Ouch.  Feelings are crap?  What about love? What about empathy? What about caring about people?  Okay, take a breath.  I’m not talking right now about those feelings.  I’m talking about fear, panic, dread, underconfidence, worry, and self-criticism.  (Sometimes “love” and “empathy” are problems, too.  Such as when we are anxious about another person’s safety, well-being, happiness, or their caring for us–we deny those emotions and attribute our anxiety to love. But, that’s for another day.) (Why I can’t accept comments and why my Twitter doesnt’ work? Also, another day.)

Why are feelings such a problem?  Because “feelings” get hold of our energy, our drive, and, in some case, turn us into difficult people. Feelings spring from BELIEFS WE HOLD THAT ARE NOT TRUE, but seem very real and we will defend them to the death.  At least I will, no matter how many people from how many different countries have to suffer.

Belief One:  When I make a plan, that plan should unfold as I planned.

Belief Two:  When I have said I will be back on the job at a certain time on a certain day, if I do not arrive as promised, the world will never be the same.

These two beliefs form the cornerstone of my philosophy when on holiday.  Thus, on being informed by the American Airlines counter person that the London-DFW flight was delayed due to mechanical problems–I responded as anyone in my position with my beliefs would.  I gasped for breath, asked fourteen insulting questions, then sprinted down to the cafe to fill my spouse in on the HORRIBLE mess we were into. After five minutes or so of my raving, he looked up and said, “Well, there’s nothing we can do about it.   Might as well order some breakfast.”

“What?”    I assumed he couldn’t possibly have comprehended the depth and horror of what I was saying, “This is terrible. Delay in London is not in my PLAN. Who knows how long we’ll be delayed? I’m not going to get enough sleep and I’ll be worn out and I have a bunch of important appointments…you know they aren’t telling us the truth, don’t you?  American Airlines doesn’t care that I have timed my return with great effort.  American does not care about me or you at all, you do realize that?”

“Hmmm…” he says, “maybe we should go ahead and get lunch, it’s close to noon….Those sandwiches over there look pretty good.”

“Sandwiches? What are you, crazy?  How can you even THINK about food? They’re lying to me, I know they are. Don’t you care about what I’m going through? They know we’re going to be sitting here for hours just wasting our lives, but their keeping that a secret so we don’t jump airlines!”

“Oh, yeah,” he says, “I’m sure American Airlines wants to be absolute sure that you get on one of their planes today.”

“That’s not funny!” I go on to describe, in a repeating topic fashion, how what has happened is not AN INCONVENIENCE as he’s pretending. The delay is terrible, awful, I can’t stand it, and American Airlines doesn’t even care!

The point of this is how helpful anxiety-driven catastrophizing “feelings” can be. Ulcers, extra weight, nubby fingernails, arguing, insomnia, and avoidance–don’t come out of nowhere. They must be nurtured by the Unfounded Beliefs touted by the EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM.