I’m an “unabler,” the fella on “Intervention” admitted.
Of course, he meant to say he was an enabler. I like his version better. He was describing the “unabler” as someone who gets rid of her anxiety by taking the other person “off the hook”–paying their bills when they are spending their money on drugs or cars and apartments they cannot afford…for starters.
Bored? http://Twitter.com/mysteryshrink
Enabling is just way we respond because we are “intolerant” of other people being anxious. We are “allergic” the other person being anxious.
Well, guess what? No matter how perfectly we try to arrange our lives and how carefully we try to arrange the lives of others…People we know and love get anxious. Sinking into their EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEMS, they spray anxiety on us. “I can’t do it! It’s not my fault! 
The teacher didn’t tell me! I’m going to miss my plane and then I’m REALLY GOING TO FALL APART. No, it’s hopeless, there’s no way out of total disaster!” they insist. And we are infected. We dive into our own endless pools of EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE. We are stuck trying to get rid of OUR anxiety by ridding them of THEIR anxiety.
If you’re as porous as I am, if the “other” is someone I know, much less love, or care about–(Okay, could be the sacker a the grocery in a bad mood, but he’s really a hard worker)–if the person is someone close, all he has to do is open the morning paper with a “whack” and I’m in there… boom… trying to talk him into having a good day. Just to help him, of course.
The many faces of the please CALM DOWN so I can CALM DOWN routine are too many to cover in one day, but here are a few favorites:
Minimization: “Oh, it’s not that bad.”
The Judge: “You 
caused this to happen, you know.”
Miss Lake Superior: “You know what I WOULD DO…”
The Miss Lake Superior First Runner Up whose response is so enlightening she (ah, yes, our Dr.L) is awarded the tiarra: “I’m not listening to your whining. In the same situation I would not have: EVER MARRIED THAT GUY, GONE ON EVEN ONE DATE WITH THAT GUY, OR SPOKEN WITH A GUY who had a friend whose mother was a smoker or didn’t agree with me…if you had been lucky enough to BE ME, 
you wouldn’t have these worries now, but here you are…so tough.”
We’ll go with these few for now, minimizing, judging, claiming we’d do better in the same situation. Guilt Alert: Remember, if you are reading this, you are probably a person who’s not much of a problem for others and most importantly, you have a capacity to look at YOUR OWN BEHAVIOR. So, pat yourself on the back for having that kind of guts as you catch yourself doing back-flips to calm someone else down because you too, are a little pourous. THE REALLY GOOD NEWS: When we breathe, “Cool air in, Warm air out,” in place of the above routines, we reduce our stress. Along with not being quite such a pain to other people.
. . . ah, Mexico.
Wow, this is the first post I encountered addressing exactly how I respond when my spouse, who suffers anxiety, goes through episodes. As you say it’s “endless pools of EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE” having to do more with calming my own anxiety down. After almost two decades of marriage and 5 years of my own therapy, trying to identify and work on my own ‘porous’-ness, I’m just now realizing this behavior and my role as an enabler.
I do want to try hard to form a different dynamic. Right now, trying to step back actually seems to lead to more anxious episodes. I’m trying to stay strong for my sake and hers.
Other than “cool air in, warm air out”, do you have other resources that may be of help? It seems like there’s an uphill battle to undo so many years of co-dependency but I really want to try.
Great post! Avoidance anxiety is something that is overlooked most of the time. Your post is very informative!