Okay, so . . . A Great Relationship in One Month

Posted on May 21, 2008 by mysteryshrink

I’ve been working on a workbook on practical things a person can do to improve her relationship. Practical strategies that don’t require years of therapy or trial by error which makes for a way to painful life.

Divorces are painful. So are arguments and nights wasted when you could be enjoying a loving, fun, GREAT RELATIONSHIP.

I was going to go for a workbook to be used over a weekend. Then a week. Now, I’m thinking a month. These are changes you can make that WILL change your significant other’s behavior toward you, but remember. His behavior–whether or not he changes–is not your problem.

And since the other person’s behavior is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. His change will be just a bonus. How YOU CHANGE YOU and how much better you’re going to FEEL ABOUT YOU, is what we’re going for.

WEEK ONE: Managing my anxiety. Learning to tolerate anxiety. Learning to breathe deeply and practice restraint.

Mantras (Not the woo-woo kind.):

“I do not have to say everything that crosses my mind.”

“Cool air in, warm air out.”

A Better Relationship in One Week: Day One

Posted on May 19, 2008 by mysteryshrink

“Tell me, Doc. How can I keep doing what I’m already doing, but get a DIFFERENT RESULT?”

In relationship counseling, each person comes in essentially asking, “How can I keep doing what I’m already doing–but get a different response from by chosen other?”

After thirty years of “practicing” psychology, I don’t know specifically what actions will work to improve a particular relationship. I do know which behaviors more or less guarantee failure.

Think of it as if you are standing in a clearing in a forest. Narrow trails sprout from the edges of the clearning into the trees. I don’t know which of the trails will end up where you want to be, but I do know which trails will lead you to a dead end or worse.

The first of these is the trail that reads: I can improve this relationship and my pleasure in this relationship by CONVINCING THE OTHER TO CHANGE.

Who’s in charge? Don’t you want to be in charge?

I’ve had thirty years of marriage, too. And, like any good spouse, I have applied this YOU CHANGE approach daily, even giving hour by hour suggestions. And, yet, the man goes on being himself. What’s up with that?

Where do I turn. Then, there’s the mirror. Eek! Me? I have to change me?

But that’s hard.

Challenge One: Take charge of what goes on inside your chest cavity. Your feelings. That bundle of energy or hope or whatever it is that determines the expression on our faces, the energy and optimism or lack of joy with which we approach each and every situation.

BUT WHAT IS BEST THINKING?

Posted on May 12, 2008 by mysteryshrink

How do I know when I’m using my BEST THINKING and when I’m making my decision as the result of EMOTIONAL PRESSURE from others or from within myself?

And what does BEST THINKING have to do with a near fatal stop sign incident?

Now, I’m being dreadfully honest here about my emotional immaturity, so do consider this stop sign thing happened a while back.

The incident and the realization that I’d better grow up in my marriage. Up until a few years ago, I showed horses–jumpers. I rode five days a week about three hours a day. Also, I worked full-time at a hospital, had a private practice, wrote a book, read all the time–and did I mention my parents live here? So, there’s more time from my wifely duties, obligations I filled pitifully, at best, if you go my typical standards.

And, poor soul, I had (still do) a husband. When the time spent riding issue arose, he didn’t think my defense that at least I spent no time cooking or keeping house was particularly impressive. Thus, anytime I was asked the question, “So when do you think you’ll be back from the stable tonight? my brain went whooshy. I’d stumble around for a time, check out his voice tone, and study the clock. My anxiety rose. And rose.

ALERT: If your first response to solving my anxiety (and huge guilt) problem was for me to sit down, tell my husband how anxious I was, and ASK HIM to change HOW he asked me when I’d be home. Or emotionally brow beat him until he promised to never again show frustration with my late hours . . . if he really loves me he’d want to help me wouldn’t he?

If these were your first thoughts–the stop sign incident is for you.

On this particular evening I was about forty-five minutes later leaving the barn than I had promised. And way anxious–about what he was going to say, about what a crappy wife I was. I approached a four-way stop intersection that I crossed every day. This time, rehearsing my excuses and my stomach in a knot, (no cell phones yet) I blew through the stop sign and missed T-boning a car by inches. The guy behind the wheel screamed at me. I shot him the bird. It was lovely. I was lovely. So together and mature.

ALERT: If you’re thinking the mean man behind the wheel of the other car shouldn’t have screamed at poor little me–well, I’m not sure I can help.

As I sat there assessing my situation, it occurred to me that I was not behaving or feeling differently than I had coming home late walking home from the third grade.

With all the responsibilities that come with adulthood (not to mention a decade of training) it seemed like I could do better if I thought the situation through.

