Hey, in case you do not have a well-developed INNER TORTURER, or a spouse, relative, or friend willing to teach you to DOUBT YOURSELF, there’s always Dr. L. Perfect on the radio.
You can call in and she’ll give you the words to beat yourself up with. Regularly.
“The most important, most life-determining, conversation you have, is the conversation you have with yourself.”
What have you told yourself about you so far today? Okay, now that we KNOW: People who SEE THEMSELVES as BETTER LIKED than they actually are . . . 
As more SUCCESSFUL than they are . . .
As more ATTRACTIVE than they are . . .
As more INTELLIGENT than they are . . .
Those people have MORE FUN in life.
Hey, I’m for more fun. 
But I’m tired and envious just from making the above list. Reading it doesn’t MAKE ME feel refreshed and ready to hit Broadway. What I’m thinking is, “Sheesh, what’s wrong with me that I’m not kicking up my heels every hour of everyday?”
Oh, noooooo. Now I remember. It’s hard to change.
If getting a grip on the on your EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM were easy, EVERYONE WOULD DO IT.
Since it isn’t easy, we usually attempt an EXTERNAL solution– that is, we try to change other people’s response to us– by doing the list of things, and buying the endless image changers, offered every single month in every single magazine–
To an INTERNAL problem– the habitual conversation with have with ourselves. Since we’re strategists, we: 1) expect situations to repeat; 2) study what we did in the past; 3) rehearse new material; and, 4) practice, practice, practice.
First, there is an ACTION. Example: Someone says to you, “It’s all your fault. As usual, you are not listening.” 
Second, you PERCEIVE. You hear and absorb, “It’s all your fault. As usual, you are not listening.” I know, perceiving seems so obvious, but it’s not. How much of what you see and hear depends on the spounginess of your Emotional Guidance System, how “ready” to hear and see you are.
Third, you INTERPRET. You decide what– “It’s all your fault. As usual, you are not listening,” –MEANS.
Forth, you MAKE UP A STORY. 
You take your INTERPRETATION of what you think– “It’s all your fault. As usual, you are not listening” –means, and develop a DRAMA. “Your saying that shows you do not love me, respect me, want to please me.”
Then, you RESPOND. (And, of course, if you’re me, the first words out are: “Now look how YOU MADE ME feel.”) 
So, what can you do? 
How can you take charge?
What does perception, interpretation, and making up stories have to do with the “conversation you have with yourself”?
Later . . . manana.
Remember the social psychology experiment showing that people who rate themselves higher in social desirability than other people rate them actually have the best time?
Being a Self Defined Person means basing actions on Best Thinking rather than Emotional Pressure from Other People and EMOTIONAL PRESSURE from WITHIN THE SELF.
One nasty little personification of our Emotional Guidance System is our INNER TORTURER. You know her. She’s the voice of our anxieties and fears.
Famous lines booming in our heads that can STOP US IN OUR TRACKS.
About goals: “What makes you think you can do that? 
Who do you think you are?”
About love: “Why would anyone pick you? . . . Why would anyone stay with you?”
Examples upcoming. Goals: Horses, Jumps, and Foolish Practices
Love: Spending all night in a phone booth– dialing his number and smoking cigarrettes.
An event happens, say someone in our household disagrees with us. I mean, it could happen. And we RESPOND. How much of our response is OUR DECISION?
How much of our response is the mindless, (ouch, I know, that’s a rough word), automatic defensiveness of our EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM?
You remember our EGS. That part of our brains which CANNOT TOLERATE ANXIETY. That part of our brains that seeks ONE THING–relief from anxiety. That part of our brains able to ignore the fact that what we are doing IS NOT WORKING.
That part of our brain that DOESN’T LEARN from experience. 
But, just bulls on through. That part of our brain . . .
that believes we have NO CONTROL. 
And we do.
And what does all this have to do with the sect in El Dorado? The living dead women?
Later . . . tonight.
mysteryshrink @ April 22, 2008
The Horse In the Cattle Guard Incident
Summers during college I taught riding at a day camp. One morning I arrived driving a Volkswagen busload of kids to see Blackjack, a horse I’d bought at auction the day before, stood screaming, one of his legs jammed down in the cattle guard.
Note: Examples may be used more than once. I cannot keep up with what I’ve used in a current clinical session or reported here. 
Uncle. Defeat. Can’t do it.
