self-control. I’m an idiot!”

How forgiving should you be of your bird-selves? What about when your birds are tweeting, even squealing in pain? Should you clamp down then? In pain, those tweety babies will cause the middle finger of your non-driving hand to jump out the car window and wave at a passing driver. Struggling for air, those birdies will have you spreading gossip, trying to get air from others. Some people even make cuts on their birdies.

It’s such a responsibility to be your own best friend. To take care of your birds. It would be nice if we could manipulate someone else into taking over the job of holding our birds. And we try, we audition for feedback, for a lover, a friend, a spouse to take over the job. In a movie titled, “Shopping to Belong,” immigrants talk about consumerism became a lifestyle once they were in the U.S., because “In America, people assume they know everything about you by what you have and what you look like.”

So we should spend our lives buying golden bird shelves, tightening up our little birds’ butts, and spend the time we have left over, decorating our birds?

That’s what our Emotional Guidance System says, because that loser, fear-driven part of our brain is incapable of making choices based on anything except “What if” and exaggeration.

You’re in charge of your little bird’s day. No one else can do it for you, because their “hands are full” of birds.

Our Thinking Guidance System is capable of saying, “Hey, no need to panic little birdies. We’re going to be just fine. Because, I’m in charge.”

Coming: The Incident of the “The Psychologist, Two Movie-Goers, and the Obsessed Stranger. ”

The Blob is Coming. Will the Blob Take You Down?

Posted on April 23, 2009 by mysteryshrink

Down with the Blobs! Stay in charge of you!

In 1958 one of the original horror flicks came out – “The Blob.” In this movie, two teenagers (one of them Steve McQueen) see a streak of light coming to the Earth, as if something from outer space had fallen nearby. They investigate and find a Blob of red waxy material. A man touches the Blob and the Blob begins to devour him. Now the Blob isn’t large compared to the man. It’s about the size of a couple of mushed doughnuts. But, when the Blob attaches, it begins to take whatever it touches into itself and becomes larger.

Imagine that what has landed at the end of that streak of light is a Blob of negativity. Thus, when you are touched by the Blob and the pores in your emotional skin are too open, the Blob will take you over. You no longer can choose the quality of your inner state. You feel what the Blob feels.

In the movie, the Blob takes on whole rooms full of people. In the most famous scene, the Bloboozes through a movie theater smooshing in all the people together in one single way of thinking, or a single huge rolling ball in this case. If you think that can’t happen, think back to the underground shelters and secret storage cellars collected to meet the disaster of 2000. Think of a KKK rally fed by paranoia and hate.

So, here’s the challenge. Can you encounter a Blob person and just flick that sucker off. Can you say, “No thanks. Not buying negative today. Keep rolling, rolling, rolling, right over me. No oozing up with the Blob for me, today.”

Oh, but you say—“Aren’t people whose pores are open the most sensitive people? If by sensitive you mean “unable to stay separate,” then you are talking–not able people with the capacity to feel and care about the suffering of others– but about people who automatically absorb suffering. Absorbing suffering immobilizes and helps no one. Recognizing suffering can change the world.

Okay, how did we get from dodging a monster red Blob to changing the world? Let’s back up to changing our inner world, which will have the effect of changing the world. If you have any doubts, as your special people if you being a more optimistic person would change their life.

Here’s where we get back to the Emotional Guidance System. The most likely Blob you’ll encounter will be that little Torturer on your shoulder, saying things in your ear like, “Who do you think you are? You’re not smart enough, strong enough, attractive enough. Not to mention you’re too tired, frustrated and unlucky to reach your goals. Time to flick that sucker.

Note: Steve McQueen was paid $2500 for his part in the movie.

NOW…BE HERE… NOW

Posted on April 21, 2009 by mysteryshrink

There is a man walking a hard and narrow high mountain path. Below him all sorts of horrors await should he make one false step …tiny flies sting his eyes so desperately he’s tempted to close them and avoid even trying to continue his journey.

The lofty goals he set for himself are now lost in clouds so thick he cannot remember what they are. Why is he even here? What’s the point of one foot in front of the other, and by the way, his feet are hurting. He’s thinking, “I’m too old for this. I’m too fat for this. I think I’m getting a headache which could mean another virus is about to ruin my week.”

He slips. Suddenly, he drops off the side of the mountain. On the way down, his hands grasping as he slides, his fingers close around a branch. Not a strong branch. Not a branch that will last forever, but a branch for NOW.

As he hangs there…. he sees just in front of his face a wild strawberry bush with one strawberry on it. Only one, but it is a perfect strawberry. He picks it, enjoys the rich red color, then takes a bite. Not looking down, not search the mountaintop for rescue, he pops the rest of the strawberry into his mouth. His whole attention is on the wonder of that strawberry.

This is you. That is me. Now.

How to Drive Yourself Insane…

Posted on April 19, 2009 by mysteryshrink

Okay. Now you know the method the evil husband in “Gaslight” used to drive his wife insane, (How to Drive Someone Insane). Now, here’s the catch, the reason that using your ill-gotten knowledge to change the world, won’t help you take over the world or even your household.

Why? No one’s really listening. Other people are too determined to be themselves to take our helpful attempts to change them seriously. While we can, and probably do, add some misery to the lives of those we love, most of them have tuned us out years ago. Our helpful hints on how they could make their life better have become like gnats in countries where gnats swarm so continuously that people no longer flinch. Occasionally, I get someone in my office whose goal is to change their spouse. What they’re wanting from me is, to agree with them on the changes needed, and then talk their spouse into changing– as if I have some sort of magic wand.

Trust me. If I did, my husband would not still insist that separating clothes by color before you wash them is over-rated. And his shoes, which I trip over dramatically daily, even when I must go out of my way to do so, would be in the closet. Sigh.

To make things worse. While our harping doesn’t change other people, our harping on ourselves is not only effective–it is relentless and very successful in scaring us away from life experiences. And while our special others can turn us off, we cannot turn off our own crazy-making critic and this is a really big, life-changing problem. Picture this. That evil husband beautifully personified in the image accompanying the instructions on the how the bad man drove his wife insane… imagine that that little devil is on your shoulder. He’s small. He stands on your shoulder with his mouth even with your ear. And he does to you just what the evil husband did to drive his wife around the bend.

Yes. Each of us comes equipped with our own little Torturer. Your Torturer is the official spokesperson for your Emotional Guidance System.

Your Emotional Guidance System is that part of your mind operating with only one purpose–to rid you of anxiety. And what ‘s not funny is that the yakking of that mean little guy is exactly designed to KEEP YOU ANXIOUS.

Trying to shut up this little guy lead to all sorts of symptoms–eating, not eating, over-drinking, temperance, putting off tasks, taking on too many tasks, over-washing, under-washing, lecturing on politics, over-spending, under-spending, worrying about money, body shape, the future, the past… and on and on.

I haven’t forgotten … Mexico. The opening image is my reminder.

MysteryShrink

A Psychologist on the Loose

Monthly Archives: April 2009