Yeah, But I’m Not Dead Yet!

Posted on February 27, 2009 by mysteryshrink

The easy thing is to get swept up in anxiety. Not just personal fears, but the anxiety all around us. We worry about the Stock Market, and the traffic, and the guy in front of us at the Express Lane, 15 items or less, with at least 19 items. Now IS the teacher not treating our kid right, our kid and how he’s messing up. And then someone, unexpectedly, dies. I know. Serious subject for Mysteryshrink.

When we are kids going through the stage when we comprehend what death means, we’re thinking about the impossibility of surviving the loss of our parents. It hasn’t occurred to us, that even though we’re little, life is still limited. And, furthermore, nothing is guaranteed. Not even tomorrow.

Someone died. Not someone old and not someone in Iraq. Someone who expected to be around this spring. Someone we expected to experience spring with. Someone who was an internist herself and no one ever figured out why she was sick.

The easy way out is depression, not living now–thinking now IS the Stock Market. Thinking now IS what you drive. What you owe. What you weigh. How old you are. What you haven’t done. None of those are what NOW is. NOW is . . . deep, slow breath in saying to yourself or out loud if it won’t get you locked up . . . “COOL AIR IN . . .” NOW is letting it out slowly . . . WARM AIR OUT.”

Think of that little kid that was you at five realizing life wasn’t forever. Did you hear Mysteryshrink chanting quietly outside your window? “If you don’t take life seriously, it’s not worth living. If you ONLY take life seriously, it’s not worth living?”

The EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM screams, “Oh my God, I’m going to die!”

The THINKING GUIDANCE SYSTEM grins and answers, “Yeah, but I’m not dead yet!” Well, I was there, you know, outside your window. Where I’m still lurking . . . heh, heh. Aren’t I? Heh, heh? . . . No, I’m not trying to get out of the ”Mexico Confession” episode . . . otherwise known as the “Why my urge to jump into the television and slap that ‘free triple score.com’ pirate into next week . . . is a bit two-faced on my part,” incident.

A Commitment to Progress

Posted on February 26, 2009 by mysteryshrink

I have to believe that loosening the EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM’S grip on life is as hard for other people as it is for me. (With the exception of Dr. L on the radio who apparently sprung completely emotionally mature and without sin from the forehead of her immaculate father.)

Which takes me to an experience in which I was able to keep my THINKING GUIDANCE SYSTEM in charge most of the time. hy?

Because I had the parents of young physically-challenged children to answer to. I was teaching riding to eight to ten-year-olds with various level of impairment due to cerebral palsy. As it was a hunter-jumper stable, the time for teaching them to jump.

The EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEMS of the children are saying, “I can’t do this, I’m going to hurt myself, Something terrible and awful is going to happen!”

I go over the facts: “One, we are going to start so very small, just a pole on the ground, that the new skill will hardly be different than what you are able to do already.”

“The horse you are riding has done this successfully many times.”

“Two, I’ve worked with many riders at your level, they all were able to do this, and you can to.”

“Three, the worst that can happen is you will fall off, but then you’ve done that before and I’ll be right here.”

And, perhaps most important, “Even though you’re afraid, maybe so afraid that you FEEL LIKE you don’t want to do this, if you can put those fears aside for a minute and give this new skill a try, you are going to be very glad you did.”

And the connection between learning to jump over a pole on the ground and taking a step toward MANAGING ANXIETY better?

1) just a tiny increase from a skill we already have–breathing.

2) others have succeeded in staying calm without imploding.

3) the worst that can happen is still better than not trying.

4) my body and nerves can use the break. So, I’m working on this, and you’re welcome to see how it goes. I’m not sure exactly what it will look like, but I’m hoping I’ll stop my addiction to honey-roasted peanuts (See Practice What I Preach?), preferential airplane seating, and being in the first half of the cabin to be served a Coke. And that’s three that raised their ugly heads in about a minute and a half.

The “Iced Coffee Incident”

Posted on February 24, 2009 by mysteryshrink

Fear, Part One. One way of treating certain cancers is by “planting” a device which emits medicine. Think of it as a clicking machine buried deep in your being. A masterpiece out of which beams rays that change the way your cells work.

This is the way fear works. Fear changes your cells. . . Fear changes your muscles and your organs and YOUR BEHAVIOR. Which is how I ended up sucking back hideous iced coffee when I could have been enjoying a frosty Coke. This happened in the sixth grade and as far as I can tell, it’s been downhill ever since.

(Keep in mind, if mysteryshrink is just too tainted, and you need the illusion of a psychologist with an unblemished background, there’s always Dr. L on the radio. Though she’s not a psychologist. She a “moral advisor” who hasn’t and doesn’t make mistakes.)