Okay. Back to Blackjack, the big, old, raw-boned, hundred dollar horse that was perfect for carrying beginners for a few weeks. Unfamiliar with the cattle guard, he’d stepped through the bars and was ramming his bloody hoof upward, over and over, in an attempt to escape his problem. He was clearly in terrible pain and desperate to improve his circumstances.
So why didn’t he do what would work instead of doing the SAME THING, which clearly did not only NOT WORK, but was causing more and more DAMAGE? 
If Blackjack could have called on his THINKING GUIDANCE SYSTEM, he would have have thought . . . “Hmm . . . if I got my hoof down between these bars . . . if it fit going down . . . then, if I slow down, study my situation, and THINK . . . I can get my hoof back up through the bars.
But Blackjack didn’t have access to his THINKING GUIDANCE SYSTEM. Later that morning he was put down.
Now, we’re not ”putting anyone down” here, but how often do we do to ourselves what Blackjack did to his leg?
When we worry about events we can’t control? When we can’t stop bickering? 
When we drive too fast? When we hold a grudge? When we refuse to apologize? When we can’t stop apologizing? When we get into someone else’s business? When we complain and complain 
even though we know we’re bringing other people down and turning them off? When we say negative things about someone else? When we say negative things about ourselves? 
When we can’t say clearly what we will do and won’t do? When we can stop criticising?
We are pulling a Blackjack. We are being a Blackjack.
More tomorrow on being more in charge of your reactions.
“If you take very, very good care of yourself, you can look forward to getting sick and dying.”
SO PAY ATTENTION !
Anxiety. Anxiety is partly a choice.
There are two kinds of anxiety: ACUTE, as when a car is bearing down on you. 
And, CHRONIC, the anxiousness we experience in a more or less on-going way about WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN.
The “What ifs.”
What if I’m late? What I get lost? What if he doesn’t like me? What if I spill something? 
What if everyone else there is smarter, cuter, richer, and thinner than I am? What if I fail? What if they laugh in my face? What if I’ve gained weight? What if I don’t succeed?
These questions, while pesky, aren’t as big a problem as the LIFE or DEATH stranglehold we put on the issues . . .
I mean, what ACTUALLY does happen if when we’re late, say something stupid, trip, lose, or dress so poorly we’re offered money by strangers? Does somebody die? (I mean really die,not just act like someone’s going to die.) Does the earth split in-two, each half landing messy side down on the bottom of the Universe?
Nope.
Bad News: no one’s paying attention. (They were in seventh grade, but that’s over.)
Good News: no one’s paying attention.
As for specific strategies, I can’t offer much help, except for the “What if I spill something?” dilemma.
To eliminate this worry, may I suggest that when you sit down nervous at a fancy table, right off, scoop up something gooey, and just dribble it generously down your front. Then call attention to your mess by turning over your water glass as you grab your napkin to clumsily try to deal with the hopeless mess on your shirt. Get it over early. Take the worry out of the situation.
The stories we tell ourselves– about ourselves, other people, and events– have more influence on our lives and futures than actual people and events. Remember from yesterday: PEOPLE WHO THINK 
THEY’RE DOING BETTER THAN THEY ARE, HAVE THE BEST TIME IN LIFE.
Thin ice . . . might as well party. 
A Self Designed Life is only possible when the power of mind is recognized and appreciated. If life events “just happen to you,” there’s little you can do to improve your experience.
When you change your mind, you change your perceptions. When you change your perceptions, you change what is possible for you. When you change your perception of what is possible, you change your choices.
When you change your choices you change your life.
Proof? Easy.
A simple research project: 12 people are invited into a “party” which they are told is for the purpose of testing a product. After an hour, participants are given sheets of paper with twelve lines for ranking each party-goer, including themselves, with regard to SOCIAL DESIRABILITY. 
Each was also given a form ranking how much he enjoyed the experience and whether or not he would agree to return.
Most interesting finding: People who ranked themselves HIGHER than others ranked them, had the MOST fun.
People who ranked themselves equal or LOWER 
than they were seen by others, had the LEAST fun.
In other words, those people who BELIEVE they are BETTER LIKED than they are have THE BEST TIME.
So, all this worrying and primping is a crock. The key is to “FAKE IT, TIL YOU MAKE IT.” 
***Welcome! To the gang from South Korea!
