Monthly Archives: November 2008

Anxiety and Where It Comes From

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Yes.     The first time I attended a writers’ conference, I didn’t enter a single meeting room.  I just slinked (word?) past open doors and caught a word or two, pretending to be “just passing through.”  I also had a crying fit every night during the first six months of graduate school.     I was sure that somehow the admittance committee which had allowed a moron, me, to slip through the cracks, would one day realize their error and send me back to my extensive fast food career.    

Are you sure you want to read suggestions from someone who’d admit to such weaknesses?  There’s still Dr. L on the radio    who’s perfect and never would have made the mistakes you and I have.

Nah. 

 

And here come the holidays, marching forward like giant challenges to our maturity. 

Come along, we’ll laugh some, we will survive.

 

Anxiety comes not from the FACTS, but from our “WHAT IF’S.”   Mostly–

    WHAT IF I COME OFF LIKE AN IDIOT? 

   

Feelings and A Confession

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  I’ve been asked to slow down a bit.  Thus–on the subject of FEELINGS. 

You know, those up and down generators and takers-away of energy—those internal operations that mess us up, slow us down, and waste our lives on a regular basis.  Now, I’m not talking about that oozy feeling you get watching a puppy play or the delight at good news.  I’m talking about what happens to your energy when your FEELINGS are hurt, muted, when you’re bored, unmotivated, and anxious.

Think of these feelings as nothing but NOISE.    BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!

NOISE.  Reactions designed to keep us from getting eaten from tigers.  Reactions which have gone out of control and KEEP OUR LIVES LESS than they could be. 

When these feelings are in charge we are OVER-FOCUSED on what OTHER PEOPLE are doing and saying or what we think they are doing, saying, and THINKING.

Noise: “I can’t write a short story or novel because real writers will think I’m ridiculous.  I can’t wear a bathing suit in public until others think I look okay, which will be never, so swimming is out.  I’d like to go back to school, but what if I don’t do well?    What if I start writing a novel and never finish?  What if join a dance club to learn salsa and no one asks me to dance?  What if I join a gym and I’m the only one dressed stupidly and who doesn’t know how to use the machines?  I’d like to learn the guitar, but what if I never do anything but sing to myself?”

So, let’s assume ALL THE OTHER PEOPLE IN THE WHOLE WORLD are not doing, saying, or even thinking about you.  What do you do now?  All those doors just come flipping open.   

Confession: The first time I went to a writers’ conference, I didn’t attend a single session.  I was sure I was the only one there without the talent and skills to write a bestseller.  The best I could do was walk down the hall past where the meeting was being held.  Last year I sold a book .

Letting Others Be Themselves

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   Which, of course, they are going to be anyway.  But since we’ve given our precious permission, what that means is that we CANNOT be all surprised when they are themselves.

Remember we expected that.  Gave permission.  Later in evolvement we’ll even recognize that others have THE RIGHT to be themselves.  But, not yet.  For now we’re just being generous.

Which means:

The person who cuts in front of you at the grocery store with 80 items, you said she could do that.

The person who’s late to Thanksgiving dinner–you said that would be fine.

You gave the person who doesn’t return your e-mail for four days–you gave permission.

The person who has too much wine at dinner–you gave them permission.

The one who cannot stop talking about the one who had too much wine–you gave her permission.

The one who spends Thanksgiving talking about how diets–you gave her permission.

The one who undercooks an item and the one who burns one–you gave them permission.

The people who’ve had their Christmas lights up since mid-October–you gave them permission.

All those people jamming up the roadways–you gave them permission.

The guy who will whack me in the head as he puts his bag in the overhead on the plane–I hereby GIVE HIM PERMISSION.

Are you getting a feel for HOW ABSOLUTELY FREEING IT IS to turn your focus away from CHANGING OTHERS to MANAGING YOURSELF? 

Give Yourself a Great Big Break

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Hey, grab a snack.  This exercise is going to be a lot of fun.

As you ready for Thanksgiving and family, comfortable in the knowledge that in spite of what you want from them, they are going to be themselves–

Think of the person you have the most difficulty with (No, you don’t get to defend and say it’s HIS/HER fault)–and

Give him or her YOUR PERSONAL PRECIOUS PERMISSION   to be just who they are. 

Whew.  That’s a relief.  You have your power back.  You’re in charge of what goes on inside your chest cavity no matter what others do.

I have more time and energy now.    And I’m not dreading because I’ve given my permission for my people to stay just the way they are.

Jacking Up and Calming Down with Family

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The Movie Revolt Incident:  It was Friday afternoon after Thanksgiving.  After lunch, a group of six laws and in-laws in my husband’s family decided to go to a popular horror movie.    On the way, one sister-in-law announced she’d drop off the rest of us and come back to pick us up, as she did not want to see this particular movie.  That’s when things began falling apart.  I opted to skip the movie as well.  A third expressed doubts and the pro-movie people started suggesting other movies.

Yikes.  We stopped to buy a paper and look for another movie, though we three rebels were okay without one.  The start time for the horror movie past, one brother-in-law threw up his hands and criticized his wife for not listening to him when he said they should bring the paper with them from home.  I started apologizing for some random thing (and thinking how these family “togetherness” holidays were overrated).  The original “rebel” launched in on a story from childhood when she didn’t sleep for days after a horror movie.      Her husband added that she was “always like this with his family, but anything goes when they are with her family.”

All because one person attempted a INDIVIDUALITY move.

Thinking in terms of natural systems, each of us operates with a TOGETHERNESS force and a INDIVIDUALITY force. 

What?      Think of it like this when you are anxious and find relief calling a friend, your togetherness force was in affect.  If you feel calmer at Thanksgiving when you escape to the back den and the football game, your individuality force is in action. 

Forget the complexity.  In the next several days we will look at ways to manage anxiety when our force for individuality is overwhelmed by the presence of others, each of whom INSISTS ON BEING THEMSELVES instead of only being in ways to MAKE US COMFORTABLE.

Whew.  I’m tired just thinking about it. 

Last Family Member Standing

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  Thanksgiving.  Wasn’t it about inviting the natives of this country to a feast?  Well, it’s not anymore.  Now it’s about food, family, and football.  And, at least for me, it’s not that easy.

Maybe you’re different, but I find it easier to tell my goals to a stranger on a plane than it is to talk to a family member?  Why?  Because I care too much what a family member says.  What he or she thinks.

Thus I OVER-LISTEN and OVER-REACT. 

I have a picture in my head as to how my SISTER, MOTHER, BROTHER, BROTHER-IN-LAW, should respond to me.  When they do not . . . and they’re always failing me . . . I lose charge of my emotional steadiness.  In fact, as we all know, any problems I have in my life today are because of their failures.  Ask any psychologist. 

THE TRIPLICATE MYTH:  If I my parents and siblings had properly loved me, I would be an all-happy person now–effortlessly. 

If my spouse properly loved me, i would be an all-happy person, now–effortlessly.

If, you, my therapist could properly loved me, I will be an all-happy person–effortlessly.

Oh no.  I just blew my own cover.  This being IN CHARGE of self is going to be really hard if I can’t convince my family, friends, and casual acquaintances to give me the attention and support I MUST HAVE.

Particularly, since unlike me.  They are nuts. 

Making Decisions on Your Emotions.

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  The purpose of this blog is to present some ideas on how in the heck any of us can work toward basing our decisions more on our BEST THINKING and less on OUR EMOTIONS.  Not that emotions aren’t lovely, sometimes they are.  But if we base important decisions in our lives on rushes of emotion, our lives will not go well.

Maintaining good relationships means not allowing our emotions to run the show.  Our emotions are demanding and simplistic. 

Maintaining a healthy body also means not allowing our emotions to run the show.  In some cases, even staying alive means operating out of BEST THINKING rather than raging emotions. 

The Mexico City bed incident.  It’s about two a.m. when I reach across the huge hotel bed for a drink of water on the nightstand.  I knock over the combo bottle of all the pills I’ve brought for the two week trip.  Tiny pills spray around the room, many going under the bed.   ”Phooey.”

Well, it’s too late to worry about these pills now.    Anyway, the lighting will be better in the morning.  Also, I had two glasses of wine with my late pizza and am really drowsy.  THESE ARE THOUGHTS.

But . . . I’m worried that I won’t find all the pills.  What if I don’t find my blood pressure medicine??  I’ll just get up now and search for the pills.  (Note, I am alone.  It’s easier to do stupid things when alone.)  I get up.  The bed is a platform that actually attaches to the wall so that the little pills went under where I can’t reach easily.  I should just wait until the morning when the light is better.  No, I can just pull the mattress out a little . . . oops, the mattress is locked into a box, too.  Oh well, if I can get on my hands and knees and force the mattress up on my back . . . Got it.    Oops.  Mattress slides sideways.  That’s okay, I’m holding off the springs with my knee.  Oops, now my ankle. Yikes!  Face on the carpet.  My nose takes a whack on the nightstand.  The entire boarded mattress crashes on my ankle.  Nose is bleeding.  I can’t move.  I’m trapped.  Well, I’m sure as hell not calling the front desk for help. 

We engage in the same process when we let our anxieties rule our behavior in a relationship.  We can’t wait.