MY BEST THINKING: Time leaving the barn varied by how many people were there for show coaching, how many horses were backed up on the wash rack, and whether or not my horses were having a good day or a day requiring much remedial riding. In order to continue in this demanding hobby, I’d have to admit the variability of time required and face the consequences.

Immediately on arriving home, I sat down with the good guy and said that I had decided to stop making promises about when I’d be home from the stable. I acknowledged that I wouldn’t want to be married to someone involved in showing horses, but I loved what I was doing. Instead of being up front, I’d been making promises about when I’d be home when my best thinking was I didn’t have enough control over training to forecast how long coaching would take. He would have to trust my judgement and accept that I loved him very much and looked forward to being home with him as much as he looked forward to being with me.

Of course, I could and would make exceptions for those evenings when something special was planned or if he had a request.

After a bit of protest, all of which I recognized as valid, he said: “Well, I don’t like it. But I love you. I guess some people come with pianos– you come with horses.”

Doing What Works

Posted on May 12, 2008 by mysteryshrink

There was a time when I was ready to jump the psychology ship. I’d decided that psychology was about fads and making up stories to fit theories. Then I studied a way of accounting for human behavior which wasn’t consumed with the battle to prove “what is really going” on in a person’s head.

At that point I became a STRATEGEST. “Let’s look at what’s going on . . . and your part in it . . . and consider ways YOU CAN MAKE your life better.”

Instead of spinning in circles trying to come up with answers to the question “WHY?” efforts are focused on making changes that work. Hard, yes. Slow, yes.

People are not that complex–as much as we like to think we are– and we know what works and doesn’t work.

We know which behaviors attract humans.

We know which behaviors repel humans.

So why is change so hard?

Anxiety and habit.

Upcoming. What works: Learning to say what you are thinking. Having your actions based on your BEST THINKING and NOT ON EMOTIONAL PRESSURE from others or from within yourself–your own fears and anxieties.

I was nearly broad-sided (and rude) at the stop sign because I was hurrying home. Because, out of my anxiety, I hadn’t been clear (and kind) with my husband about when I’d be home from the stable. Details later.

Why Are No Comments Allowed?

Posted on May 9, 2008 by mysteryshrink

I know, I know. People like comments and people have questions. Unfortunately, due to ethical considerations and the large volume of readers, there is no way for me to read and respond to comments.

It’s like the woman in the cartoon standing behind the car with the trunk open– suitcases, piles of clothes, and all sorts of recreational equipment piled on the ground. She’s saying, “Okay. I can either pack for this trip or go on this trip. I cannot do both.”

Is It Just Me?

Posted on May 4, 2008 by mysteryshrink

The time has come to rate commercials for the public good. No, I’m not worked up that second graders talk casually about ED: “What? A four hour WHAT? I’m going to stay a kid!”

I think consumers deserve a warning. What I’m talking about is the current trend of showing giant, ugly, squirmy bacteria on all sorts of surfaces. Sheesh. I can’t hit the clicker fast enough. Tell me these are giving kids nightmares.

At least we’re past flu season so we can stop hearing about (and seeing–life size) “mucous.” Did you even talk about mucous before last winter’s barrage?

I want a heads-up. “Warning: the following commercial contains disgusting images that may offend normal people. . . . particularly, those eating.”

Of course, I do notice that the ads on my favorite shows go for a certain under-employed, under-educated, and under-socialized demographic. So, maybe it’s not for me to say.

Come On In, The Water’s Fine

Posted on May 1, 2008 by mysteryshrink

“If you don’t take your life seriously, it’s not worth living.”

“If you ONLY take your life seriously, it’s not worth living.” So, how’s that CONVERSATION with YOURSELF going today?

How critical are you . . . OF YOU? Like you needed any help. (Don’t forget Dr. P. in case you don’t dislike yourself enough.)

I keep being reminded in my practice– how the OPINION . . . your YOUR SPECIAL PERSON . . . has of you either EMPOWERS you or DIMINISHES your enthusiasm. Stop. That’s a lie. A big fat lie. You know, from our journey so far, that YOU, and only you, are responsible for your opinion of yourself. You are responsible for moving forward empowered or slinking back.

STILL . . . it sure is nice to be loved by someone who thinks you could can do anything you set your mind to. Life is harder if your closest person sees you as incapable, kicked around by your emotions, undisciplined, unmotivated, not so bright, a dreamer without courage . . . oh, that’s enough. Just thinking about that kind situation is a downer.

But, yea! NOT A PROBLEM! That person closest to you is YOU.

You are the one empowering you or doubting you. ONLY YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE for your opinion of you.

Yea!

To be honest, other people don’t really have the time to take care of our opinions. It drives them crazy when we put them in that position.

**Stay tuned for “The Near Fatal, Life-Giving Stop-Sign Incident.”

MysteryShrink

A Psychologist on the Loose

Monthly Archives: May 2008