In the middle of my sixth grade year, my family moved. That summer, I returned to old small town to meet up with my thirteen year old buddies. We went to a movie then swung by the drugstoreand settled into a booth like we had “back in the day.” Before I had a chance to figure out what was happening, my friends had all ordered ”coffee” without a flinch.

Well, I didn’t drink coffee and it had never crossed my mind that I WAS SO BEHIND MY FRIENDS. I panicked. My “loser-hood” was about to become obvious since I hadn’t considered myself cool enough to order coffee and just the thought of the hot steaming beverage scared me. (Don’t forget, there’s always Dr. L.) I had to recover quickly, so I said the first sophisticated thing that came to my head. “I’ll have iced coffee,” I said, with a slight tilt of my chin hinting that “iced” coffee was what my super-cool crowd in the big city were into.

And, in order to avoid criticism, I sipped up every bitter molecule of that awful drink that only grew more disgusting with the half cup of sugar I dumped into it.

So, that’s what fear of criticism can do. Maybe I learned something about how my EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM can take charge of my life. Maybe my honesty (read: willingness to reveal total weinniness) gives the rest of you guys some ideas.

Or at least, we can pair that bitter iced coffee afternoon with what I heard a coach say about a recent loss.

“We’ll take it and use it. The boys made some bad choices this afternoon. We’ll do better. Good choices come from Experience. Experience comes from bad choices.”

Practice What I Preach? What?

Posted on February 23, 2009 by mysteryshrink

Honestly? I find this using my THINKING GUIDANCE SYSTEM very hard to put into practice. Mark Twain said, “I can resist anything but temptation.” I know just what he meant. I don’t have a problem with my EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM taking off . . . and spinning all sorts of ridiculous catastophe fanning “This is awful, terrible, and I can’t stand it!”

Until something DOESN’T GO MY WAY.

Right now I’m sitting on a plane considering the idea that I might actually work on raising my own functioning by applying natural systems thinking to my own behavior, inside and out. This is big. Isn’t the whole idea about becoming a psychologist that I’m supposed to have it “together” in all circumstances? After all, I’ve had the training. Heck, I’ve taught the training for years.

So, why am I sitting here thinking . . .

What if the plane crashes? (This doesn’t really bother me, I just thought the possibility should be mentioned.)

What if someone has the middle seat next to me while everyone else on the plane has a spare seat next to them? (I’m anxious as hell about this one.)

What if they start serving drinks from the front of the plane and it’s FOREVER before they get to me?

What if they only have dry roasted peanuts, no honey-roasted?

What if we land late and it’s hard to get a taxi, and then there’s a lot of traffic, and what if room service shuts down before I get to the hotel, and I think I forgot my cell charger . . . ah, jeez, here comes a really tall guy . . . yep, “Oh, hi. Sure, no problem . . . let me move my stuff and shove it under the seat in front of me where it will be very inconvenient to retrieve during the flight and I won’t get anything done . . . Oh, no, I didn’t say anything . . .”

Now, what’s troubling is–you’d think there would be a big drop in stress level between plane crash and no honey roasted peanuts. That if I could be assured that “plane crash” was off the table, I’d be okay with dry-roasted on the peanuts, sharing my armrest, or even hours of circling the airport without being able to land. But no.

This is because my EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM is one powerful sick puppy. But here’s the deal I’m making with you guys. I’m am really going to apply what I know about getting my THINKING GUIDANCE SYSTEM a little more in the picture and tell the truth about how it goes.

The same night, 10 p.m. The “sleep timer” does not function on the television. You know the rest.

Tomorrow’s another day. The truth about Mexico . . . is still a ways off.

The OctaMom, the Colon Cleanse . . . Hello Reality . . .

Posted on February 20, 2009 by mysteryshrink

Eight babies. No papa, no job, no brains at all. Talk about your EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM running the show. Talk about ignoring the FACTS.

There is a morning after. There is a statement coming in the mail.

My first (but not last) run in with the administration when I was editor of my high school paper happened when I was called in (undeservedly) after an editorial searing a mandatory assembly organized and presented by a national credit organization. The theme was “learning how to manage your credit to your advantage.”

FOLKS: CREDIT is not “THING.” It’s not a thing that you can “manage” like you can house train a dog and your life will go better. CREDIT is just a way to GET MORE of your MONEY. No one’s trying to help you. . . As you’ve probably guessed. My editorial read pretty similarly to the previous statements.

Did I mention we were 17 years old? I admit, that since I was usually able to talk my way out of assemblies, and yet forced to attend this one . . . I did lean from the outset toward an unfavorable review.

Still. The assembly was my first face-to-face with organizations recommending the ignoring of facts . . . accompanied, of course, by mandatory shots of incredibly attractive, carefree couples cavorting in beach resorts, bronze men behind the wheels of giant boats, and families moving into two-story houses with lots of neighbors bringing cakes cheering them on.

