Setting:  The yard stretching between a Southern mansion and a river is scattered with leftover wedding guests.  The glowing bride steps over to the serving table and picks up the saucer with what was left from her slice of wedding cake used in the cross-over, feed-each-other ritual.  She smiles, gazes into the distance as if she sees a beautiful future.  She nestles the cake in her hand and takes a nip. 

     The groom rushes up, takes the saucer out of her hand, and stares hard at her.     “Not with your fingers!  There are people here!”

     The bride’s expression darkens, as if she is seeing   an . . .  entirely . . . different future.     

     I may have used this bride before, as I often recall and share her changing expression when I present to groups and teach.  I’m bringing it up here to say, her changed view of WHAT IS POSSIBLE is not his fault.  It’s not her “fault” either.  She is, however, the one in charge of that future.

     Does she smile at him, remove his hand sweetly, and say, “I love you so much, but your probably stuck with me eating with my fingers.  I’m actually better off than my sisters.  They can’t even identify the three main utensils.”  She smiles.  But she doesn’t adapt to keep him calmed down when she doesn’t agree with him.  She squeezes his hand, does a cute thing with her eyebrows.  

     She makes a boundary and takes responsibility for doing the best job she can to be clear without being defensive. 

   Later:  Shrink attempts Self Definition on airplane.