Other Helpful Facts: You cannot lose MORE weight by adding Slim Shots, Hydroxycut, Hydroxycut Plus Formula 9, Hydroxycut Super With crushed moon dust. You cannot save money by borrowing more money. You are not what you drive. There’s not much difference in shampoos, soaps, and cosmetics. The AbRocket doesn’t work without the handy accompanying “food plan.”

An insurance company sending you a brochure for FREE is not a gift, nor is a mattress company sending you a twenty minute DVD sales pitch a sign of good will.

There comes a time in a man’s life when he’s really not so desperate to ignore the facts of life that he will take a pill which just might result in a four hour erection. Or result in having to go into an emergency room to explain his painful dilemma. Which brings us back to the opening statement. Talk about your EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM running the show.

OKAY. I have a serious, dark side confession on this whole credit card business. I’m talking DARK, DARK . . . Involving swimming pools and ocean views, and Mexico. Later. Probably, I’ll wait a bit. Give you a chance to forget my raving on the subject.

Downer . . . Part Two

Posted on February 19, 2009 by mysteryshrink

First we looked at that spark that gets us going (See “Just One Little Spark”) then we moved on to a closer examination of what it takes for us to LOSE that spark.

What happens to get you off your mark?

What does it take before you declare a STATE OF CATASTROPHE?

Or WHO? Who’s approval do you need . . . ALL THE TIME? Gad. Now you understand why some people solve the DOWNER problem–the problem of your emotions, your forward-seeking energy, your “zone” BEING UP FOR GRABS . . . all the time . . . by moving to Alaska and living in an abandoned school bus.

Next best alternative? I mean, until that brain transplant procedure is perfected? Work on our own brains. We can CHANGE our brains by what we think. When we change our brains, we change what “happens” in our lives. No magic. When your in you’re not anxious–

When you are in your ”zone:”

You have better judgment . . . You see more alternatives . . . You respond less defensively . . . You listen to what the other person is saying . . . You are less “black and white” . . . You do not see one person as all right and one person as all wrong . . . You open the door for better OUTCOMES. And, I’m just guessing on this, but I imagine I, uh, you would get fewer traffic tickets.

So, how do you get to that calmer place? For starters, copy the following sentence and keep it handy.

This (whatever) is UNFORTUNATE, UNPLEASANT, and INCONVENIENT, but NOT a CATASROPHE . . . unless I DECIDE to make it one.

Perma-weinnies, such as myself, will have to take on responsibility for our own “zone” a little bit at a time. Manana.

The Downer . . .

Posted on February 18, 2009 by mysteryshrink

Now, technically, if you have a decent psychologist on your weekly schedule, you are IMMUNE to the DOWNER kick. But, let’s face it, if you had those kind of bucks you’d be at the opera right now.

So, let’s work with what we have.

The human has two guidance systems: The EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM is dedicated to one purpose–to get rid of ANXIETY. The E.G.S. operates AUTOMATICALLY and does not consider the FACTS of a situation. The THINKING GUIDANCE SYSTEM does consider facts.

Examples of the E.G.S. in charge: educating (screaming at) other drivers, defending yourself claiming nothing bad that has ever happened to you is YOUR FAULT, not exercising because “if you don’t have an hour, it’s pointless”, procrastination in all its many forms, overspending, overeating, over-drinking, oversleeping, doing whatever is necessary to have the approval of certain people, who IF THEY GET ANXIOUS–YOU automatically GET ANXIOUS.

Posting Live: My husband is working on his laptop across the room (practicing bridge hands). When his screen does something he doesn’t expect (which happens often with the new wireless server I set up), he let’s out this big sigh and complains about his computer. Of course, what I hear him saying is “I wish you’d just leave things the way they are and stop messing with my computer, overdoing it, like you always do.” “Hearing” this I lose my “zone.” I do what most of us do when picking up prickly signals from other people. I TELL HIM WHAT HE SHOULD STOP DOING. I make it very clear HE’s RUINING my mood. That if HE CARED at all, he’d stifle himself. Wise psychologist he is, he JUST KEEPS ON BEING HIMSELF. Which is really annoying. From here I usually start quoting people who agree with me or lay out an argument comparing his sighing to being laid waste by Hitler. Of course, I just made that example up. Okay, I didn’t. So the DOWNER is when you react, when you put your EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM in charge and EXAGGERATE the affect someone else’s behavior has on you. When you CLAIM what the other person does AUTOMATICALLY changes your “zone.”

It’s a really tiring way to live, or so I’ve heard.

Tomorrow: The Antidote. Okay a beginning.

MysteryShrink

A Psychologist on the Loose

Monthly Archives: February 2009